This is from Megan Devine’s page…her website and books are very helpful…but this passage just about sums things up for me…until you’ve joined this club you really can’t understand…nobody can…tomorrow will be mine and Sandie’s 48th wedding anniversary…so today I am feeling pretty well on the floor…love to all
If you’re here, in the early days of #grief (define “early” for yourself), and the universe has just split open and everything has changed, I’m sorry you’re here.
I remember those early days. When the life you expected to unfold disappears: vaporized. When people talk at you and for you and around you, and not only do you no longer understand what they’re saying, you no longer care.
Your life was normal, and then, suddenly, it was not.
It’s like being in a crowded movie theater. Everyone starts out watching the same picture, exactly the one they bought tickets for, exactly the same one as advertised.
At some point, the screen rips in two, it shatters, and a whole new film begins. This one is surreal and strange, a horror show where there wasn’t one before. The characters have changed, the stage set is wrong.
But the worst thing – the worst thing – is not that the movie has changed, but that no one else has noticed that it’s changed. They are all still watching as though nothing has happened.
If you make a sound, if you say “Wait. WAIT – this is all wrong now!” They pat your arm and whisper, "Shh. It’s totally fine. It’s just a movie. It’ll work out fine. What a great story, and pass the popcorn please."
If out-of-order death has shown up in your life, here is what you should know: Early grief is largely this – crashing again and again into a reality that can’t be real.
It’s an impossibility without release. There is no neat-and-tidy road map. There are no answers.
This is not the time for future plans. This is not the time for discussions about whether you will “be better later.” Later is irrelevant. Now is all there is.
I’m sorry you’re here. Others have come before you, but that doesn’t really matter now. What matters is that the sky is wrong, and life is wrong, and you need someone to see it, to acknowledge it.
You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life.
This sucks. It’s all wrong. There’s nothing to do but to hold that horror, send love down into that abyss. This is all so horribly wrong. And I’m so sorry you’re here.
@UnityMan, thank you for sharing this page … it just about sums up things exactly for me, too.
You lost your wife 12 days after I lost Richard and a lot of the time, the pain is just as bad as when he died in my arms.
Sending love and hugs for tomorrow x. (I am dreading our anniversary in October).
I know, all anniversaries are going to be awful, but the first ones much worse. I managed to get through Richard’s 80th in May but it was very difficult.
Thank you for sharing, this sums up where I am now too. I lost my husband and soulmate of 40 years two weeks ago, he would have been 57 on 12th August and I’m dreading it. He had lymphoma for 7 years but it transformed to CNS and we lost him pretty suddenly. Too hard to process - I’m definitely in the wrong film and it’s heartbreaking. Sending love to you for tomorrow and to everyone going through this nightmare x
So sorry for your loss. It’s devastating to be in this club. My Sandie had CNS Lymphoma and her prognosis wasn’t good…but after her first week of chemo she got an infection and it was pneumonia that took her…but lymphoma is the culprit…so hard to accept. Sending love your way
Lymphoma is such a cruel way to go and my Keef too got infection, first covid (in hospital) and then some sort of brain infection (can’t remember the name, not very scientific). Like you I also know that August is going to be difficult. At the end of the month it would have been our 44th wedding anniversary. I will probably just curl up into a little ball but I do have a problem with the date as my niece also got married on the same date in August, 30th, a few years ago so I shall try to be positive for her but she’s so caring and is probably more likely to worry about me!
@Rome18@UnityMan all the first anniversary are hard. I find the build up to the day is worse than the day itself. In September I have got a double whammy bammy. 3rd would of been our 26th wedding anniversary and the 4th my husband birthday. Would of been 54 years old. Taken too young. Xx
My husbands birthday was 2 days after he died. Our 50th wedding anniversary was 4 weeks after he died. I have already been through 2 firsts. They are hell.
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly on the 18th December so no Christmas celebration this year. Last year we were in shock. I had wrapped up my husband presents and I found my husband presents to me in the back room unwrapped. Also found a Christmas card which was not written in. On the front of the card it said to my beautiful wife at Christmas. I have frame the card. I could have another 30 years without my husband. Hopefully one day I can celebrate it but not for a long time. Love to you all on this horrendous journey Xx
So sorry for your loss. I have survived my husband’s birthday and two Christmases but the one I am dreading is 1 September which would have been our golden wedding anniversary. I will celebrate on my own and I know that he will be close by. Sending my love to you all.
Xx