Hi, this is my first message. I just joined today. Its my mum’s anniversary, 14 years today. I was scrolling through my emails and one said ‘we’re here to help you’ and it was from Sue Ryder. I felt in need of help so I joined, and here I am, sitting in my flat under a blanket on this cold cloudy day listening to smooth chill on the radio and feeling tired, sad and alone. I work part time so off today, making it an extra long weekend, and I have very few plans. No one remembers its my mums anniversary and I dont have the energy to phone anyone to remind them. Days like these feel very bleak. I recently moved out the home i own with my husband because it felt like our marriage was broken. He shut himself away from me and had become very critical of me. Every year I wrote in my mums, dad’s and sisters anniversary and birthdays in the calendar and every year he ignored them. We couldnt have children and that made it harder. Because hes working from home hes got my wee dog who i love and i get her at weekends. I miss her and shes very stressed with the situation which im feeling guilty and stressed about. Im going to collect her later and I know my husband wont know or care that its my mums anniversary. Just feel so sad and lost.

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Hello @Snow ,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling sad and lonely. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and also your marriage separation. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Thank you Alex for your message and links which i will definately have a look at. I was a bit tearful when i collected my wee dog yesterday. My husband asked if I was ok. When i said its my mums anniversary he didnt say anything. Felt terrible. Decided to take my dog for walk ( she was delighted to see me) and felt much better after it. Went to my friends today to watch some of the coronation. She made me lunch. Felt better.

I’m sorry you feel lost and alone. We are all here to help each other on this horrible journey. Glad you felt better after seeing your friend.

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Thank you for taking the time to send me your message. I really appreciate it. I met two friends for lunch yesterday and ended up crying then was worried i’d put a dampner on their day. I think its so much worse because ive lost my dad and sister too and dont have any family round me for support. I have some cousins but dont see or hear from them and it hurts that im the only person grieving them. I know the break up with my husband is triggering all those feelings of loneliness and loss. I just feel so tired and low. I do have friends thankfully but it seems they’re all busy with their families and it hurts that I dont have a family

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Your friends will totally understand why you were upset. So don’t worry about them. I’m so sorry you feel alone.
My mum died six weeks ago and I feel the same. People around me seem to think I should be back in work and gettin on with things. But I can’t.

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Thank you for saying that. We put these conditions and judgements on ourselves which are so unhelpful!
Six weeks is a blink of an eye, and sometimes, so is six years, or sixteen years. People who say these things have literally no idea what theyre talking about. I went back to work far too soon after my sister died ( ten days) and went back to getting on with things, thinking it was the right thing to do, and encouraged by other people who thought it would be good for me. Terrible idea. It was my first teaching job, and was in a difficult school. It was a really, really hard year and shored up a lot of undealt with grief that has followed me ever since. Take your time. Grief cant be hurried.

Funny you should say that. I’m a teacher too. I can’t face a class of teenagers at the minute.

Grief is a horrible thing. It’s so hard isn’t it. This forum is helpful so I do recommend talking to other people

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Yes I sometimes think people understand how tough teaching can be. I remember really clearly going back in after my sister died and was in a total daze. Shed died very suddenly and was in her twenties. One of the classroom assistants came in not long after the children came in to find me standing at the desk trying to take the register, weeping and the children all staring at me. She led me out into the staffroom where I lay down on the chairs and cried. No one knew what to do or say. So…dont go back till you feel ready.

#Don’t understand, that should say

Yes exactly. People don’t. It’s a hard enough job as it is. I was planning on going back after half term. And I think that’s reasonable. But people close to me think I should be back in now.
I’ve got two young children. I feel like I haven’t had time to grieve properly. So I have a couple of days a week to myself to think and process it all whilst they are in school and childcare. (I’m Part time).

I find the grief lonely too. No matter who is around you. End of the day , no one knows or understands how you feel.

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Is your boss being understanding? That makes a difference ive found.
Youre right about grief being lonely. You can sometimes feel lonelier with people who dont understand. I felt like that with my husband latterly, thats partly why I left. He had no clue that I could still be grieving and hurting years after my mum died. He said angrily “it wasnt just after your mum died, it was 8 months later” referring to his mums birthday dinner which she’d told him id ruined by looking miserable and not making enough effort, apparently.

Yes my boss is very good which is helpful.
Oh my word. That’s awful. I’m so sorry. How unsupportive. That must have made things harder for you

Thank you. Its nice to hear that, as its hard to know whats true any more when youre in a relationship like that. I was reeling from that remark from his mum, but then youre told by your husband shes right, and I was in the wrong again.
I often felt like that, as if my dead family were of no relevance and I was being self indulgent if I cried about it or got depressed. Every year I wrote their birthdays and anniversaries in the kitchen calender and every time he ignored it and never mentioned it.

So sorry you had that to deal with too. Insensitive really. Birthdays and anniversaries are important and should be remembered and acknowledge at least.
Hope you’re happier somewhat now you’ve moved out. :heart:

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Thank you. Its a funny thing. I moved out nearly 6 months ago and at first i felt relief. Was so busy getting the flat organised, working and looking after my wee dog i didnt have time to think too much about it. I was also doing a course whuch kept me busy. The course finished end of March then 2 weeks Easter holidays and i kind of hit a brick wall. Felt overwhelming anxiety and grief and really lost and alone. Had just started arrangement few weeks earlier where my wee dog went to husbands during week ( he works from home) and me Friday to Sunday so i didnt even have her for company. It was awful. I could barely make the simplest decision, and felt my life was totally pointless. Couldnt bring myself to even phone any friends and when i did, most of them were away on holiday or busy. Miss my own family so much it sometimes feels unbearable. Im trying to adjust to this new normal but i dont know where its going. My husband doesnt talk to me about it and i dont know what hes thinking or feeling. Im at work today and cant face the staffroom or even work. Could hardly get up this morning. Im starting to hate the situation im in. Although im very glad to be away from that tension and difficulty of living with him, it was my home. Most of my stuff is still there and im financially tied up with the house. He doesnt discuss that either. So it feels like im in limbo a bit. And i still have to see him a few times a week to hand over and collect the dog. Started to not feel welcome goingvto the house as he would glare at me or just go into his tv room and ignore me.

Oh how awful for you. It’s your house too thought don’t forget.
How are you finding bring back at work ?

Teaching is a strange place as im sure you know, especially after covid and lockdown which i feel we’re still in recovery from. My colleagues are very nice and i can talk openly to a lot if them. Management can be tricky and it sometimes feels quite unsupportive in terms of your work. Im a support teacher and am getting used for cover a lot which annoys me. A lot of decisions made without consulting you, which directly affect you. Feels quite demolarising sometimes. But the staff are mostly lovely and i get on well with them so thats something. Its such a big school that you can sometimes get lost in it, is all. They were so nice to me when i moved out

Glad the school is mostly supportive. They’re not easy places to work at the best of times.

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