A bad night and another bad day. Sitting here crying again listening to Long John Baldry “It’s Too Late Now” and it’s breaking my heart.
I’m missing my Alan and want to be with him so much. I try not to listen to sad songs but this one has been constantly in my mind. This existence is like hell on earth.
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Sorry to read your post. Sometimes a song will come on the radio, not necessarily sad, but somehow reminds me of my husband and I have to quickly switch it off. There is no sense to our lives at the moment. I would give anything to have my husband just sitting with me, having a cuppa and talking rubbish. I agree this existence is hell. Somehow, together, we have to help and support each other through each day.
Take care, keep posting, we will somehow get through this.
Sheila
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I’ve not listened to the radio or played our CDs for a while now, there’s always songs that come on which bring back memories. Why are they sad memories when they used to be happy memories?
I just picture him dancing around the room enjoying music. He was always so happy and full of life. So many lovely songs with so many sad memories now.
Why is life so cruel?
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Dear Sheila
Sorry if this song made you cry too. Such beautiful words and sung with so much emotion and feeling. There were some very happy memories of the 60s, although I was not with Alan then. We were only together for 10 years, but both loved and enjoyed listening to 60s music.
It’s only been 8 weeks for me since he died, and the pain and hearache gets worse every day. I don’t know how I’ll ever manage another seven years of feeling like this. I just want the pain to stop.
Joan x
Dear sad2
I know I just do not understand how in the short space of time our lives are just shattered.
The radio station now seems to play endless Carpenter songs which my husband loved. Perhaps I did not notice them playing these songs before but now it seems constant and I have to turn the radio off.
Sheila
I can’t have the radio on because I know they’ll be songs that wil bring back memories. I cry enough without having these painful reminders going round in my head. I love Roy Orbison, but definately can’t listen to him any more espeially “In Dreams”. Another song with so many memories.
What a life we’re having to live now without our loved ones.
Joan x
Dear Joan
Yes was in the car with my son’s partner today and a song came on the radio - immediately switched it off. My car automatically puts the radio on and often I am distracted driving but then they start to play a particular song and it just throws me. Simply Red in particular and my husband did not even like them that much but the words to some of their songs trigger something in me.
I am having to face the facts that soon my son’s partner will be wanting to circulate with other mams (or mums as she says as she is not a Northerner) and I will ultimately find myself on my own. They have bought me books to start reading again so that I have something to do - at least they have thought of me - but cannot concentrate on much nowadays. I still cannot believe this is my life when 12 months ago me and husband were planning a big ‘retirement holiday’ to Australia.
Take care.
Sheila
Dear Sheila
I try not to have the car radio on anymore. The few times I have it’s guaranteed that sad songs will play and it’ll be crying time again. It doesn’t take much now to start me off. I don’t play music in the house either. I only have the TV on for some noise, I can’t stand the silence. I hate this new lonely life.
My only daughter lives near and I get to see her a couple of times a week, and we talk on the phone throughout the day. I speak to a couple of really good friends often. You think you’re feeling a bit better and can hold a sensible converation, but I always end up crying.
I’ve not got a lot of interest in doing things now, the housework can go without getting done for a couple of days, and some days I can’t even be bothered to get dressed.
How our lives change so quickly.
Joan x
Dear Joan
Yes I just have the TV on for background noise. In relation to the housework and getting dressed. I only hoover and dust when the grandson is on his way and then quickly rush to get dressed. The wash basket is hardly full as I have to confess some days I just pick up the same clothes from the bedroom floor and put them back on. I looked at my wardrobe of clothes the other day and thought I may as well get rid of most of the clothes. I won’t be wearing the party dresses ever again or most of the other things for going out socialising to the pub. I have no desire to socialise anymore - the local pub is full of my husband’s friends who have not been in touch since he died. I do not want to hear what they have to say after all this time - it will more than likely make be upset in any case and in reality I only ever wanted to go out and have a nice meal and a drink with my husband.
I have cleared out my husband’s car to sell it tomorrow and had to take out all his CD’s. Put them in a bag until I am able to look at them. Will probs just box them up and put them in the loft as I know that I won’t be listening to them anytime soon.
Sheila
Dear Sheila
I can relate to everything you say. I love our little grandson, he means the world to me and meant the world to my husband who stayed by his bedside everyday all day when he was in ICU for the first three months of his life. There is not anything I would not do for him, but I concur with your comments regarding being the childminder. My husband promised that he would look after our grandson so they could work and I will honour that promise but sometimes when they all come for dinner I would just like to also have an adult conversation but they are rooted to their phones as I multi-task cooking and playing with our grandson. They also do not share the same beliefs so Easter does not hold the same conviction as myself and my husband had. There are so few people who have stayed in touch as you say I have no consistency in any conversations.
My electricity bills are greatly reduced because as you say the wash basket is certainly much lighter than before and I really struggle to care about my appearance.
I have read many of your posts and it is clear that you loved Peter with the same intensity that I loved my husband. I will treasure our time together until I am reconciled with him. It is the pain of loosing him and trying to comprehend the loss that I find so difficult.
Take care and thank you.
Sheila x
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Sheila I know what you mean. I can’t listen to the radio in the car because of all the relationship songs on there. I am trying to keep busy and doing things I need to but I really feel like I don’t belong anymore. I miss him just being there. My family is trying to be nice and checking up on me but everyone has their own lives and are busy so I feel a bit of an odd bod. It is a horrible empty alone feeling. Not been a good evening.
Dear Jude
Sorry your evening has not been good. I have kept myself so occupied trying to sort out the car papers that go with the sale of a car that I have not eaten (again!). Rang my two usually dependable support friends to ask for some advice but both were busy, I suspect as the lockdown eases this will increasingly become the case as they both have their partners and family of their own. It is the damning realisation that this is now my life, sitting alone every evening with no one to talk to, that tips me over the edge. Me and my husband could sit and talk about everything and now there is just silence. I find the silence adds to the emptiness.
Take care
Sheila
Dear Sheila,
Just a quick note to tell you that when I sold Tony’s car, all I needed was the V5 (log book) and the Mot cert. The book that came with the car, and the service record book are helpful but not essential, although if you are selling it privately, you might be asked for those. I sold it to a garage as I didn’t want the hassle of selling privately. You get less money but it saves you the worry of anything going wrong with the car in the future and the new owner hammering on your door demanding recompense!
Night night!
Dear AnnR
Thank you. I have now sold the car and done exactly that. Sold it to a garage - my son wanted me to try and get more but I do not need unnecessary hassle and like you say do not want anyone coming back to me on anything. I have sold it in good faith, even paying just short of £800 yesterday to have a valve replaced. I sat crying in the drivers seat while they did the paperwork. Remembering my husband sitting there and us getting ready for our next adventure out and about. So difficult.
Sheila
We are so alike! It broke my heart to sell it but it had to go, It was bigger than I need and I already have my own lttle car. My daughter, bless her, arranged for a garage about 20 miles away to fetch it, so I am unlikely to see it around here. I think selling his car was one of the worst things about all this. I felt such a traitor when I thought about how thrilled he was when he first found it, He said it was probably his favourite car ever. You can imagine how remembering that made me feel when I sold it!
Hi Sheila, I think I fool myself into thinking I’m feeling a little better, but no! It comes back to hit me again, the sick feeling in my stomach, the tears, the loneliness.
I struggle to get out of my pyjamas before dinner time and don’t have much pride in.my appearance any more.
I’m trying to potter around in the house and garden to keep busy but once I’ve done and I know its almost tea time, the pain starts again at the thought of another night of no one to cook for or talk to. We always said we could talk for England, always disecting everybody and everything.
I’ve started going for a walk in the evening to try and help but still have to come back to an empty house.
I heard the first Garden Warbler in the garden today and was instantly taken back to last year when we heard it together. Tears again 
Love Jacky xxxx
Dear Sheila
I have shed quite a few tears. Went out and had to drive past the garage, the car is already on the forecourt. Later returning home to a long drive with no other car on it - tears flowed again.
It was one of my husband’s friends who made the suggestion as to where to sell it so called up to warn him (as he lives near to the same garage) that it was now sold. Found him and his wife sitting in their garden enjoying the sun as I had imagined me and husband would do with me retiring. His wife tried to tell me to move on and start looking forward - my false smile slipped a bit and I was polite but said what I have said on this forum many times, that there are not enough decades left for me to get over 42 years with my husband.
As I do not intend moving my husband’s clothes for the foreseeable future I am hoping that is the last of the big challenges, but then I remind myself I still have an inquest to get through.
My husband loved his cars before he got into motorbikes. How I wish he had never discovered them. They have stolen my husband and my life. For me it is just a waiting game now.
Take care
Sheila
Dear AnnR
I can, it is so hard having to sell items that belonged to those we have lost. Friends just keep sending me texts with a thumbs up - as if it is that easy but I know they mean well. Each day is just torture and I struggle through each one just hoping that if this is a dream it ends soon.
Take care
Dear Sheila
Yes me and husband met in 1978 at work. I was just starting out on my secretarial career and my boss warned me off ‘mixing with the wrong sort’ as he referred to the apprentices. Well I ignored him and we started dating. We never acknowledged each other at work so to keep a low profile. But then my boss said one day, we are getting an apprentice in the office, I have asked for only the best. My husband was apprentice of the year so needless to say he was placed in my office and I was called to Personnel. I decided then the culture did not suit me and I left six months later. My husband had to stay to complete his apprenticeship but he loved the place and stayed there until the factory closed in 1988.
I helped him buy his first car, Ford Escort and for years after like I have said previously he loved his cars. All these memories keep rushing through my head and they are lovely but God I just wish he was still with me.
Sheila x
Dear Sheila
My husband started off as an electrical/mechanical engineer before then becoming an estimator - he always regretted coming off the shop-floor but his mother had pressured him into taking up the office job.
I know the car you are referring you. My husband got his licence at the third attempt at 18. I started taking lessons at 23 and passed first time much to my husband’s dismay as we had only just bought our first brand new car.
We had no money when we got married so no honeymoon. Always promised ourselves a trip to Australia if we made it to 25 years and in 2007 we did just that. I also had a MX5 which we travelled to Europe in back in 2013 and travelled through the Alps, Italian Lakes and Stelvio Pass. I thought I had managed to persuade him to get rid of the motorbike but it turned out I was wrong. I had to sell the MX5 when we lost our jobs in 2016 but we talked about fly/drive to do a similar trip. This now will never happen in the same way that I can never imagine going back to Australia without him by my side.
Sheila xxx