Today was one of those days for me. Woke up and could feel the depression beginning to take hold in the back of my mind. And I knew that if I got up that it would come welling up inside of me like a tidal wave, washing over everything else that mattered for the day. Today I chose to stay in bed.
I slept a bit and still couldn’t convince myself to get out of bed. Was it fear of depression? I don’t know. All I really know is that the motivation just wasn’t there. After a long while I decided to get up. There was once a time when I’d find a day like this to be a waste of time, and perhaps it was but that just didn’t seem to matter to me.
One thing I’ve learned since my wife passed is that what was once normal to me no longer is. Another is that when those moments of sorrow hit me, they don’t go away until I experience it. And so today I got up and faced my sorrow, because I guess that’s how we get through this horrible time in our lives. By experiencing every bit of the pain that the brain chooses to serve up to us. Somehow it’s the road to healing, or so I’ve heard.
And so I’ll put another notch in the belt of life, and move on to the next day with the hope that it will be a better one. That experiencing the sorrow of loneliness for this day helps me to cope with the next one. I miss my love. She was really my soulmate. The part of life that made me feel whole. She was my motivation for everything.
There’s still a world out there, full of life and happiness. I know because I’ve lived it. And I know that one day I’ll find it again. It may not be as perfect as it was before but it’ll have to do because in the end, life really is what we want it to be. All we have to do is figure out how to get there.
I wish us all peace