Another post. I miss you mom.

I posted here a few weeks/months ago.
Didn’t really get much support, which I can understand.
I feel at the moment, I just need to rant, shout, talk, let everything out, and I can’t!
I have nobody that I can vent to.
I lost my mom 3 months ago, have arranged everything, sorted everything, gone back to work.
I also have my elderly dad that has moved in with me and my husband! I am happy he isn’t on his own, but it’s so hard!
I’m struggling, I struggle with the fact that 3 months on, people don’t ask how I am anymore, like they did at the start, when in actual fact I need it more, now than ever!
I struggle with the fact I have to carry on as if nothing has happened.
I keep replaying everything that happened when mom passed away, and I just think it’s not fair, it was so fast and I wasn’t ready. I just don’t know what I can do.

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Hi @Lucyp85 I totally relate.
I lost mum 6 months ago today very suddenly.
Its the same for me even though I’m further along on this terrible journey.
People stopped asking months ago…apart from the odd message on my phone on mum’s birthday, mother’s day etc. It seems that everyone wants me to move on and nobody wants to mention my loss…
The biggest support I have received is on this forum… everyone here is so kind and comforting.
I also still go over those last days constantly and chastise mysef for not realising that mum was so ill/taking her to hospital, doing more etc etc.
It’s all part of the process I guess.
Reach out here whenever you need to vent/rant etc.
We are all here for each other.
Kate xx

Hi Lucy,
Just wanted to pop on and say I can totally relate. I lost my Mum just over a week ago after a very short illness and I’m really struggling to cope. The final night constantly replaying in my mind. Along with her expressing how terrified she was :disappointed: its total torture that we did not see it coming at all so could never prepare.
I can only imagine this gets harder and never easier. There is no ‘recovery’ period where one day you feel fine. There’s no going back to normal as she was my normal! However I hope one day we can live co exist with this heavy grief.
Sending you strength xx

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Hey Kate.
I am so sorry for your loss of your mom too.
It is honestly so heartbreaking.
It sounds like you also are going through the motions that I am.
Would be good to maybe have a chat more? I feel I may be able to rant more to someone who isn’t known to me, but obviously I wouldn’t want to burden anyone with my own thoughts, especially if they are also going through a similar thing.
Thank you so much for the reply xx

Thank you so much for the message.
I never thought I could deal with the loss of a parent, and I don’t really know how I am coping to be honest.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I don’t really have anything to offer in terms of support other than, just take each day as it comes. You never know how you will feel one day to the next.
Please feel free to private message me if you like and we can chat :blush: xx

Sure Lucy, it’s a pleasure to chat any time you want to. It really helps because I’m finding grief such an isolating experience. The shock does wear off eventually and you get used to not having mum around, but the deep sadness remains… always there in the pit of my stomach. I just can’t believe that 6 months have passed in the blink of an eye.
It’s also an exhausting time… do you feel that too?
Keep posting.
K xx

Hi Lucy
Firstly, my condolences for your loss. Have you sought any counselling? There will be organisations out there that you can ‘vent to’ and they will make sure that you are not alone. How is your husband dealing with things?
I also found that people stop asking how I am. Sometimes people don’t know what to say, sometimes people can’t handle talking about death & bereavement which sucks for people like us who want to or need to.
There’s no easy answer but maybe have a word with your GP to see if they can refer you for bereavement counselling.
Best Wishes

Thank you for the reply.
My husband has been amazing through it all, and he is really understanding with the fact my dad has lived into our home.
I don’t like to unload on him though as I just don’t like being a burden.
I’m still expected to be the ‘strong one’ and carry on with work, home life, looking after everyone etc.
I haven’t sort any counselling at the moment, I’m kind of in the frame of mind that no amount of talking/counselling can bring mom back.
What are your thoughts on it? X

@Lucyp85 My thoughts? Ok, honestly you’re right, no amount of talking can bring your Mother back, but talking/counselling are tools to help us move forward through our grief (I think). I’ve found that just talking about my partner with friends and remembering things about our time together has helped. The memories sometimes bring pain but for me thats all part of grieving. I’d rather talk, remember and work through the pain rather than avoid it. Your wellbeing is important and, as I’ve found, in the past you can only be strong for so long - at some point we reach a point where we can’t be strong anymore and we need some sort of support network around us to help us to have time to heal and catch our breath. It’s good that your husband supports you and hopefully he can step in if you need to step back from being the strong one. Your Dad too will be grateful for what you’re doing for him. Best wishes.

Hi Lucy, I completely get this. I lost my mum 3 weeks ago, suddenly, unexpectedly, I tried to save her and I couldn’t. It was her funeral yesterday and my heart is broken into a million pieces and I cannot see a way forward. She moved in with me when I was diagnosed with cancer and never went home, last year she was diagnosed but recovered amazingly well.

I have never felt pain like this and I have noticed that across the last week that people have stopped asking how I feel, it’s like well it’s over, move on. I just don’t know how too, the loneliness is the biggest ache and all those that said in the week following “call or message anytime” are suddenly not there.

Deb x

Hey Deb.
Thanks for the reply.
I am so sorry for your loss.
It is so hard isn’t it. There are a lot of people who are there at the start, when they find out what has happened and they check in for the first few days/weeks but then just assume after the funeral ect, you should be over it.
I feel that the later on it’s getting, the worse I am feeling. I think in the first few months, there was so much to sort out and plan ect, there wasn’t really any time to grieve.
Now that the new ‘normal’ has set in, I can’t get my head around it, I can’t get used to the fact that I will never see mom again and I can’t stop thinking about her last moments. The last day.
It was all pretty sudden and unexpected.
Mom had a pneumonia that nobody picked up on and it took hold so quickly.
One minute she was at home and the next she was dying in an a&e cubicle.
I just wish I had known she was so ill, maybe if I’d sought help sooner for her, she’d still be here

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Im so glad you can rant on here and be real.
Not enough is understood about grief and so many people think that once you’ve had the funeral that you can move on. This is furthest from the truth. It’s only then that we can start to comprehend, even in the slightest way the impact their loss has on our lives. :smiling_face_with_tear:

Today it’s hit me again, I call it a tsunami of grief and pain that overtakes you. Normally I’d be at work and distracted a little but it’s in the holidays that I would have been with my dearest Mum the most, my best friend.

I often end up telling people how to treat me through grief.

To all those grieving, my heart is with you and I hope you are being gentle with yourself . X

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Hi Lucy

I lost my mum on 18 December 2022 and can completely relate to what you’re saying. The messages and concern stopped once mum was cremated and I knew then people who’d never been through this grief wanted me to just get on with it.

I didn’t immediately return to work mostly because I knew once I did I would just be expected to cope and that’s exactly what happened even though I am struggling every day; no one is interested.

The added complication for me is I can no longer bear to be around people including family, work or socially. I know I’m shutting myself off and shutting people out but I can’t help it, it’s the only way I can cope.

I’ve endured the loss of 2 of the most important people in my life and an uncle who I was close to when younger, all in an 8 week period, and I feel like my life will never return to any kind of normality.

Stay strong, I’m told it doesn’t get easier but you learn to cope better :heart:.xx

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Hey, thank you for the reply.
It’s so hard isn’t it! And you are right it comes in waves!
Sometimes I feel like I’m ‘carrying’ on and then all of a sudden I’ll stop in my tracks and think, wait, what are you doing, you should be thinking about mom all day, everyday and then the guilt hits so bad.
I just wish she was here.
She’s the first thing I think of when I wake up and when I’m going to bed.
I had another first yesterday, I was in hospital due to gallstones and usually my mom is phoning me, texting me all day while I’m there or even there with me, but I wasn’t able to call or text her, and to make it harder, I was in the same a&e that mom passed away in 3 months earlier.
I just don’t know if this pain will ever get easier x