Another sleepless night

The nights are so very long, Just can’t sleep anymore without my darling husband, I lie awake my mind churning away waiting for day light to come.
Often Iike tonight I don’t bother going to bed it’s just too big and empty.
It’s a strange feeling, it’s as if I’m just waiting for something, watching life from the sidelines with no interest in taking part. I’ve become an observer whereas before my husband and I were very sociable as a couple but at our happiest just being together.
I’m dreading the long winter evenings, no hubby to cuddle up with.and the house feels so empty.
I just can’t accept that he was so fit and full of life one minute and gone the warning, nothing, How is that possible. Waking up to find him gone with his arm still around me, will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I know that I’m fortunate that I have a very supportive family but they don’t really understand the enormity of losing the love of your life, its not something any of us understand until it happens.
People mean well going on about happy memories, time heals etc etc etc… I just want to scream… IT HURTS I want him back.
I’ve become an expert in avoidance of places and occasions we went together
The world is full of couples, never really noticed that before
I now feel like I have a spare empty hand where my hubbies should be, how I wish I could feel his loving and reasurring squeeze of my hand as we walked along.
I always felt so safe and secure with my darling husband now I just feel so lost and alone.
I feel alone even surrounded by people.
Thank you to any one who reads my ramblings, I’m sure they will resonate with many here
A big Hug
Christine xx


Hi Christine I’m laid awake having just lost my partner 2 days ago . I feel in shock , why did this happen to us , could he have been saved if we’d have just gone to the hospital a day early when he was feeling unwell , something that couldn’t be answered by the clinical team that cared for him before his life support was turned off . It’s really early days for me and as I lay here my son and his girlfriend have moved in for a few days to help me through .
I feel your pain it is like no other , trapped in my chest like a volcano ready to erupt

I can’t see a way forward but take solace from your post that it’s not just me others are suffering equally and together we WILL get through I’m sure

Take care and hold on in there



Hi Pen
I am so very sorry, I understand your pain and shock.
I’ve gone over the what ifs a million times and that can be very distructive and if wishing was an Olympic sport I’d get gold.
I’m pleased to hear that you have company at the moment but I know that you will still be feeling alone without the one person you really need and want. My heart goes out to you.
I find that this group helps because we can say exactly how we feel without fear of worrying family and friends.
The best bit of advice I’ve had is not to be persuaded by well meaning people into doing anything or going anywhere you are not comfortable with.
Nobody will be feeling your personal lose as you are, that is unique to you and we all need to take things at our own pace.
There are no timescales or rules to this heartbreaking place we find ourselves in, take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day what ever you need to get through
We are all just trying to survive the worst thing that could ever have imagined
Use this group as a release, we all understand one another here
Take care and a big hug
Christine xx


I know how you feel. I lost my wife in her sleep and I didn’t notice aged 40 March 2019. Lockdown meant not seeing anyone and spending nights going to bed but lying there incase something happens.
The amount of people that I knew were friends as couples they seem to disappear now. Life is definitely different without my partner in crime.


Hi Si1974
There are no words to describe the shock and horror of waking up to find the love of our lives stollen from us in the night.
How it’s possible to come to terms with this I have no idea
I know what you mean about couples, every time I see a couple holding hands or having a cuddle my heart physically hurts
The lockdown I found a bit of a double edged sword, not seeing anyone and too much time with nothing to do but think versus no one trying to get me to go anywhere or do anything
I walked down the high street one day, it was totally deserted as if the world had stopped and I though welcome to my world because mine stopped that morning I woke to find my darling husband gone.
I preferred it, didn’t have to watch other people just carrying on as normal.
I’ve read lots of posts on here about friends in couples disappearing just as you’ve said, maybe its because they don’t want to cause even more hurt to us seeing them still a couple.
I know that I prefer to see them individually not through begrudgement of any kind, it just hurts, I’ve been honest about that and I’ve found that true friends understand that.
Yes as you say it’s a very different world now for all of us on here
My only release is walking, I walk for miles every day,I can just sit on a rock and have a good cry.
I hope that you too can find your release
Take care and a hug


Hi Christine, I feel the same way - every time I go anywhere or try to behave normally, I think about doing it WITH my husband. The word WITH seems the saddest of all. I no longer have anyone to share anything with, talk with, share with, hold hands with - it all seems so pointless. I lost my husband three months ago, and it seems like yesterday. I can’t sleep, can’t be bothered to cook, go through the motions when anyone is there to see, but don’t have anything to do at home. If it was summer, I would immerse myself in the garden and walk, but it’s so cold and wet, although I go to see him and talk to him every day where I scattered his ashes, I can’t stay long, and I feel cheated. I do have friends and a brother, but no children and no one at home, so I can go for days without actually speaking to anyone, unless I go out to the pub and drink - which isn’t a good thing. Hewas my everything, for 45 years, and now I feel adrift, I don’t know what to do or where to go, and I can’t imagine the rest of my life in this limbo. I don’t want to. Everyone says it gets easier, but at the moment I really can’t see the end of the tunnel. He was only 62, like me, so it could be a long time before I see him again - and I really want to see him. Sorry to dump on you all, but sometimes you just need to let it out. Lois

Hi,I lost my partner 23 days ago and unfortunately I have no advice I can give as I’m really struggling too and can identify with everything you have said.
Life is so unfair.
Night time is so difficult,I haven’t slept more than a couple of hours here and there.
We were a very tactile couple and I miss holding his hand, he always made me feel so special and safe.
I am completely lost without him. x

Hi Lois,sorry for your loss,nothing is normal for us suffering with this grief,I’m the same can’t be bothered to cook,eat anything that’s easy,used to enjoy cooking when Steve was here,life now is such a struggle,I feel vulnerable,lost my confidence,could always depend on him.
It’s been 10 weeks since he passed away and every day and night is getting worse,these dark nights always felt cosy when we were together now I’m lonely,always crying
I find it good to talk on here as we are all going through this heartache

Look after yourself

Christine x

Thank you Christine. I know we’re not alone, but it certainly feels like it. I don’t want to talk to my friends, I just bring them down, and when I talk about Trev it makes me cry. It’s been 13 weeks and 2 days and like you I just feel worse each day.

I just want someone to tell me that I’ll see him again (and of course no one can). I do believe it though and sometimes it’s all that gets me up in the morning and off for a walk to talk to him.

I finally understand what it means to have a broken heart!

You take care too,

Lois x

I don’t think people,unless they have also lost there wife or husband,quite understand how painful this grief is to us,since I retired my life was Steve,never needed anyone else except my family,I hate it when someone says something like you’ll get through this it will get better,they have no idea.
Like you I have to believe we will see them again,I will carry on talking to Steve forever,he will always be part of me,it’s heartbreaking knowing our future plans have gone

Take care Lois99

Christine x

Like everyone on here I to am struggling . My Jim died in August and I seem to be getting worse as time goes on its the little things that set me off like seeing his razor or toothbrush in bathroom, going in his shed to get something, seeing something he put up or made in garden for me so many things. Then I think of places we went to and won’t be going again. I miss him every minute of everyday and go up cemetery every single day no matter what the weather if I could get in grave with him I would I so very unhappy it hurts. I will never be the same person I was before and my heart aches for him to think I will never see him again is unbearable . I have no family left and friends have stopped coming since funeral just me and two dogs sitting and waiting to die that’s how I feel. I don’t even put tele on at moment cause it’s all Xmas and everyone being jolly .

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I’m so sorry you don’t seem to have any support,I understand everything you have said,I am finding it harder as time is going on,I think its the realisation they really aren’t coming back,I haven’t moved anything of Steve’s,even his razor,The memories of him are everywhere,I completely broke down when I needed to go in his garage,I know we will never get over there loss its devastating,soul destroying,grief is the most painful,crushing feeling,are you sleeping,I find I’m getting perhaps only a couple of hours,so that doesn’t help

Speak to me anytime you need

Christine x

Thank christine38
At first I thought it was a dream and I would wake up and he would be here now I know he’s not and it’s that I can’t stand. Thought I was doing OK but today is really bad I feel so depressed . I to don’t sleep much awake about 2 in morning and just lay in bed crying and shaking then in morning I’m sick and just dread another day on my own apart from dogs they are the only reason I get up to let them out. It now seems I have to pay bedroom tax because my hubby’s room is empty we used it for medical equipment . Doc gave me some antidepressants I feel like taking the lot

At first the loss did feel like a dream just couldn’t believe Steve had really gone then reality hits hard,I hate mornings coming downstairs to an empty room,Steve was always up before me,absolute nightmare,I was offered anti depressants
still not sure whether to have or not,I always say I’m not depressed I’m grieving,do you think they help you

Keep talking on here we all know how your feeling

Christine x

I feel pills are not making much difference to be honest in fact I think they make it worse when they wear off i feel a deep depression come over me all over again

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I’m really struggling tonight,very upset missing Steve,my heart is pounding I feel sick,I feel so lonely missing him more than ever this is no life,dread going to bed,hope I can sleep can’t stand another bad night,but I’m already dreading morning, is there no end to
this nightmare



Hi, I started this thread one sleepless night back in October
I’ve been reading all the subsequent posts and my heart goes out to everyone who has posted, I’ve tried to reply many times but just didn’t know how to ease all the pain I was reading. Which mirrored so much of my own feelings.
I guess all we can hope is that no matter how impossible it seems, that time does heal.
Like so many I’ve been round and round all the emotions, shock, disbelief, denial, anger etc etc.
I’ve tried running away from the pain… The only difference it’s made is. I’m crying in the sun instead of the cold…
I know that my darling husband would be proud of me coming back to our home, it’s been both hard and comforting… Everything is just as he left it. as if he’d just popped out… I sometimes pretend that he has and almost believe it.
I guess the mind has strange ways of trying to protect itself.
It’s coming up to the Aniversary soon… At least no Christmas trees here so I can pretend that it’s just another day
Last year’s tree is still in the garage in the UK complete with decorations still on it
I dragged it out there and threw a sheet over it as I couldn’t bear to take the decorations off… That was always my husbands job… Wed put the tree up together and he knew I hated taking it down so he’d always take it down while I was out.
Well… That’s started the tears again… So will close now.
I send you all a big hug, its not an easy time for any of us so we all just have to do what is easiest for us to survive which may not be the same as others think is best for us
Take care
Christine xx

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