Anticipating bereavement

I’m at the stage where my wife has been In a care home for 3 weeks suffering from vascular dementia. This the first time in 29 years we’ve been apart. She’ll not be coming home.

I’m grieving for the loss of her, I’m very lonely and very frightened for the future and very few people really understand the agony of emotions I am going through. I dread going back to our empty house and cannot begin to look through all her belongings.

How do people cope with this type of bereavement and all the losses we feel. I’m kind of desperate.

Dear Dutchman,

I am sorry to read about your lovely wife. It’s the saddest time of our lives when a loved one has needs that we cannot meet any longer. I truly understand your desperation and every emotion that is making you grieve, right now. I learnt to live in the here and now. I listened to the advice from medical professionals, care givers and family because I could no longer consult with the one person, I needed to…he suffered a brain injury as a result of encephalitis. I also knew that he wouldn’t be returning to our home. I tried to bring a bit of home to him, every single day. Unfortunately, I didn’t look after me and have spent many months now in recovery mode. So I would say, take good care of you, seek help and advice as needed and let the future take care of itself, for now. We are here to listen. Please continue to read and post, there’s always someone who will answer, you’re not alone, sending strength and kind wishes, x

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Thank you for kind reply. I just feel that I’m going to find it impossible to feel better. I’m here in an empty house full of her memories and can’t come to terms that she won’t be coming back. It would be so easy to bring her home but I know I cannot cate for her on my own. I just cry and cry and have constant stress pains. I’m not a brave person who can brave it out. Carry on like this and I fear for my sanity

Hi, I think you are very brave, you have had to make a most heartbreaking decision in your wife’s best interest…this is the decision nobody wants to make…ever. You are torn in two and it is very painful so no, you are not going to feel better, but hour by hour, day by day, you will find a different way of thinking as you see how she is being cared for. Try not to overthink, it’s so hard and yes, the tears will fall, let them, they are your safety valve. Do you have someone to talk to about how you are feeling right now? Although it’s coming up to two years since my husband died…I just get what you are going through and know you will find ways to cope. You’ve already started through coming onto this forum; we will support you and share our experiences. Please keep posting, always here for you, x

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Problem is that it’s all I think about apart from being distracted by a movie. I’m constantly feeling these pains in my arms, sickness in my stomach and I know it’s all stress related but I just want to be free of it, just for a little while would be nice.

I found extremely difficult to get up this morning to face the day. I’ve decided not to go into the home today as I’m also finding seeing my wife stressful as it’s all a one way relationship and she’s anxious most of the time. So no wonder I’m so stressed and feeling that life sucks. People say I could this or that but I find just the smallest task wears me out. Plus I have all the finance and bills to juggle at a time when I find it hard to concentrate on putting butter on toast.

Bless you for your understanding

Peter

What

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I think many of us will say that you have to do what is right for you. It’s about getting the right balance in order to find some peace…whether you are in watching a film or find yourself out and about, for hours at a time. Finding something that will let your brain relax and come out of overdrive helps, even if it’s just for 10 minutes or so, at a time. I still struggle with my concentration and have used the headspace app, which does help. I keep in contact with the other families who had a loved one in the same nursing home…it’s just something that happens, you look out for each other. I do hope you have someone you can talk to…telling your wife’s and your story does help as does knowing others who are in the same sad, sad situation. Thank you for your blessing, look after you, x

I’m new to this situation and everyone tells me it’s early days (just 4 weeks in the care home) but over the last 2 years, trying cope with my wife’s ever worsening behaviour, I’ve often imagined being on my own away from all the upset that was going on.

Now it’s happened I’m missing her company terribly. I could never have thought reality was so horrible and cruel. I’ve just returned from some caring friends but all I do is carry this load of upset with me and I’m never really ‘there ‘ I’m always thinking all the other stuff.

Thank you for your kind replies

Peter

Problem is that it’s all I think about apart from being distracted by a movie. I’m constantly feeling these pains in my arms, sickness in my stomach and I know it’s all stress related but I just want to be free of it, just for a little while would be nice.

I found extremely difficult to get up this morning to face the day. I’ve decided not to go into the home today as I’m also finding seeing my wife stressful as it’s all a one way relationship and she’s anxious most of the time. So no wonder I’m so stressed and feeling that life sucks. People say I could this or that but I find just the smallest task wears me out. Plus I have all the finance and bills to juggle at a time when I find it hard to concentrate on putting butter on toast.

Bless you for your understanding

Peter

What

I’m not having a half decent day at all. My wife’s in a care home well looked after but deteriorating and I’m torn between visiting her, because I want to see her, and when I see her it breaks my heart. But when stay at home I miss her and I know that she probably isn’t missing me at all, not in the same way at least.

My emotions are all over the place and somewhat out of control and there’s no one here to comfort me. I feel I’m bound to have a breakdown over this and what good would that do as she has no one else to look out for her.

What a mess!!

I’m so sorry to hear your story and the agonies you describe. This time last year my husband went into care with Parkinson’s and dementia. It was the worst time ever, so many mixed emotions. He actually died only a couple of months after that. Also completely devastating. However his death was nothing like as difficult as his going into care. No easy answers, it’s a journey that has to be walked through and few can understand. Sending my deepest sympathy and good wishes. Be kind to yourself, Hilary

I know I should be kind to myself, so many people including our doctor have said so it must be useful. I’m so upset now that I really don’t know how apart from distractions, sleep and the occasional walk. Oh and I’ve booked a session with a hypnotherapist. Anything that stands a chance of working. Who knows? I keep the forum updated.

All my best wishes to you all

Peter

Hi there. I’m on anti depressants now as I cannot cope on my own with all that’s going on. I feel guilt for putting her into the home ( I can’t cope on my own with it now and I’d had left it it would have happened anyway so I’m told by all the professionals) and I’m lonely for her but she annoys me a little when I’m at the home with her constant anxiety. So, I’ve lost my wife as a companion and comforter but gained new stress levels. It just helps just getting it all down telling someone.

Dear Dutchman
My hubby was in hospital for 7weeks before he passed so I understand your thoughts and feelings. There are no comforting words I can say because at this point nothing will make any sense what I can tell you is the sense of relief when he was finally out of pain, the sense of the house being empty will be with you for quite sometime, my hubby died 6months ago and out of the house for 8months, am I used to it yes do I like it no, the nights will be the hardest. I found great solace in keeping busy around the house in doing jobs that we planned together the nights well that I’m still dealing with, I am so sorry for what you are going thru, i think you are wise to come on here, people will understand and be able to offer you the support you will need now and In The future, take care x

It’s really bad this morning I can’t get out of bed it’s safe and I feel so alone. No one to comfort me and the future looks bleak. The doctor put me on Prozac but now I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do but others it is. What’s the point of anything My home is meaningless without my wife, so much of hers here, so many memories and I feel ill with all of this. Just wanted to connect with someone. I was on my own really when she was here caring for her but on my own. Now the feeling is intense. I can’t enjoy the independence, the realisation that I’m on my own hits me all the time

Hello Dutchman, how are you feeling this evening? I’m sorry to hear things were really bad this morning and that you couldn’t get out of bed. It sounds as though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment and have so many thoughts running through your mind. It’s understandable that you’re feeling this way and I hope being able to share your thoughts and connect with others here brings a small bit of comfort.

If you do find that you’re feeling overwhelmed or need someone to talk to, many community members have called the Samaritans (116 123). You could also reach out to your GP again and discuss your thoughts around taking Prozac, if you would find that helpful.

Take care and keep talking to us here as long as you need.

Eleanor

Hello Dutchman
What you are experiencing emotionally and physically at the moment is normal considering all the turmoil and uncertainty you are currently going through. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s also exhausting and stressful. You have already taken some good steps forwards in looking after you by seeing your GP and in reaching out on here for support and talking openly about how you are feeling and what you are going through. Watching a loved one suffer and feeling helpless is so overwhelming and also out of our control. All you can do is take everything one step at a time, hour by hour, day by day and do the best you can. When I watched my dad dying each day and not knowing what was happening or when it would happen, I remember wanting to run away from it all but at the same time didn’t want to leave his side. Fight or flight adrenaline is totally driven by ‘fear’. It’s a scary time. We never really know the inner strength that we actually have until we are tested. You will have the strength to get through whatever you need to but you need to look after yourself first. Eating, getting some fresh air exercise and just resting. When you visit your wife just treasure that time with her just by being there. Hold her hand and share the love and support you have always had together. Keep talking on here and if I can help in anyway I am here.
Lyn

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