Anticipatory grief

Losing a parent
1

Hi everyone… I feel so sick as I write this.

My mum is currently in hospital on palliative care, she was hospitalised on Wednesday and we found out yesterday there’s nothing they could do so they’ve made her comfortable. My other siblings and cousin have been with her and they’ve said she’s responding a little to some things but seems out of pain and very peaceful.

I feel so guilty for not being at the hospital mum, especially as I’ve been her carer for 10 years and I’ve never known my life without her… she’s my absolute world, best friend… you name it. I feel so lost and terrified and every so often my body starts getting really hot and my stomach feels like it’s flipping, then I start crying/whaling that I don’t know what I’m going to do without her (my sisters have said they’ll be there to help me through it all). I cannot imagine being without her and I’d do anything to not be in this situation.

I haven’t managed to eat for 3 days and I’ve just started to fancy pizza then a sudden overwhelming feeling of guilt and sickness comes over me because I can’t bare the fact of getting pizza (my mum didn’t even like pizza much) or any food without my mum. I don’t want to eat because I feel so guilty, is this even normal?

Someone tell me I’m going to be ok please, I’m so scared

2

Hi Milly, I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. My mum died nearly a month ago and before that was in the end of life stages for a while. Although we weren’t clearly told that was what it was, her decline was very apparent and extremely worrying. I was highly stressed with every update on her deterioration. I spent many a night crying and fearing what might come. I also lived in eternal hope that she could just make it to X, Y or Z and we’d have more time. Devastatingly it wasn’t to be. I’m now feeling mainly numb and shocked that what I feared has actually happened. The whole last few months feel like they’ve happened to someone else. I understand your pain and am sending you strength. The best advice I’ve had since losing my mum is to take it a minute at a time.