Hi all, I’ve just joined this group after losing my Mum in November of 2022. I’ve not really seen anyone post about a similar situation and I would really appreciate some advice.
It’s been nearly two years now and although I see so much progress in myself I still feel so lost. I was 19 when she died and I’m turning 22 soon, I feel as though I’m wasting my life away but I can’t seem to get out of this dark place in my mind. My mum and I had a very difficult relationship, she had a similar relationship with her Mother, although she would never admit we were alike in this way. My relationship with her led me to become very anxious from a young age, I have been in and out of counselling, on and off medication and still feel quite hopeless. I am a positive person and used to enjoy spending time around my friends and with my family.
On the anniversary of her death last year I became extremely depressed, I spent the first year mostly in denial so I think that’s why when it hit it felt so sudden. I dropped out of university and became overwhelmingly attached to my boyfriend who I met shortly after my Mum’s death. It got to the point where I couldn’t stay at my own uni house as I couldn’t bare to be around anyone else but him. I’ve slowly reconnected with friends and am building those relationships back up, it just feels so overwhelming.
My parents divorced when I was 6, my Dad never remarried. My Mum on the other hand did. My Dad, my two younger siblings and I really love my step dad and he became an even bigger part of our family when Mum passed. Since her death he has acted very erratically, seeing other women since only a month after she died and being far too open about it with my brother and sister (14). My younger siblings used to live between my Mum and Dad’s houses and continued to go between staying with my Dad and step Dad until it got to the point where they had to move back in with my dad full time as my Step Dad became so depressed the kids were sent to school in dirty clothes and weren’t being looked after properly. Of course I don’t blame him for this at all, everyone grieves in their own way, however I feel it’s quite contradictory of him to be seeing so many different woman in such a short space of time after Mum’s death. My Dad is amazing and has always provided for us in any way he can. Seeing him stress over our financial situation since Mum breaks my heart. Having little to no help from my step Dad has become very difficult, we don’t expect anything from him but of course it’s very hard on my Dad now being a single parent. My dad is very emotionally unavailable and has little time for himself, I feel unbelievably guilty as I haven’t been able to keep a job for the last two years as I’ve been so unbearably depressed and anxious. I wish I could provide for myself to take the stress off of him but I can’t seem to get it together. It’s been so difficult to find a job, especially in a professional career path as I don’t have my degree.
I’m able to be apart from my boyfriend now for maybe up to 2 weeks at a time. But as soon as I leave him and come back home I have this overwhelming dread and cry/ sleep continuously for up to 3 days, then I’ll be able to console myself. I can’t keep going on this way, I’m going to go back on antidepressants soon and go back to therapy, although I also feel guilt for not being able to do it all myself.
My parents have always been very emotionally immature and so I took on a lot of the emotional work for my younger siblings, trying to shield them from the reality of my Mum’s behaviour and Dad’s distance. My Mum’s previous boyfriend was abusive to her physically and emotionally. He never physically hurt me or my siblings but would degrade us verbally a lot. My Mum blamed me a lot for the failure of their relationship which was the peak of her violent outbursts towards me specifically. I know I do need more therapy, yet it’s hard to keep going when I feel there is so much to unpack in my family history. I have had other experiences with assault from previous partners and feel as though my Mum’s loss has sent me over the edge with all my past trauma.
I just feel so lost in my extensive, complicated grief. I just want to feel happier and move on. I try to get out for a walk everyday and do things alone to build up my independence but have this looming feeling of complete hysteria. Can anyone help me at all? Any advice would be so greatly appreciated, I know there is a lot to unpack here.
