Thus is such a difficult thing to write about . I have so much to be grateful for, have a lovely husband , two great kids in their twenties, supportive sister and some close . friends. I’ve always been strong, happy, helpful , people come to me with their worries. I retrained and teach yoga and do voluntary work. But in 2015, I lost my best friend, my mum then my dad within 3 months of each other. Then our beloved 4 year old dog died. My mum & dad retired abroad and were so well but they died so quickly, they were in their 70’s and I thought they would be here a little longer. I coped well, stayed abroad for long periods, but for the last 8 months I’ve had severe anxiety that comes and goes, it’s so debilitating , my doctor is hopeless has given me beta blockers . I don’t feel depressed but Im struggling to eat and sleep and alcohol is the only thing that takes the edge off. I feel lost and alone , pretty hopeless x
Hi Debs im very sorry for your losses .Have you ever had councelling (i go to cruse bereavement councelling ) or you could contact Prscilla she will be able to help (tbh say the word id contact her for you if you wish ) i also phone the samaritains they let me offload day and night they never close (there there for all people in distress ive asked .Ihope ive helped Colin (57)
Hi there ,I can relate to how you feel having lost one parent is hard enough but when you lose the other it shakes you up and leaves one so alone and bereft , just want to say THAT ITS OK to feel how you feel and you need to feel it …get used to it and come through it and it will take as long as it takes because you can’t possibly love people that much and it not hurt this much …I send love hugs and support …keep chatting on here it’s important to share it
Hi, I can relate very much to what Dee has just said. It is 27 months since mum passed away and I still miss her very much and would still find it very difficult to deal with.
Thankyou Colin that’s so kind of you to reply, I couldn’t find my post & then started to feel better but this week it’s all back. I will consider counselling, have changed doctors & hoping to see a GP this week. I thought that what I’m feeling is a normal part of the grieving process so to admit to needing help is a challenge. Thank you again debs
Thank you dee, very true words, I am a coper but think I need to get some help, this forum is so kind, such supportive people. Thank you again x
Thanks steve, so sorry to hear about your mum. You have given me a little hope that it’s going to take much longer than I imagined to come to accept that they have both gone.
Oh Debs I so feel for you! My beloved mum died in July from vascular dementia and although I felt I was ‘ready’ it has been devastating. I had about eight weeks of being absolutely desperate, but then it very gradually seemed to ease and I started doing ‘normal’ things again.
January the 20th was my mums birthday and since the 18th I’ve been wretched and wracked with anxiety. On meds. from the doctor but as yet feel so ill. Like you I can’t eat and I’ve found that alcohol takes away the soreness in my chest and tummy and calms my racing, irrational thoughts. Strangely, I go to bed feeling ‘normal’ and I sleep well, but in the morning I’m panicking, scared and drenched in sweat. I can’t believe that this is normal. Friends are telling me not to use alcohol as a crutch but it’s the only time I feel like me.
You’ve had so many losses in such a short time I think you are amazing to be able to write about your feelings. I live by myself now and that has both good and bad points. One of the hardest things is to watch my dads suffering, he misses my mum so much, and to see this strong, brave man in pieces breaks my heart.
I too am thinking about counselling, but it’s very expensive. I’m giving it some more thought.
Grief is much harder than I could ever have imagined. At the moment I cannot believe that I’ll ever be me again. Well intentioned people tell me just to give it time, but I’m hurting so much.
I’ve re-read this message and have talked about myself much more than offering comfort to you but if nothing else I hope you take a little comfort from knowing that you are not alone. Sending a big hug.
I have really bad anxiety, too. I’m on pregabalin for it which I think has helped. I’m working on self soothing and things, too. And using a distress tolerance box. I think the key is finding a fantastic GP.
Please keep fighting Xxx
Hope you’re having a decent day. Would you mind telling me more about ‘self soothing’ and a ‘distress tolerance box’ if you’re up to it? My anxiety doesn’t seem to make sense to me? Yes, horrid things have happened but I can’t stop just over thinking and catastrophying every little thing?
I’ve been prescribed with all sorts of drugs since losing my son just before christmas and like you say most nights my only option is to open a bottle. Like you my anxiety comes and goes and I also have great family support but none of it ever takes the pain away
I can completely relate to catastrophising things - I do the same.
Self soothing, is basically taking the idea that when you’re a child and upset, your Mum gives you a hug and you feel better, and translating it to being an adult. so in my case, I have blankets in diferent textures, I have teddies, I have netflix, I have heatpacks, sometimes I’ll do a warm bath. Anything you can think of that feels like a ‘hug’.
Distress tolerance box - I have a box filled with things to help me cope when I feel distressed (without resorting to unhealthy things). It has things like colouring books, tea, messages from friends, cross stitches, wooden puzzles, fiddly toys… if you’re interested, I’ve written a blog on it before and I could pm you the link?
Did you ever lose a child Julie? i have lost so many of my close family in such a short time in my life but to lose my son beats me up every day i do soothe myself with my other children and grandchildren and they are what keep me going. I had my children young so i’m still mobile enough to entertain and enjoy them all xxx I have one of my family that create pillows and blankets etc from loved ones and she is doing that for me with some of his clothes so that will give me great comfort, my husband and I also have an item each of his clothing under our pillows and that is helping up so very much xxxx the pain of losing him will never ever go away we just try to get through a day and as a family we really do soothe each other in a very loving way and thats what will get us through all of this x
Thank you for your kindness. Yes, I would like more information please.
I’ll drop you a message x
Coming into this a little late but completely relate to the self soothing idea. My Mum passed away just over six moths ago and the devastation still is hard to bear. I sleep with one of my Mum’s hankies in my hand and it strangely really helps me. I have moved into her bedroom recently too an am sleeping in her bed which i find really comforting. I do adult colouring books and find they pass the time very well if feeling really blue and miserable. Really worth trying.
Ah Julie, so sorry to hear about your mum, think we are never ever prepared to lose those we love & who have known us all our lives. You also have the worry of your dad, how he’s coping , is he eating etc Like you I had no idea how how truly devasting grief can be.thankyou for your reply, please know you are not alone, do whatever you need to do to get through this time. And be as kind to yourself as you would a close friend. Re the anxiety I’m learning that it’s really common, it feels isolating and exhausting. Talk to those who understand and who will just listen. I’ve changed doctors and they have given me a lower beta blocker dose, it helps. Sending you hugs
Hi debs, I’m so sorry for your loss, no one can imagine your pain and sadness , it’s a very lonely path. Do what you need to do to get through this time, no expectation, no i should be doing this or that, just get through the day, til the next. Be especially kind to yourself Do one nice thing for yourself every day. Sending you love and hugs
Debs I really appreciate your kind words. xxx
Hi all, I hope you don’t mind me dropping into this conversation, but I wondered if any of you feel able to reply to a new member? Wease has recently lost her dad and is experiencing severe anxiety. I’m sure hearing about your experiences with grief and anxiety would help her a lot. Her post is here:
I’m glad to see you all sharing your experiences, and I hope it is helping to be able to talk to each other.