Hi everyone, I’ve had a day today where I have had this overwhelming feeling of fear! I’m 40 and I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone, yet I can’t ever imagine having another, every thought I have, everywhere I go Lee is at the centre. He was perfect to me in every way and I never want a life where I can’t speak about him all the time and have all his things surrounding me, yet I’m scared of being alone for potentially decades as I’m so young. I just want my perfect man back, to guide me and make me feel whole again. It’s been 4 months so I know from losing my dad it’s early days but I feel worse, I miss him more every day and I feel like my life has no meaning, no hopes and dreams just getting from A-B and seeing to the kids. Yes I laugh but it’s the automatic type that doesn’t touch your eyes; people already have that assumption that yes she’s back in work she’s fine now. I’m starting counselling soon so I hope that helps me. Hope you are all well and apologise for rambling x
Hi @Foreveryoung81
It sounds like an enormous loss you’ve suffered and continue to suffer.
I really relate to the way you describe the automatic kind of laughter, I experience that too sometimes.
I’m glad you posted 
Thank you for your reply, I remember the photos after my dad for years I was smiling but nothing smiled in my eyes and I imagine in years to come when I look back at photos (which o avoid these days) it’ll be the same thing. Hope you are doing okay? X
Forever young
That’s a helpful way to express your smiles and laughter there is a disconnection from the rest of your body that others can’t see but you are aware of . Invisible grief .
You are young to experience the loss of your loving man.
I’m 63 this year my husband was 58 when he died in October . I have felt that I don’t want to live into older age without him alongside me . Our future plans have gone with him to . I don’t like to even look into my future as it feels so lonely.
So sorry for your loss, Lee passed in October as well. It’s how your life just changes overnight and all our hopes and dreams go with them. I flit between total despair and numbness at the moment. How have you been? X
Forever young
I’ve been all over the place . I cry a lot it comes very easily. I can’t look at photographs or listen to music.
I find the night the start of the day and evening lonely.
I have insomnia I miss him lying alongside me. I often have an anxious stomach.
I’m eating a bit better than I was, but food shopping and meals for one is miserable.
I get eating out of the way it’s not enjoyable
I often say out loud how can this be !
I don’t want to go into older age without him alongside me. I loved him so much and I know I will never feel loved like he did to me ever again. It’s gut wrenching isn’t it .
I understand all that, I can’t sleep, forget to eat and when I do it upsets me that I’m no longer enjoying making food for us to share. So many times throughout the day I miss all those moments that I can’t seem to fill. I’m back in work so busy during the day but evenings and weekends are so lonely even if I am or was surrounded by people I feel this huge emptiness. I know I don’t think I could love or be loved the same way again and I don’t want to but also I’m scared of living alone for the rest of my life too. So many emotions I never dreamt I’d have to deal with let alone so soon I’m my life. Do you have lots of support around you? X
I have a son and daughter and grandchildren . I’ve actually found the grandchildren even though young in ages my best support. They give such love .
I am blessed for that
But
No one is my husband . And now I live alone. I haven’t lived alone since I was 20yrs old then I married . I’m 63 this year I
I think not now I may get a dog for companionship .
I return to work next week. It will be phased in. I have mixed feelings about that to. I’m not who I was .
My mam lost my dad 5 years ago, he was 54 and you sound just like her. She actually took early retirement but now wishes she hadn’t as work would have been a distraction. She also got a dog who is great companionship for her and company when she gets home, he’s like her baby 
x I have far more empathy for her having now gone through the same thing although I wish I’d have had 30 years together and wasn’t facing such a long time god willing alone. Day at a time is all we can do, I find work helps as it’s a part of my life the only one I never shared with Lee so I can still be me there, although obviously I’m not the same person anymore x