Don’t know if anyone can help. I lost my beloved husband earlier this year. He was the light of my life and my reason for being and was an all round good,kind human being. Why is it always the good ones that are taken too soon? We had 28 glorious years for which I shall be eternally grateful. Because we did not need anyone else we were quite happy with each other’s company, since his sudden death I have found it very difficult to build a life. I know and accept I will never find happiness again and I am not looking for sympathy as everyone on this site is coping with loss and grief. However it is now 21 days since I last had a conversation with anyone ( and that was when I paid the window cleaner) my neighbours lead busy lives with work, holidays etc and I do not expect them to worry or talk to me they have their own lives to lead. However, my days and nights are so long, lonely and pointless, this is not living it is existing!! I have tried to enrol at our local bowls club but their membership is full. I have visited several charity shops near me but they have sufficient volunteers. I have also approached league of friends at the hospital no one required! Being 67 I feel I have the ability to give back to the community but so far have drawn a blank. I asked in the supermarket if there are any vacancies as I am fit and able to work and to be honest could do with some money to boost my income which has greatly depleted since my husbands passing. Only to be told that I need to register on line attaching my cv. Unfortunately I do not have the technical skills required to be able to do that. How many other willing, conscientious and able workers are they missing out on because of that one size fits all approach ? I have also tried registering with local recruitment agencies without success. I have accepted that until I go to meet my maker which I pray every day will be soon I will never find happiness but my husband would be saying ‘ get out there and live life ‘ I can’t without him but if anyone can suggest a way that I can do something to ease the pain it would be most gratefully accepted. Just a question do all grieving people hate weekends and bank holidays? Just reinforces that you are now on your own.
Hello “Lost Soul,” I have been on this Site since my life was shattered by the sudden death of my younger sister, soul mate and best friend, in May. The people here have been such a tremendous support, and I am so grateful to all who have been responding to my pain. When I saw your title, however, I could immediately relate. I too feel like a “Lost Soul,” just drifting through life since the event in May that took my heart and spirit. I have to go to work to support myself, or I would be isolating too. At least it forces me to get up and out, no matter how despondent I may feel. Although I am around people all day, it is that inner loneliness that is torment, because nothing or no one can fill that void left by our loved ones. Nights and weekends are way too long, and I find myself just wanting to sleep through them, but sleep does not come. I commend you for finding the energy to seek out places where you can be active and involved. I realize how discouraging it can be, but do not give up. Keep looking, and enlist someone to assist you to fill out those technical forms if necessary. I am close to your age and I know I must keep active or the thoughts will overcome me and I will become paralyzed by the grief. I might also suggest a Bereavement Support Group, where you could be among others on a weekly or monthly basis and look forward to a place to go. Perhaps you could locate one in your area. I began going to one at the hospital that treated my sister’s cancer, and after one meeting I already felt less lost and helpless. Please come back and post your feelings, because you will get caring feedback here. We may be grieving different losses, but the pain and heartbreak is common to all. I am so sorry for your loss. Here to listen. Xx
Hello sister 2 what lovely words of support I will keep trying to seek ways I can find a support group. So sorry for your loss and your heartbreak. Stay strong and thankyou for your advice xxx
Hi Lost Soul
I was sorry to read your post about the loss of your husband. 28 years is a long time, lovely and long that you had all those wonderful years together. You must have some super memories of things you did together, places you went together and just being together. Very special indeed and no one can ever take those from you.
I am shocked at the way you have been turned down by the various organisations you have approached. Charities in particular I am surprised at. I used to work for one of the leading UK charities and we would never have turned down willing help. With regards to the supermarket, if you went to your local job centre and explained they should be able to help you with the online forms.
I understand and empathise with your post as I lost my Mum two years ago and moved from the family home last year. I moved right out of the area as I couldn’t bear to see the old house torn apart by others. In particular Mums and my garden which I have heard they are having ‘landscaped’. I felt I could not move on and make new friends unless I went somewhere new. There of course is the problem. Finding like minded people to make friends with.
I am thinking getting invloved with the local community is the way to get to know people. Local residents group or something like that. Have you got anything similar near you? Book club at your local library? Always a good place to visit anyway as they have lists of what is going on. This is a voyage of discovery for me too so these are just ideas I am exploring. Do you drive? Local groups often welcome willing volunteers to take people to appointments such as doctors or hospital. My Mum once she stopped diving was helped by a lovely group of people and became friends with many of them.
Like you and others I find weekends and bank holidays can be interminable. I tell myself I should get up and enjoy the good weather while it lasts. Finding the impetus to do so is another matter. I will be looking after a friend’s dog for a couple of weeks soon which will get me out. Last time I had the dog for 10 days and spoke to more people walking her than I had in as many months. There I think is my answer!
Take care of yourself and good luck. I am sure there is a group of people out there just waiting for you to join their gang.
Mel
Dear Mel
What a lovely message to receive on this cold,wet bank holiday!
Lots of sound advice so thankyou. I have decided as you did to sell the family home, yes lots of memories especially my husband and I building up the family home together, but although not huge it is a substantial 3 bed house that will need heating in the winter and like all houses on going maintenance. I only need a small property and as you did, a new area, new start may help. My husband and I loved walking and going out exploring our local area but I find I cannot retrace our steps it is just too painful. I am so sorry for your loss, losing a mum at any age is so painful, you think your mum will always be there don’t you? You sound a very practical and resourceful person who has been dealt a cruel blow but is getting on as best you can. For that I applaud you. I will heed your advice, move to a new area ( wherever I am my husband will always be with me) find organisations and charities that do need and want my help. Good luck for the future and much happiness. I also thought about getting a little dog, a rescue dog maybe we could rescue each other ! Gives you a purpose each day and a reason to get out. Keep in touch let me know how your new life goes. Thankyou once again xx
Hello Lost Soul,
I understand how lonely you must be feeling. I still do and it is now 22 months since Ronald died.
Suggestions for finding ways to be involved with others…
Silverline is for the older community who find themselves lonely. It is a telephone helpline.
Libraries are great to find out about local activities and where help might be needed. Libraries need volunteers.
Adult Education has a whole range of activities to join.
There are lots of charities requiring knitted items. Knit and natter groups are very popular.
You say you are not good enough with technical skills…? The library could help there too as very often there are computer instruction days.
The job centre is best stop for work as well as advice. And will also give advice re voluntary work.
I am fortunate in that I have a girlfriend who I have known forever and we Skype once a week as she lives in Canada. Otherwise days go by and I might not speak to a soul. September new classes/activities will start and that will help have some useful focus to the week.
Way Up is an online community for the bereaved and they have local outings.
Yours magazine has a section where people post seeking penpals/friends.
And, in answer to your last point, the holidays can seem endless! Yesterday was my anniversary and although I had thought to go out, in the end I didn’t as I could not face being around other happy couples. Instead I spent a quiet day reflecting on how fortunate I had been for 44 years - and sewing, which for me helps to soothe my sadness.
Take care of yourself and know that you are not alone in how you feel. I hope you will be able to find new activities to help give you some focus to your days.
xCarole
Dear Carole. Thankyou so much for your very sound advice. I will certainly follow up your suggestions. Our local library unfortunately as with a lot of rural communities has closed. A real shame as it was a useful resource. However, your other suggestions are most welcome. You were very brave to consider going out for your anniversary I am dreading this year of ‘ firsts’. You sound like a very brave person and thankyou once again for your advice.
Good Afternoon, I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my Dad 2 months ago quite suddenly to cancer and My mum is also 67 and for her she lost her husband of 30 years.
I know that for her it helps that she joined a local book club where she has made some good friends. I know you said you are not too tech savvy but there is a website called Meetup which has various different social activities and groups for people of all ages, theres a lot of craft groups and book clubs on there.
www.meetup.com
Also have you looked at the Royal Voluntary service. They might be able to help you.
I hope you find something soon to help.
Jemima
Jemima. Thankyou so much for your advice. I shall certainly explore local book clubs. Thankyou. Very kindest thoughts and wishes to you and your mum.xx
My wife died 2 weeks ago so I am hardly an expert on dealing with grief. I’ve known she was dying for 4 years as she had a brain tumour with a median survival rate of 14 months. She lived 51 months from diagnosis. I gave up all my interests 4 years ago to care for her and to make the most of whatever time we had together. We had been an item for 49 years and married for 44. I knew I would struggle without her and so it is proving to be. I assume it is going to get much, much worse. It’s her funeral this week.
Several years ago Carolyn suggested I should get out more and try and make more friends and contacts so I joined a number of clubs, societies and organisations. Although she had many friends I had very few as she had really been enough for me. I worked in a different town to the one in which I lived so, although living here for 42 years knew very few people other than neighbours.
I joined the Ramblers Association when I retired from work and that was a good way to get to know many interesting people. There were many single women who walked with the group and there were all different types of walks and distances covered. Another organisation I joined was U3A and I would recommend them as they have a great range of activities. Again, there were many single people as members. I have just joined three U3A groups to ensure I have something to get me out of the house. I am going to walk a bit every day to overcome a knee problem as I would like to walk again with the walking group of the Ramblers Association. I an grateful for the previous contributions as some of the suggestions people have made.
David
David. What a strong, brave person you sound and well done for getting out there and joining clubs etc. I was drawn to your profile as my husband was a proud ‘Yorkshire Lad !’ Stay strong if you can for your wife. The funeral will be difficult but my husband said to me towards the end of his life. Celebrate my life and the time we had together don’t mourn my death. Not always easy to do when grief over takes you. I will take your advice and contact U3A in my area and also see if there is a walking group as that is something we enjoyed doing. Thank you for your suggestions.
I’m neither brave nor strong but I’m determined to have some sort of strategy which might help me cope. Once the funeral is over I suspect I might just collapse in a heap. I’m just looking for as many reasons as possible to get out of bed in a morning and put one foot in front of the other. I’ve seen a lot of my 4 children and 7 grandchildren but I know they can’t continue to devote that much time to me in future. I dread the thought of being on my own in the house for long. I used to go off walking in the Lakes and Dales, and camping in my camper van and Carolyn encouraged me to do it. Maybe I will be able to do that again. I suppose I see it all as a Survival challenge ( Bear Grylls style ).
I don’t think there is anyone that can do it for me so I have to dig deep within myself.
Fine words masking a lot of pain and anguish.
I think you are coping extremely well. You will find that after the funeral it hits you doubly hard. In the early days following my husbands death, his work colleagues and friends called to pass on condolences etc. But then it all stops. They have busy lives and family and quite rightly need to make them a priority. Organising the funeral gives you a focus, the day will be painful but the aftermath is when it truly hits you. Stay strong for your wife and live the life she would want you to live. Let your children support you as much as they want to it will help them to cope with losing their mum. I have just one daughter and granddaughter and they have been very supportive but live a long way from me. Sometimes when family call you, you will be having a rubbish day but I bluff it and tell my daughter I am fine as I do not want her worrying about me. Family homes are not meant for one and yes it is hard living alone or worse coming back to an empty house. You will get there, life will never be the same she will always be with you in your heart but we have to learn to cope with that overwhelming pain and for our loved ones find a way to build a life without the one you wanted to be with forever. I wish you strength to get through but don’t underestimate how well you are doing.
Hi Lost Soul
I lost my lovely husband 8 weeks ago. Like you we were best friends, and did everything together. We had been together for 41 years. We were both 58. He died suddenly whilst in the gym, whilst I was in the pool next door. Massive heart attack. I am devastated. We are from the Midlands but had moved after taking early retirement to Cornwall. I felt so isolated and the grief was overtaking me. My doctor told me about a lady she would put me in touch with who lost her partner a week before I lost Carl. She and I met on Sunday and try and just talk or see each other for a coffee every day. It takes that loneliness away just for a few minutes. She has been part of the walking for health groups and they are nationwide. You may want to look into it. The website is walkingforhealth .org.uk
Also, hospitals tend to want volunteers too, to help direct people, run coffee areas and leaflet zones. It’s so hard isn’t it. I’m thinking of eventually moving back as it’s where my sister and all my friends are, but it’s too early yet. Take care and lots of hugs. X
Hi,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my wonderful husband in March after 50 years of marriage.
Have you thought of joining U3A and doing a couple of their classes, it’s a great way to meet people and spend an enjoyable few hours a couple of times a week. It’s also very inexpensive.
I have 2 little dogs and have joined a walking club, I can take the dogs with me, they meet other dogs and I meet peopleand have made some good friends there.
Dog Rehoming shelters are always on the lookout for volunteers so, if you have one of those close by it may be worthwhile to pop in and have a chat to them.
I hope you find something soon and start to feel better
Linda