Hi, it’s my first time posting on this forum. A few days ago I was at my bfs house and got a call from my mum telling me my big brother was dead. just like that. He committed suicide. my world is shattered. This constant agony is eating at me every day and I keep trying to push it away. He didn’t leave a note. He was in his 30s, he was so sad. He suffered from addiction, homelessness, etc. I was the only one he felt like he could fucking talk to I love him so much why can’t he just come back?? nobody understands. My boyfriend isn’t even supportive. Everyone has this facade of caring but they don’t actually. Nobody wants to hang out with me, even my boyfriend told me to go home today. All I can do is rot in bed and cry. I don’t want to be here anymore.
Hi @jadeform,
I’m so sorry to hear about your big brother. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really lonely.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you’re feeling with us. It is very normal for people who are grieving to feel a bit lost and not know where to start.
We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving, and it is often about wanting the person who has died back or life to go back to how we know it. We have a video about it here, which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
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If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
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You can call 111 and choose the mental health option to speak to a trained mental health professional (England, Scotland and Wales only)
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Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
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Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
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You can find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You may also find it helpful to speak with Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS) - you can find out more on their website or call 0300 115065.
You deserve care and support so please, @jadeform, get in touch with one of these services.
Take care,
Naoise
It’s so normal to not want to be here. My husband died a year ago and every single day since I have woken up in the morning and thought damn I’m here for another day without him. You are young with a life ahead of you and you will get through this. You will always be sad and always miss your brother but you will adapt so that you can live with the loss, not get over it, but live differently. Take care of yourself xx
Hi.
It feels like the world is ending right now, and no one can tell you how the grieving process will go for you as it’s different for each person. I am so sorry you lost your big brother.
I was in the same position as you 6 years ago. I’m 22 now and I was 6 when my brother unexpectedly passed due to addiction which we wasn’t aware of as he was in prison and died on his second day of release.
So I can relate to the pain you are feeling as a younger sibling and it is very scary and lonely. It’s hard to show grief when you want to hide it from your parents and to be strong, but at the same time you have just lost your big brother.
I want to emphasise, the pain never ever ever goes away, But it becomes manageable. I have never spoken to anyone about my grief and I have just come across this forum as I’m having one of those nights where it’s just not nice. It’s difficult to also reach out to people that are not in the same situation as you because they won’t ever understand, so I encourage you to speak as freely as you can with close family etc if you can❤️
But again you can always come on here and speak to me. Don’t feel alone or as if you have no one to turn to. One day slowly at a time you will become stronger and you will be able to smile about the memories you both made rather than avoid thinking about then because it’s so painful.
I hope this all makes sense and comes across nice as I do not intend it to be insensitive 
Grief is a horrible process especially when it’s unexpected, don’t be hard on yourself and keep looking forward. You’ve got this❤️