I owe the good people who come here and have shared with me an apology. I’m sorry for being belligerent. I like everyone else miss my sweetheart so badly, I just feel so alone. She was my life and without her everything is pointless.
The time of year magnifies everything and makes it so much harder. Christmas was always special to us. I can deal with the religious side of Christmas but can’t handle festivity. I really want to be dead to join in her paradise but God has other plans for me. I just wish he’d share with me what they are.
I am fortunate that I have been allowed to volunteer on Christmas Day to help feed the homeless and on Boxing Day to assist with a dinner for those who are alone, without that I don’t think I could make it through.
Once again I’m sorry if I upset anyone with my words and selfish thoughts, God I know how difficult this journey is so I shouldn’t be making it harder for anyone else. Please forgive me and have a blessed Christmas everyone.
Take care,

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No forgiveness needed at all Carl. This is why we are all here to support, to talk and to be honest. It’s our safe place. You are grieving we all understand. We all get it. Take care I hope you find some peace here in this life.

Thank you Jooles, I try my best to be honest, but I haven’t been kind or caring, I’ve been selfish, I am better than that. My Rhonda was a nurse, she taught me to be a better person. I’m letting her down. Her mother taught me better, I held both of their hands as they took their last breaths. I am a lucky man to have two angels watching over me, I just don’t always appreciate it. Without the kindness of strangers I would already have taken my own life and been condemned to never see either of them again, I am grateful and I am sorry for not fully appreciating the undeserving kindness shown to me.
Thank you and may God bless you.

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Carl1955, you are among friends here, We are all grieving and here for each other.
Take care. A blessed Christmas to you too.

Carl you had a blip. Now you can go back to the person you want to be. The person your wife knew and loved. Blip seems so blasé I don’t mean it to sound flippant. Maybe glitch sounds better. Either way it doesn’t define who you are other than you are a human person who is grieving. Take care and thank you

Hello, Carl,
You do not owe me an apology, nor did you upset me. I do understand the intense grief through which you are going, it is awful and we all deal with it in different ways.
I wish you a peaceful Christmas.

Oh for goodness sake Carl, what is there to forgive!. I don’t remember any of your posts being belligerent. But even if they were we all feel angry at times and lash out. We may be bad tempered and a bit stroppy, but it’s all part of this awful experience we are going though. Forgiveness is indeed divine in these circumstances.
There is no right or wrong in this experience. Many who have not gone through this may find us difficult to live with.
I too have fallen short in my dealings with others, and that includes my wife. Guilt became a big factor for me, but it has diminished somewhat. We are all human and make mistakes, sometimes big ones. But it’s how we felt at the time. When under stress we may behave irrationally.
Forgiveness is a virtue. If we don’t forgive it can become an open wound that never heals. We need to forgive ourselves too. My wife would have forgiven me long ago, I know that. But the little ‘niggles’ about could I have done better still come and go.
Take care Carl. We can only do our best and learn from our mistakes.

My dear Carl, there is no need for apologies, you know full well that we all understand. I must admit I had noticed a difference in your posts but wasn’t offended in any way, as I, along with so many others understand your intense pain. If I remember right you also lost so much, not just your beloved Rhonda.
You are a good man Carl and you have proved it many times and now with your volunteering this Christmas, you are going to help others when you are struggling yourself. We have all changed, we can hardly recognise ourselves, we are frustrated and confused and possibly prone to doing things that are uncharacteristic but on this forum you will find support so don’t leave us we are all here to listen.
Love and blessing

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I think the difference Patti is my acceptance that God won’t take me so sooner or later I have to do it myself. Every day I pray for death, but I still wake up. People tell me God has a plan for me, I’m supposedly a good person, what if his plan for me is the thought that goes through my head multiple times every single day?
The fact is the line that greets us when we visit Sue Ryder that says: “You are not alone” is a lie, we are alone, we can be surrounded by people and still be alone because the one person we shared our lives with isn’t here any more.
I feel alone. empty and long for death. All the talk therapy, all the goodwill and kindness doesn’t bring back the only thing that matters to any of us. I don’t want to live without her and I don’t intend to for much longer.
I thank you for caring, but without my Rhonda I have nothing and it’s all pointless.
We must each do what is right for us, take care now, Carl.

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Hi Carl. There is not a lot I can say, any of us can say, that will make things seem any different. I don’t want to intrude because I may not have read all your posts, but you do need help. Alright, I do know that help never seems enough and no one or any thing can replace your loss. Despair is our enemy.
It’s how we see things and each individual will see grief in their own way. I believe the Sue Ryder statement that we are not alone. But I also see that the pain barrier can be overwhelming and seem impossible to break through. I often feel so sad and lonely. Then I come on here and know I am not alone. I always console myself with the thought that what would my dear wife have wanted for me.
Looking at what I have just written seems so inadequate. I wish, oh my God I wish there was something more I could do. I know the pain.
Please Carl. Try not to give up. I’m sure everyone on here sends love and blessings.

Dear Carl. I hope I am going to say the right things as I have no experience with dealing with the way you are feeling. I have come to realise that the way grief affects us is cruel and we are not thinking straight most of the time. Life can be such a struggle and our heads are full of mixed up thoughts.
You are not alone Carl as we all understand what you are going through but how we choose to deal with those thoughts is an individual thing. Please give us and others a chance to support you through this terrible time.
As Jonathan so rightly says you need help. You have your faith, is there no one that you can share your thoughts with that might be of support. I presume you have spoken to a doctor or the Samaritans. If you are taking medication then let your GP know how you feel. Now I know that non of this can bring back the person you most want, I’ve found that out by now for myself .
If God doesn’t choose to take you then it’s not your time and there might well be a plan for you. I agree that we can be surrounded by people and it makes no difference but this is something that we all have to come to terms with at some time or other, that doesn’t mean that we can ever forget.
You are quite right nothing is going to bring them back to us but we can carry them with us. The love that we shared should not be wasted, it was precious just as your life is.
God bless
Pat xxx

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Thank you Patti, we none of us have experience of the things we’re dealing with, we didn’t ask for them.
Times when I feel good about myself I do things to make me upset because I feel guilty about feeling good. I get depressed because I’m not depressed when I feel I should be. Stupid isn’t it?
Yesterday I had a really good day, spiritual and uplifting with the Salvation Army. I helped serve tea, coffee and dinner to my fellow, imperfect humans and then sat and ate with them. I felt blessed, it was, apart from those I had with the woman I loved for 22 years, one of the best Christmases I’ve had.
I came home and felt guilty, I played sad songs to make me cry. Jealous of the angels is one, but then I came across a song with the words “God’s garden must be beautiful because he only picks the best.”
How true, my sweet, beautiful Rhonda was one of the best and I am not. It kind of made sense, I have to earn my place in heaven by giving back more. It’s why yesterday with the Salvation Army and today volunteering with my church to help serve a meal to people who are alone felt spiritual and uplifting. God wants me to be better before He will accept me.
Christmas blessings Patti, and thank you.

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Carl, I am delighted you have had two good days. I am also considering doing something similar next year. I had considered it this year but just didn’t have the confidence to approach anyone. Can you not carry on this work there must be something you could do. Why did you feel guilty. You offered yourself even though you are grieving and distressed. I think you was very brave. It was meant that you did something to help others and in return it helped you.
God bless and keep up the good work.
Pat xx

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I feel guilty because she isn’t here to feel good as well.
I do know she is watching over me and encouraging me to do good things.
I volunteer two sessions a week with the food bank, I was busy with the election campaign to get my local MP re-elected. Now she is back in the Commons my schedule is less full so I will be looking for more stuff.
I’m 64 years old so I also have to look for work, at my age with a 20 year gap in my employment history I’m not exactly what employers are looking for. The volunteering hopefully shows I’m willing and able.
What I’m actually doing is passing time, trying my best to help a few other lost souls on the way until my time comes to join Rhonda once again. She really was my everything, I gave up everything to be with her. I followed my heart and was rewarded with over twenty years of love. I don’t regret a thing, but my heart is broken. I want so much to join her. Looking forward to death is the most important thing in my life.
Only those of us in that position, not counsellors or anyone else could understand.
Prayers and God bless you Patti.

Hi carl i feel the same way as you do. Disappointed when i wake up in the morning, that i am still here. Nothing will ever be the same again and yes we are alone. No one really wants to know. They say they will be there for you but most of my family just cause me grief. I have always been a quiet person. Alan was the more outgoing of us. But because we had shared interests and were close we didn’t have friends. We were very happy with each others company. It was may when alan passed away and at one stage i felt i had started to cope better but then the person helping me to move on with my life, isn"t there for me like she used to be so i feel like i have gone backwards again. I too feel alone and empty and as you say all the therapy in the world won’t help. It can’t, how can it. I have said it before and i will say it again. The only thing stopping me from committing suicide is i am not brave enough to do it. Some people say its not bravery but selfish. Why is it selfish when no one wants to know you anyway. And if you want to be with the person you have loved and cared about for 43 years then to me that should be ok. Nothing has any meaning anymore and i certainly don’t want to be put on medication. My wish is for alan to reach down and take me to him for ever. Xx


I take medication Daisy to make me less impulsive, less likely to act on the suicidal thoughts. I had my spot to do it, until I found out the counsellor I talk to regarded it as her special place. It doesn’t take bravery just a moment of loss of control. Although it is selfish, we may think some people don’t care but there is a ripple effect of guilt where acquaintances think they should have done more or spotted the signs. People I barely know who I talk to once a week at church tell me they would be hurt if I took my own life.
I’ve found talking to other people and getting it out in the open is not only liberating for me but helpful to others.
The one thing that really stops me is I don’t know if my sweetheart will forgive me. I can’t face eternity without her. I know for an absolute fact she is watching over me.
She was my only friend, my confidante and lover, when she died I felt and still do feel completely alone.
I have always been quiet and reserved but in order to survive I involve myself in multiple activities. I spent two days volunteering over Christmas and felt blessed by God to be helping people worse off than me. I sing in a choir, something which if anyone had told me a year ago I would have laughed in their face. Yet earlier this month I stood on stage in front of an audience and sang.
The relief of feeling good is only temporary but the more you do the longer the relief lasts. I have to force myself to get out and get involved but it always feels better afterwards.
My partner was a nurse, a good person, I am not so good. God only picks the best people for His Kingdom, He chose my sweetheart, I still have to prove myself worthy.
One thing I always say is once you have lost everything that was important in your life you can then do anything. Try things you have never done before, the worst you can do is screw up, if you do no one cares, we are all flawed. Read the notice boards in churches, libraries, community centres and over 60s groups. Singing is really good for mental well-being, and even if like me you thought you can’t sing, you can, everyone can, some are better than others is all and no one cares in a choir. The better singers cover for the less good.
Take care and God bless you, Carl.

Hi carl if it takes a moment of loss of control then i can’t wait for that day to come. I feel worse now than when alan died. I feel badly let down. One of my sons who lives with me should have taken me shopping on monday before christmas as we had arranged it. He changed his mind though so i went on bus and struggled with heavy veg. etc back on bus. Its a long story but hes still not speaking. He took me to work saturday and sunday but didn’t pick me up after doing my nine and a half hour shift so if was 9.20 at night i got in having finished work at 8.30. Thats gratitude for putting a roof over his head and lending him money. You mention doing things i haven’t tried but it takes me all my time to go shopping. I start the day with sickly feelings and nerves going round in my stomach. When i have eaten i still feel sick. When i shop and look at food it makes me feel sick so never buy much. My fridge and freezer have never looked so empty as alan used to do the shopping. I am useless. The smell of food also knocks me sick. I feel the world around me is crumbling. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Take care. I wish you well. Janet x

Hello, Janet (our daughter’s name),
Since Stan passed away I feel sick every morning and so unhappy, Stan used to do the shopping too, I have an injured spine( I can’t walk more than a few yards) and I am allergic to daylight and the sun, due to an inherited blood disorder called porphyria, there are other symptoms too, I put my sickness feeling down to this condition as it is one of the symptoms. I am practically housebound. I have been like this since 1995 and my back problems since 1976. Hey ho, ain’t life fun, NOT, all this is one of the reasons why I feel so angry with my sister and ex-sister-in-law, they all know that I lead a very restricted life. Our 4 nephews and nieces are just the same, they have a sister who lives in New Zealand, she does keep in touch, my sister’s 2 daughters are exactly the same and totally ignore me. I am sorry Janet, I have wandered off the topic, take care of yourself,
MaryL x