As some of you may know I lost my darling husband in May and I wasn’t in the country when he died, all I keep thinking is did he suffer as he wasn’t found for a few hours until I realised there was something amiss and called his daughter to go and check on him, I want to think he didn’t suffer but this is driving me mad, I have just this week had to go on anti depressants as my thoughts are so bizarre and I’m really not being able to accept his death, I’m also having awful thoughts of his cremation and his beautiful body being burned, I just feel like I’m going insane and am I alone in my thoughts as I’ve not read any so strange as the one’s I’m having 
hug’s to everyone going through this living nightmare x
I think this is perfectly normal part of grief. It’s easy for one, to look back on your situation with the knowledge you have now and wish things were done differently. You can’t change what happened , nothing you did caused his death and nothing you do will change that fact.
You will never know if he suffered but be at peace that he is not suffering now. If he was aware at the end, I’m sure he’s thoughts would have been about you and worrying for you.
Also the thoughts you have, I’ve had them. I’ve thought about some pretty dark stuff and I think its ok.
We’ve never done this, it’s all a new learning curve and we’re all trying to process a huge loss and all the feelings that come with it, as bizarre as they are. Keep sharing, maybe get writing and put down everything you want to say, good and not so good, get it off your chest and out of your head. Just an idea.
I haven’t had those but different thoughts. My daughter kept imaging my husband under the ground just decaying. It did eventually go. It bothered her for a wile.
I think the death of a loved one reminds us too of our own mortality. I know I question the meaning of life and wonder where does all that energy go.
I do think they are all normal thoughts.
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Thankyou @Ali29 I’m glad you can understand my thoughts as I was beginning to think I was going mad by thinking this way, and yes I’m sure he would have been thinking of my welfare as he was the most loving, kindest person I know, so many happy memories with him, we were one soul in two halves, and to love so deeply our grief is immeasurable, he will always be my husband and me his wife rather than his widow x
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You are absolutely right to always think of yourself as his wife. I hate the word widow. I shall always refer to myself as Mrs and wear my rings, We did not unmarry our loved ones. Love never dies. xx
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