Hi, I lost my partner of 28 years very suddenly exactly 8 weeks ago today (this afternoon in fact, he had a cardiac arrest on a bike ride 3 days prior to his passing which resulted in swelling to his brain due to deprivation of oxygen). Stupidly I thought that after he had had 2 stents fitted, he would come round from his medically induced coma and would be fine although this changed very rapidly.
I am trying my best to carry on but life feels so pointless now that my partner is no longer in it. We did everything together (went away in the campervan, went on cycling holidays together, cycled every Sunday together) and now I feel so lost and lonely and all I keep thinking about is that I won’t ever be able to do these things with him again. We had so many plans for the future but now this has been robbed from me and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this.
I was there just after it happened and keep thinking why didn’t I do more (I had to shout for members of the public to help). At times all I keep seeing when I close my eyes is him lying on the floor in the woods gasping for air. I was useless!
I also keep thinking about the last thing he said to me and the last thing I said to him (he said he had indigestion and wanted to turn back on the bike ride to go home as he didn’t want to go to where we had intended and have a funny do (he also had menieres disease) and I said well that’s why it’s best to go bike riding with others as if anything happens there are other people around to help). Little did I know what was going to happen and possibly him too although I do suspect that he thought something wasn’t right but didn’t want to worry me.
Nothing really seems to be worthwhile anymore and I don’t seem to have the motivation now that I used to have when he was here. I do at times keep thinking that this is all a dream and I will wake up from eventually and everything will be ok and back to how it was.
I am and have been supported by close friends and family but am now finding that they are carrying on with their lives and getting back to normal. Sadly and despite them trying to be there for me I feel that they just don’t get it (i.e. the loss of someone so close to me, the loss of someone just being there when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night, someone to cook for, someone to brew up for, someone to kiss and cuddle and for them to kiss and cuddle you back and most of all the loss of having someone to do all the things you loved with them) and what all of the above really feels like.
The calls, texts and visits seem to be diminishing too somewhat. Only a couple of friends occasionally come round to the house.
People have said “oh you’re young, you can start over again”. In my head I said to myself “what, do you not know how much I loved him, He was my world and I don’t want anyone else”. Others have said, “you need to make a life for yourself now”. Someone else said “you need a distraction”.
My partner was my best friend and soulmate for 28 years and no-one will ever compare to him or take his place. Oh gosh this is so hard because all I want is a life with him in it, I can’t and don’t want to do this alone.
I have had a couple of dreams about him, in the first one he was there but he wouldn’t turn around despite me shouting to him to turn around. I don’t know why or what this means. In the second one, we were going out and he went into the downstairs toilet and never came out. Again I don’t know what this means.
I’m really fearful of the future, am looking at trying to go back to work in the next few days on a phased return but don’t know if it’s too soon.
All I really want is my old life back again. There is so much to sort out in terms of things that he had and I really don’t know where to start. I know it will have to be done at some point but I feel like I will be dis-repecting his memory when I eventually come to do this. At the moment I can’t even bring myself to open his side of the wardrobe or any of his drawers.
The thought of living out the rest of my years (I’m 50) without him is breaking me. I was never prepared for this. I thought we had years and years left and would grow old together.
Is there anyone out there who feels the same or similar??
Donna