Arranging a funeral

I am arranging my mum’s funeral. She passed away in April and it has taken this long. My dad had to go into care at the same time as mum because he has alzheimer’s and she looked after him, he can no longer look after himself and his care needs are not major but are complicated. My heart is broken, it was all so sudden, my dilemma now is whether or not my dad should attend the funeral, he will be totally confused and not understand who’s funeral it is or why he is even there. We will not be able to hug or comfort him. This is tearing me to pieces, they were married for just over 60 years. I don’t think he will even be allowed out to attend but it feels so wrong.
My dad was so clever and active and he is not the dad I once knew, he is gone, as is his memory and understanding of most things.

Hi, I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum. I lost my Mum in October and my Dad is in a care home with dementia so I know the dilemma you find yourself in. We did not even tell Dad about Mums funeral until it was over with even then he didn’t really take it in. This was long before the lockdown and we knew we would spend the day of the funeral looking after Dad rather than paying our respects to Mum and greeting the attendees so decided against him going. I lost my husband 3 weeks after Mum and have not been to see Dad for months as due to the dementia he asks where Mum and Colin are so I have to go through everything again and 2 minutes later he has forgotten which with my present struggle with my own grief I can’t cope with. Like your Dad and Mum mine were married 62 years and were a very happy couple and amazing parents it is just so sad it has ended like this. You need to do what is right for you with regards to the funeral, it is going to be a hard enough day for you without additional pressure or stress, it’s not easy but you will get through it. Sending you a big hug :revolving_hearts:

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Thank you so much for your reply and sharing your experience with me. Dementia is such a cruel illness for the one who has it and for their loved ones. Memories made and shared are a huge part of our legacy when we are older, to have them snatched away is so unfair.
What you said about not having dad at the funeral resonates with me and I know you are right, I think I needed reassurance for such a tough decision, so I am grateful to you.
I can feel your torment and admire your braveness.
One of the pieces of music I have chosen for mum’s service is ‘memories’ by maroon 5. You might like it, it is poignant sweet and simple.
Keep being strong and make good memories to share. Thank you for the hug, everyone who knows me knows that I am a hugger come what may :hugs:

Your choice of music is perfect as ‘memories’ says it all doesn’t it. I know it was written for the band’s manager who died suddenly so comes from a place of understanding. Just a thought but do you think after our parents having such a long and happy marriage maybe the fact our Dads can’t remember anymore they are at least being spared the pain and sense of loss they would otherwise have had to endure had they been compos mentis. I know my Dad would have struggled without Mum and said on many occasions that he would be happy if they could go together. Sadly life is never that accomodating is it.
I will send you another hug from a social distance :revolving_hearts: this time. Don’t want to break the rules :joy:

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It’s amazing, isn’t it, to think that not having memories could avoid the pain of loss and the whole grieving process. I actually can’t imagine how that would be.
With the loss of your lovely mum and then so quickly your amazing husband too, your mind must be in a whirwind, it’s pretty impossible to switch off from that.
I think we have to keep on adjusting. The current pandemic and our adapting to extreme changes, even though it is awful, shows how resilient we can be. What was normal yesterday won’t be normal tomorrow and we will still get by but in a different way.
I’m glad you liked that music, like you said, it’s from the heart.
I like to think that our loved ones still watch out for us when they are gone, even if that’s just a fanciful idea it gives me some comfort.
:revolving_hearts::hugs:

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