My husband died 3 months ago and friends have been very kind but i’m feeling pressure to accept invitations. Especially from friends who are single. I feel one or two have been waiting for me to become available following his death - to do more things with them. Yesterday i was asked by a single friend to go to Spain to visit friends of hers in June. I don’t want to hurt this person, but much as I’m interested in visiting that area one day I can’t think of anything worse than staying with others, having to make conversation be good company etc. . I’m okay doing it for a couple of hours at a meal - can put on the act of being bubbly et cetera but for a long period of the time would be a nightmare.. I can never travel with my husband again - that hursts.. I think I do need to get away however -but the only sort of travel that appeals at the moment is to do it completely alone..
How do I let down my friend without hurting her?
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Morning @Juliedcymru
I am so sorry for your loss , and that you are going through the rollercoaster of grief that none of us wanted to be on. I am 7 and half months in this journey. After my husband died unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest. I am still getting through the it one day at a time. As sad as it is your friend won’t really understand how you are really feeling. You should talk her and tell how you feel. Tell her you are not ready to on holiday. Maybe later on when you are ready you will go on holiday with her then .
Look after yourself 
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Hello - I agree with Sherbet10 - it would be good to talk to your friend and let her know how you are feeling. Unless people are in our situation, they really do not know how it feels. If you explain to her, I am sure she will understand. I totally understand how it would be so hard to spend time with people you don’t know - I would not be able to do that. I am 5 months in, still devastated and taking things day by day. I am going away with a friend for a couple of days. She lost her husband who was a very good friend of my husband’s 15 years ago so we will be able to talk about them both and support each other. But there is a school reunion in a week and although some good friends will be there there will be others that I don’t know very well and I am totally unable to go and make polite conversation. You know what is right for you and you must do what you feel is right. Perhaps suggest you and your friend go away together when you feel ready.
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So sorry for your loss @Juliedcymru. I lost my wife 19 months ago.
I had to deal with a similar problem earlier this year. An old friend of mine asked me to join him and a group of his friends on a boating trip around the West Coast of Scotland for a few days. I told him I really appreciated the offer to include me but this was way outside my comfort zone. I explained that I’m at a point in my grief journey where I’m happy to spend two or three hours in the company of people I know but then I need to be on my own at home for a while to process and meditate. I tried an overnight stay with friends last July and, although it was nice to see them, it was just too much. We talked about my beloved wife, who was also a friend of theirs, for about six hours straight. I managed to keep my composure when I was there but I burst into tears as I drove home. It made me aware that I need to balance social contact with solitude.
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I lost my partner 7 months ago and I’m not coping well. At the 4 months stage a friend asked me to go away for a long weekend in the UK. I just told her the truth, that I’m always thinking about him and going away wouldn’t change things. You don’t have to justify your grief, some people don’t understand unless they’ve lost a much loved partner/spouse.
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Hi @Norma1. I think good friends try their best to help but, as you say, they don’t understand. Some of them think that their advice and gestures will fix you but it’s your heart and soul that have been wounded and no amount of words or good deeds will fix that.
I see you live in Perthshire. I’m in Angus so, I guess we’re neighbours.
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Hi Julie, I am so sorry for your bereavement. I think it is always best to explain exactly how you feel as your friends won’t be able to understand. Until you have felt this pain you can’t understand just how devastating it is. I’m sure that if you tell them how you are trying to cope they won’t take it badly and it will probably make it more comfortable when you make plans with them in the future.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Hi Wilson, I’m actually in Paisley. I’ve never been to Perthshire but I’ve heard it’s a nice part of the country.
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