at a loss

hi yes i have extended my sick note with the GP.
i am confused today as i feel completely numb and i am incapable of motivating myself to do anything, like I have literally done nothing for the past two days, yesterday i bawled for a few hours today i feel nothing at all.
I have been on the Sertraline for three weeks now perhaps it is that kicking in.
Luckily I am in the shop tmrw so have to get up and out.
mums funeral is next Wednesday and I am getting really anxious about it. I have no idea who I am at the moment.

Aww Olive thank goodness you have been to your GP. I am so glad you have.
Ok deep breath now. Just focus on each day Don’t look any further.
I didn’t realise you haven’t held your mum’s funeral yet Oh my goodness me .It’s far too early to go back to work.
You must give yourself time to get through everything.
Don’t even think about going back to work for a few months When your mum’s funeral ?
Have y,ou done everything?
Just focus on you now Olive . Get through the funeral and then try to get stronger in yourself.
It’s such early days and you are trying to do too much. You just can’t do everything so don’t try ok. You are grieving badly and are only human.

Love Deborah x

mums funeral is on the 22nd.
im getting quite anxious about it now.

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Hiya Olive
I understand. It’s something that everyone dreads. I actually felt worse on the days before.bThe build up was difficult vas I had people phoning texting calling and call wanted info. In the end I had to go away for a few days and switch my phone off so that sorted that.
I sent everyone the details of the funeral and it was in the paper so I felt they didn’t need to know anything else as done people were getting a little bit too nosey and personal.
On the day I just followed the undertakers lead and the day passed somehow.
I went to the chapel of rest before the funeral started and spent an hour with mum before we left for the church. I am glad I did that.
The undertaker made sure everything went as planned.
How long are you off work for ?
Take quite a few weeks so you can get stronger.
Love Deborah x

i am off until the week after the funeral atm, not feeling i can ever return but we shall see.

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Hi Olive,
Take as much time off as you can do that you get pay and font need to worry about that. You can go on dick leave for weeks if not months. Don’t give your job up just yet as you may feel stronger in a few months.
I know you feel you can’t ever go back but it’s early days yet.
How are you today? Daft question I know.
Deborah x

thank you for asking, i had a really bad morning it started at 4am and just spiralled out of control, i was panicking and having overwhelming thoughts of guilt , i stomped for 2 miles as fast as i could.
then i wet to open the flower shop and for some reason i cut my arm with the scissors
sounds so stupid and teenage behaviour i don’t know why,
Anyway after a agonisingly long day of thoughts on repeat i have taken to my bed to try and escape my thoughts.
calm now and scrolling aimlessly through the comp.
up early tmrw to do a coastal walk starting at 8am after feeding someones cats .
then off to walk someone else’s dog, trying so hard to keep out of the house and busy. sorry if I have caused you offence, not my intention, i have never done it before .

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Hi Olive,
Of course you haven’t caused me any offence. Please don’t think you have.
I am here for you anytime you want to post.
I had bad times like that in the beginning almost every night when I would wake and felt I was having a panic attack bec I got so upset thinking about mum.
Do you own the flower shop? What a lovely place to work?
I would love to be amongst flowers all day. Just such a wonderful job.
You have had a hell of a day by the sounds of it. Try to get some sleep tonight if you can
Tomorrow sounds busy which is good. You are doing so so well.
Sending big hugs to you
Deborah xxx

thank you no the shop is more of a hobby for old florists, hard to explain, the people who own it are both retired and keep it running for some thing to do.
I have been a florist for about 40 odd years and help out every now and again, its not busy, but it gives them a rest and me a commitment to get me out of bed and talk to people.
I was taking Zopiclone to help me sleep but didt like the thought of taking that and the Sertraline so i hvnt taken it for a few nights now.
hope its sunny with you and you enjoy the weekend.x

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Hiya,
For some reason I can’t sleep tonight so am on here as my go to place.
The flowers shop sounds ideal.
Been quite hot here today and sunny all day. Sat outside for a while this afternoon but it was actually too hot so came in.
Off to make a cuppa. I know I am mad at this time of the morn but otherwise I will start thinking back and get upset so I need to get up to distract myself. I will be wrecked tomorrow.
Will check in on you tom
Love Deborah x

hi sorry you couldn’t sleep, all I see is your devotion and love for your mum there can be no regrets for you.
I’m starting the day with the regret and guilt I should have been there I cannot make it right I don’t know how to function like this, yet I can’t do anything else.

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i scroll through the posts on this site and one other and no one else is guilty of the neglect that i am with my mum .
I was a coward and i did not safeguard her enough, she saw the consultant a month before she fell with my sister and her daughter in mums home and he said she was safe in her own home. she saw the doc and midwife and wound clinic days before her fall and they all discharged her. we were looking into a respite placement or 24/hr care or moving in., all too late she fell as she had an infection, then she died 8 weeks later.
i should have been there since last October thats when she started to get much worse , that when we got the carers in, my sister was in charge of all the medical appts and i sorted the things like the council tax and AA. my sister had been in charge of mums finances or a while ,
mum did not want to go in a home , sister and niece took her to view one but they all came away and mum never wanted to go back.
i offered to take a week off and go over take care of mum so we could sort things out , we agreed to try the carers and time just went on it goes so quick, i was with mum three weekends out of four she was getting worse as is the case with dementia.
i should have been there it all seems so simple and clear now why didnt it then why was it ok …when it clearly wasn’t.
i cant live with this guilt i am too much of a coward to kill myself, i think that has passed last week or the week before it was very rel and i ended up phoning the Samaritains, now the pills have kicked in i really don’t think i will do it but i think i should .how can i be alive and without consequence when i have done so wrong, the worst thing i could possibly do. How can i face people who think i am a good person when i am such a fraud, yes i was going to but was i did i just like the idea and people knowing that i looked after mum on the weekends why didn’t i go so weak so wrong so evil such a bad person doesn’t deserve to live.
but i will and people will placate me and maybe in time i will believe them enough to keep on going may be the therapist i am seeing on the 27th will convince me there is a good reason why i let her down .
i know i my heart the dark truth i cannot live with that maybe that is my punishment for the next 20 years of my life till i die .
sorry

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I think you capture the reality of guilt perfectly - you’ve looked at many other posts and cannot see they have anything to feel guilty about, yet you cannot view your own circumstances through the same eyes. Everyone who has posted about guilt is probably feeling the same - that everyone else is blameless. Thats how guilt and grief work together - your mind wants to find some way, ANY way that it could have controlled the situation to prevent your Mum from dying. But you could not possibly control every element of your mums life and health and im afraid you simply dont know what would have happened. :people_hugging:

Throughout your response youve listed all the positive things you DID do:

-You were looking at respite placement/24 hour care
-You got carers in
-Your sister was in charge of her care (your mums care and welfare was never solely your responsibility)
-You offered to take a week off but you ALL AGREED to try the carers - it wasnt your decision alone
-You were with your mum 3 weekends out of 4

I know that i cannot lift the guilt from you - only you can do that by staring it in the face and telling it to BACK OFF! Even if you DID have a moment of doubt/weakness - the reality is youre human and thats a totally human thing to do. You can beat yourself up forever, or you can try to forgive yourself for having a very human response to a very difficult situation. :heart: I cared for my mum full time the last year of her life. Do you think i was a perfect carer for the whole 24/7? Of course not! I got tired, frustrated, annoyed. And so did mum! I still loved my mum with all my heart and soul, but we are not robots, we are not flawless, and your mum loved you regardless. Whatever you believe you have or havent done, im pretty sure your mum would not want you to be toruturing yourself endlessly and she certainly wouldn’t want you harming yourself - no mum would want to see their child in such pain. :people_hugging:

Its good that youve got access to therapist on 27th but in the meantime if you are still struggling with the impulse to harm yourself please reach out to the helplines or your GP again - you shouldnt have to deal with this on your own :heart:

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there is nothing i can say, thank you for taking the time

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Hi Olive,
I have just read your post and the reply Ally sent you .What a wonderful caring reply she sent. Everything she had written is so so true.
I was mum’s carer also and I still have guilt feelings about no doing enough but I know if you spoke to anyone that knew us I went over and above. But for me I still feel I should have done more.
The feelings you have will ease a little in time. How do I know this ? Well I felt the same as you.And 15 mths on I can see things a little clearer now. That has only happened with time.
I met and am still friends with ladies on here who will tell you I was the same as you.
It was this site that saved mie and there are days that I slip back into the horrible guilt feelings . When it happens I have to distract myself immediately. Not five mins later but immediately Otherwise the feelings get so bad I end up crying literally sobbing all day.
It’s the horrible raw time for you. Your mum’s funeral hasn’t happened yet so you are bound to feel like you do.
I am here for you and I know Ally will be too keep posting on and post as much as you want.
I think you said yest you have a busy day today so let us know how you get on
Will check back later
Deborah x

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thank you so much for posting, i was going to cancel my early morning walk, but i made myself go and do feel better for it. i managed not to vocalise anything i was feeling to the young lady i was walking with. when i got back it was straight to my safe bed, i have to be out again in about an hour or so.
I should have been with mu mum as you were then i would have no regrets and no guilt whatever happened. I do not even want to know this person who let the most important person in their life down. I let her down i let my sister down i should have sorted it out. i couldn’t save her but i could have made what life she had left better and i didnt , i see people looking after their mums and i can hardly bare to be near them.
i cannot look at anything to do with dementia as i got it all so wrong.
what am i. so sorry that’s what i am sorry and not worthy of you kind words.
sorry

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I too have such incredible guilt about what I did or didn’t do for my dad. So many shoulds and ought tos. It’s a little easier now after 6 months and some counselling, but I’m still so very afraid I failed him. That he felt I failed him. And it doesn’t matter what anyone else says, even though they say I did enough and more than enough. I think nothing would feel like we had done enough unless our loved ones were still here with us.

Ally has put it perfectly, we never give ourselves the grace we give others. We demand of ourselves to have complete and godlike control and foreknowledge and berate ourselves when we don’t. Accepting that we are human and forgiving ourselves for it is probably the hardest thing ever. I’m not there yet, I’m still struggling, as are so many of us. You’re not alone. :people_hugging::heart:

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Hi Olive,
Don’t say you are not worthy of kind words because you are. Believe me you are.
The way you write I can tell what a wonderful kind and caring person you are.
Yes I cared for my mum but he’ll I have guilty feelings and loads and loads of regrets. I always will. But I know my mum would be so cross yes cross with me for feeling like this. Your lovely for your mum was enough so concentrate on that
You have done well today going out walking so well done. And you managed to say anything to the person you walked with. That in itself takes a lot of courage. You honestly are doing so well. You are taking small steps each day. Keep going because you will get stronger one day.
I am so happy you are keeping posting. As Ulma has written she also has guilt feelings. I think lots of people on here do. How did you get on when. You went out the second time today?
Don’t forget you are not alone in all this . Post whenever you can
Deborah x

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i have almost got through another day, mums funeral is on Wednesday, I want to see her again, i can’t bare to be there knowing i let her down so badly.
its going to be the final goodbye, how can that be.
thank you for your kind words, i can never forgive myself,

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Thinking of you Ulma x

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