at a loss

i cant imagine that you wonderful people have anything to regret.
I don’t know how I will carry on after mum’s funeral.

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Hi Olive so
Believe me when I say I have regrets. If I started writing them down I would be writing a list a mile long.
The feelings of guilt drag me down a lot but like I said I have to do something to distract myself or remove myself from whatever situation I am in.
I found the build up to the funeral was full on with organising everything. People were texting ,phoning,calling and I dealt with all that . The funeral came and went. Then I noticed what I can only describe is like a quietness. Everything stopped. I had nothing to organise. People didn’t phone to see how I was. Texts stopped. Friends I thought I had and would be there for me afterwards were not. People I met didn’t even talk about mum. So I felt different emotions but mostly cross and angry. I cut a lot of people out of my life as I felt they didn’t care about me. I avoided talking about mum to people as I noticed they were not really interested other than giving me a two second conversation about her then changing the subject.
I knew I had to protect myself from feeling hurt so was selective who I mixed with,where I went t to,who I spoke to when I was out etc
It became a survival game in a way for me not to get hurt. And looking back it worked. I was able to talk about mum to people who really cared. I posted and posted on this site as I knew people on here understood so I could write whatever I wanted 24/7.
I had to sell mum’s house so that then became the focus for me and after keeping it for 15 mths I have recently sold it. I am back feeling lost again as there is nothing now to sort and I have lost my family home.
So I am constantly trying to adapt through the grieving process.
It’s not easy and I don’t have the answers but I have just taken tiny steps since the day mum passed and somehow got to 15 mths.
Love Deborah x


Just read your message and I’m still struggling after losing mum and dad in the same week Christmas 2021.
I just about survive I guess. Suffer from depression and anxiety amongst others. I miss mum the most and the feelings I have are just undescribable. Was with her until the end and it wasn’t nice. I come on here from time to time and I suppose to try and understand that others go through this in the same way I do. :people_hugging::purple_heart:

you cannot imagine how much the posts from yourself an others have helped me, I did actually call the Samaritans one morning and if i had had a plan at that point i would not be here now. That’s not to be dramatic and it has definitely past now, but i am aware that people do not really care and soon tire of someone who cannot cope which is understandable as they have their lives to live and their own problems.
in short THANK YOU it is a life line especially as I am on my own.xx


Lovely words Deborah. I’m still really struggling after losing both mum and dad 5 days apart December 2021. Mum hit the hardest and I was with her until the end. I’ve spiralled into depression and anxiety amongst others and I guess just survive. Also lost my lovely brother in 2018 and I’m just alone. I’ve found that no one really gets how I feel and others just seem to move on when a loved one passes. I do take some solace with comments on here as I then think that there are others out there like me. The feelings I have are just undescribable, it’s very tough.:purple_heart:

It’s a huge accomplishment that we have got through another day! With Wednesday coming up all sorts of emotions will pop up, but you can do it, I’m sure of that. I didn’t think I would be able to either, but somehow we manage, even though it all feels so unreal and will for some time. :heart:

Hi Ulma thank you as always for posting, yes i have to go on Tuesday to mums and make her flowers for the funeral which i will take to the undertakers. i will stay in mums house , i really expect tp walk in and see her there,so it will be tough, my son and his girlfriend will also stay overnight as the funeral is at 11am and they have to travel down from York.
i didn’t accomplish anything today, but i didn’t hurt myself like yesterday,
My shame and guilt is mine to bare I hope I can get through the funeral and day without passing it on to anyone.
maybe i can work towards getting through the day without it consuming me and deal with it privately in the early hours and the evening when i am alone.


We don’t need to accomplish things right now, somone said to me that grief is full-time work and that rang true. Just getting through the hours is good enough. I know how it feels wanting to hurt oneself, the intensity of emotion that has no other outlet. So that you haven’t done so today is an achievement in itself. :heart:

Good to hear your son and his girlfriend will be there to support you. Lean on them and your sister. And post here if things are rough when you are alone. We’ll all be thinking of you.

its these early hours that are tough i awake with the awful reality of it all

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I know Olive. For a split second when you wake it’s almost like events never happened. But then reality dawns and you realise. That feeling is just undescribable. You will do your mum proud on Wednesday. Your body will be almost on auto pilot with everything there is to arrange and you will do it. I don’t know how I did it but I did, with no help from anyone. This site is the only one I found where you realise that there are others that can offer you some comfort and have been through this. We are one big family here.:people_hugging::pray::heavy_heart_exclamation:

yes it hits me the enormity of it and the guilt and the overpowering feeling that i should not be here.

are you working does that bring you any solace?

i tried to go back to work but the guilt was crushing I was so wrong I should never have left mum .

Hi Olive. no I had to give up work last year as I kept on having to take time off. I’m living off my savings but they will run out so I will have to aim to do something. How are you today?

Not doing too well today I had to call the Samaritans (second time ) as I really do not feel that i deserve to be here, poor lady got got both barrels. Although i have self-harmed (sorry not my best day on Sat) myself I do not have a suicide plan so I will be ok.
Well it motivated me enough to tidy up and clean for the first time since I got home three weeks ago.
off to collect a car so i can drive back to mums to do her flowers tmrw and her funeral on Wednesday oh and a sick note as I tried but failed to go back to work last week.
I will find it tough not working to say the least maybe its a good thing for you to aim for even if its just part time.
thank you for asking

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We care very much on here for you. And I know how so very hard this is with your mum’s service on Wednesday. Concentrate on that and doing your mum proud. I know if my mum had seen me like I’ve been she’d be saying to get off my backside and get on and do something! But…it’s not as easy as that. Have you had help with organising for mum?

Hi Wanderers 100,
Yes come in here and post whenever you want to. You are among people who really understand x
Deborah x

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Hi Olive,
Well done on tidying up and getting some cleaning done. That’s a massive step.
How far away from your house is your mum’s house ?
Use the time off work to set small targets to get yourself stronger. But you are doing so much already. Going out is wonderful. Doing things every day is good and you are doing that
How did you get on today?
Deborah x

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mum’s is 120 miles away from my house a good three hours with traffic and country roads, i will set off early.
I was tearful on the the bus but i bumped into one of the young people i support and we had a positive chat about his next step, i then emailed a couple of people to help get it in motion. i collected the car and i am now home so it was ok

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Oh Olive well done .
Take your time driving and as you say set off early. Stop on route to let us know you are ok.

Will message later

Deborah x

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