Hi Angiejo 1 Just to let you know But you probably already know you can have your Ron’s shirts made in to lovely cushions. I have my Ron’s favourite shirts made in to cushions and I love cuddling them at night. Love and hugs to you. Xx. Carol xx
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Dear Jooles
I can see your point perfectly my friend. And I of course don’t mind. I was simply at a very low ebb on that occasion. As I mentioned in an earlier post it was a cathartic release. It was how I felt at the time, a kind of mind scenario acted out in print. I wouldn’t have the courage to take my own life in reality but of course nobody could possibly have known that. And I thank you for your kind concern.
Love and Light
Geoff x
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I’m glad you were not offended. I do get you need a release too. I hope you continue to get it all off your chest and know that someone is always listening.
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I didn’t read your post but the idea of dying has appealed to me many times as I suspect it has to others. By letting out your feelings in what should be a safe space it probably stopped you from doing anything. Sometimes I think
Grief is like a pressure cooker and we need to release the steam valve.
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Every night when I go to bed , I hope I don’t wake up. I lost my husband suddenly a year next month, he went out to work and never came back.
Life is nothing without him, I just trudge through each day existing.
With the first year coming up, I’m struggling, and we need to say how we feel and release that steam valve , without being judged.
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Hi everyone,
I just wanted to clarify our guidelines on mentions of suicide and self-harm. Discussing thoughts and feelings about these issues is allowed (for example, things along the lines of “I don’t want to be here any more” or “I wish I was with him/her”). We understand the importance of having somewhere to express these feelings and get support.
We do take down posts that contain where someone discusses a plan, intention or methods of suicide. This is because we have to consider the well-being of the community as a whole, and the impact on others who might be reading it.
We will do our best to make sure that anyone discussing suicide or self-harm is pointed in the direction of support that they can access in addition to the community.
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Yes, absolutely, you can discuss suicides or murders that have taken place (where it’s relevant) and we do have users here who are bereaved by those causes and will, of course, need to discuss that fact.
The only exception would be if someone went into specific detail about a method of suicide. (The Samaritans advise that news organisations, for example, don’t do this when reporting on suicides, to avoid influencing vulnerable people). But, in those cases, we can normally edit this detail out and leave the main part of the post.
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Dear All
I seem to have inadvertently sturred up a hornets nest with my original post which was never my intention. So from now on I’ll keep my truly private and personal feelings to myself when feeling down. Personally I’ve found in the distant past that counselling only dealt with tertiary issues and despite feeling OK for a short while afterwards never really got to the root cause of the problem. This was in respect of clinical depression which was eventually dealt with very effectively by SSR’s. ( Research on Google) Thats not to imply in any way that counselling for others won’t work. But I need to find a site where like minded people can openly talk to each other about suicidal thoughts that pop in now and again whether with intention or a release of unwanted feelings - BUT without censorship!
Clearly Sue Ryder doesn’t cater for that level of discussion. I’ll still remain on this site but with certain reservations as to its full usefulness.
Love and Light
Geoff x
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I don’t think you have stirred anything up Geoff. Just keep posting and we will keep listening.
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You carry on posting, Geoff. We like hearing what you have to say, and I agree with Jooles that you haven’t stirred up anything. You keep going!
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Dear All
I have found a site I was looking for and its very professionally run. It enables people to openly talk about their dark thoughts whether they just be thoughts or other possible more serious intentions. Looking through the posts and the replies it seems that its more of a sounding board where folk can offload these dark thoughts and read responses from others who have or feel the same. In my long life I’ve unfortunately known two people who’ve taken their own lives, one of them a close colleague in the police. Both many years ago now. Neither ever mentioned how bad their were feeling or their intentions. Both cases came as a complete shock to everyone. My close colleague was the life and soul of the party. Having researched the subject Im of the opinion that people who sound of about a possible intention to end their life are either having a cathartic release - as I was in my original post - or it was a cry for help to those who have had a similar need and a desire to share. May I reiterate that it isn’t my intention to do do anything drastic to myself. Its a shame that posts such as that which I put up arent dealt with openly on forum - at least to a certain level - instead of simply deleting them.
Love and Light
Geoff x
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Dear Geoff,
It’s good that you have found another site on which to explore dark feelings but I hope you feel there is still a place for you on this site. No one knows the back story to any of us who post on here. I am sure that as a policeman you will have seen the best and worst in human beings.
Grief is complex and probably the most misunderstood emotion of all. The reason I have sometimes wished to not wake up is not due solely to the devastation of losing my husband suddenly but partly associated with the inhumanity I experienced when he died. Only my sons and I know all the details. At the moment trying to remember all the good times is overshadowed by distressing images. Not only did I lose the absolute love of my life but the world as a whole suddenly seemed an incredibly hostile place. I have encountered attitudes I would never have believed possible in 21st century Britain. I have been left floundering as to what is the point?
No one knows what you have to deal with in addition to losing your much loved wife. All I can say if it’s cathartic for you to post here, then carry on. We’re all as sad as it’s possible to be. Take care
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Hello Geoff & others,
Of course you should be able to express how you feel on this forum. What is the point of it otherwise? If you feel suicidal , as I have done, you should be able to say so. You should also be allowed to feel that life is pointless, as I regularly do. Although my husband died over a year ago, very suddenly, I still feel the loss acutely and long to see him. I also beat myself up regularly regarding his last two days. I cannot get my stupid denial out of my mind and hope that others don’t do this as I feel I’m destroying myself. People tell me I’m a strong woman but that is far from the case. I have so much self-doubt too and have become indecisive, which I never was before. Grief seems to have changed my personality but I wish I could feel more positive.
Love to everyone,
Patience
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Hi patience I struggle with my mums last days too. My counsellor really helped me put into perspective as the guilt was horrendous.
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Dear Patience
You echo my feelings exactly apart from beating myself up during Annes passing. We were blessed on that score. And being indecisive hits right home. I tend to just drift along in a robotic numbness most of the time
Love and Light
Geoff x
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Hello Geoff999
I do hope that you have started to feel lighter and that you are still a member of this forum. I am sorry but I did not see your earlier post and your feelings are quite understandable. I can understand, in a way, why the SR team deleted your messages, I suppose reading from what I gather the contents of your posts could have tipped someone over the edge if he/she carried out what you were contemplating. Grief is the worst emotion ever and it does drag anybody down, I have experienced this and I am still experiencing the dragged down feeling. There is no point in anyone saying anything to the contrary to you, when someone is so low it is so hard to imagine life getting any easier, all we want is to be with our lost loved one(s). I am not preaching to you, Geoff and if it comes across that I am doing so, then I am very sorry. I do understand how we long to be free of this pain. The world is going through such a horrible time with the COVID - 19 virus, in all my 81 years I have never known anything like it. It adds to our depression and not being able to meet our loved ones (our daughter and son) live 80 miles from where I do in opposite directions and of course this dreadful isolation makes us feel worse.
Take care, stay safe,
Blessings,
MaryL
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Dear Mary
Thank you for your understanding reply. And no you were’nt preaching dear lady. To be honest the only thing that lifts my depression and feelings of acute grief is drinking strong beer: sometimes throughout the day, other times saving it for the evening. I know this will be recognised as a slippery path but I simply don’t care. Our home was once a home because my darling made it so. Since her passing its just a residence that houses just me. I wish I could give you some positive news but I have to be honest as to my feelings. Life is just one ever lasting grind and I’ll be glad to be out of it.
Love and Light
Geoff x
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You are very welcome, Geoff. Many people turn to alcohol for solace, I probably would too if I hadn’t got a blood disorder called porphyria. I was quite disgusted when the consultant who diagnosed me told me that I must never let a drop of alcohol pass my lips. I turned round believing that someone else had come into the room, I can’t even use mouth wash which contains alcohol. for 25 years since I had a drink. 
I was tempted the night on which I found Stan, my husband, of 59 years on our bedroom floor, he had died.
Love and Light to you.
Maryx
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I agree with the post I have been reading , when my husband died the end of May I felt I couldn’t go on and hoped I would die of a broken heart and be with him again, Now nearly 5 months I am glad I didn’t my two girls 46 and 58 and son 42 have been so fantastic and my grand children I have seen the sadness and pain in there faces and if I had gone as well it would have made all there life’s so much harder. I would think 8 out 10 feel like they don’t want to carry on but be brave prey for strength and someone will answer. Keep your chin up Geoff I will be behind you and all at SR xxxxx:kissing_heart:
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Dear @Geoff999, I have read many of your posts on various threads (including the one which was deleted) and there are so many times where your own thoughts and writings mirror my own. The desolation and loneliness you feel after losing your beloved wife, how nothing has any meaning any more, wondering what is the point of going on, how your home is now just a house you occupy alone, how the days are so long, how you have no motivation to do anything. Each and every one of those feelings is so, so familiar to me, and I have an added pressure which I won’t go into here which makes me feel as though I’m living on borrowed time. I hope every night when I go to bed alone that it will be my last and allow me to be back with my wife. My parents are still alive in their mid 90s, and some of their brothers and sisters lived into their 90s too. I’m 64 and I dread that I might live to that age, another 10 years for me would be 5 years more than enough, to be honest. I have no desire to meet another partner (despite my father’s suggestion), I simply want to be back with my wife as soon as I can. Oddly I have found myself crumbling even more the last 2 or 3 weeks compared to a few weeks ago, maybe some of the reality of my situation is starting to sink in. I wish I could be more positive, like some of the strong, resilient people on the site, but I’m sorry, I’m just not in that frame of mind and don’t know if I ever will be. Despite what I’ve said, I do hope things improve for you and I wish you all the very, very best, my friend.
Take care, Alston.
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