At my wits end


I’m sorry ahead of time if I confuse anyone. I’m very confused myself. My partner lost him mom to colon cancer a year ago. He has taken a severe nose dive since. I understand this as I can’t imagine losing my mom. She’s my rock and he was very close with his mom. I love him and I am trying to be as supportive as I can.

So to get into things: We have been together 5 years. Our relationship has been rough. He struggles to keep a job and can be a lot to deal with. Which I believe adds to his stress. However, I get through things with him thanks to patience and trying to be understanding. However, the death kicked things into overdrive. He won’t/can’t work much longer than 1-2 before he either has a meltdown about her at work or his emotions lead to him taking it out on employees. He just plays his game mainly and is combative about every little thing.

We argue at least 1-2 times a day. Usually about the same things we’ve talked about over and over again. When his mom passed away instead of grieving he went through my phone and read all my messages between me and friends. He was upset as I was venting about the constant arguing. Now he hangs it over my head. He blew it way out of proportion and continues to argue (more like yell at me) about it daily.

Anytime his mom comes to his mind he immediately argues/yells at me about something or anything. He blames me for every little thing and blames me for lost time with her. He believes if my relationship with her was better before she passed then he would have had more time with her and I ruined that. To say why our relationship was strained (me and his mom): She was very traditional. Nothing I did was ever to her standard and there was a big blowout about it. But I never kept him away from her and he constantly went over to her home or spent time with her so I’m confused. Before she passed I could no longer afford our home so we had to move in with his mom and were living with them. Our relationship (me and her) got worse but I still never intruded on them being together/near. So I’m thoroughly confused on why I’m being blamed for lost time.

On her birthday, it’s torture. On her death anniversary it way absolutely terrible. Now on Mother’s Day I’m just trying to avoid him but failing.

I…I don’t know what to do. I’m at my wits end. I’m sorry our relationship wasn’t good. I’m sorry I made him lose time with her. I’m sorry I can’t do this right. I’m trying to be supportive. I’m trying to help him through this. I just…can someone just tell me what I’m doing wrong? What can I do? How I can pull him out of this or how I can just stop feeling like I’m walking on eggshells. Anything, anything helps as I don’t want to let him go

Oh I’m so sorry for your situation. I can’t offer any advice but I can say that on this forum, people are here to listen and support you. We’re all grieving and all understand each other

Big hugs

Thank you I really appreciate it. This all just unknown territory and we’re all trying to get through it in some way :heart: I wish you nothing but love and healing

I’m not an expert but on re-reading your post, I can’t help but wonder if perhaps your partner needs counselling or help from his GP. If he won’t maybe you could try for yourself. You shouldn’t be going through this when you’re just trying to support him

Sending hugs to you

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Thank you! I’ll try to urge him to go towards that. I have mentioned it but idk if he is comfortable

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Just hope your partner gets appropriate support Have either of you tried meditation Remember you can’t be a therapist to someone you love get support to help them with their grief Thinking of you