I spent quite a while reading bereavement on the internet over the weekend. (I certainly know how to enjoy myself).
One article resonated, most will probably think it was stating the obvious, but it hadn’t really occurred to me. It was that when you make a commitment to a partner, it is almost inevitable that one of you will die first.
I know it is part of many people’s vows, but you never really think that it will actually happen, at least I didn’t expect it so soon.
The article also pointed out that millions of people have been left alone since humans walked the earth, and they can and do survive their losses.
I have recently started going to a Tai Chi class, most of the people there just happen to be widowed. We go to the pub for a soft drink after the class. I was interested and relieved to see that they all seem happy, or at least content with their lives. I don’t know their stories or situations, or how long ago they lost their partners. But it gives me hope that one day I will be able to survive grief and have a genuine smile on my face.
Also, me being the one left behind spares him the pain of bereavement. He would have coped with all the practical things and sadmin much better than I am doing. But the emotional stuff and loneliness would have brought in to his knees.
Two faces one on outside and other on inside
The grief lump inside recedes bit by bit and loneliness replaces until It may get replaced
Thanks for sharing. Even though it’s obvious it not something I thought about really. Especially the part about millions of people have been left alone since humans walked the earth. It’s so easy to focus on your own grief and it can be all consuming. Glad you enjoyed the tai chi class.
Willow
Do you think it’s because it’s our other half of us, 2 become one, incomplete without the other? So it doesn’t enter our heads that one of us could go before the other. I think to a degree we acknowledge our parents will die before us due to them being a lot older than us. What shocked me as much as everything else about my husband’s passing was we were the same age and that seems inconceivable in my mind. It certainly opened my eyes to my own mortality.
I also spent a lot of time wondering why he went before me and looking at other people I know whose partners had died, it occurred to me the strongest one was left behind. My husband couldn’t have coped with any of this and a male neighbour of mine who’s wife died ironically said she wouldn’t have coped without him. Interesting thought
Good to hear about the Tai Chi class, hope you enjoy it and lovely to get together afterwards
It’s an interesting thought.
My husband survived his first wife, and I think he made a better ‘recovery’ than I did after losing my first husband. She had bowel cancer and knew it was terminal. She must have been a very brave and generous lady because she told him to look for a new love. She was given two years prognosis and that turned out to be correct. He was always happy in the knowledge that he had her consent to move on.
My first husband was a super-fit athlete. He ran competitively and trained every day. He went for his usual run and never came home. The coroner said it was Sudden Adult Death Syndrome. It took me several years to get over the shock, let alone fall in love again. I felt guilty, we never had chance to talk about what would/should happen if one of us was left alone.
My first husband was 7 years older than me. My second husband was 2 years older.
My mum always said that God never gives us more than we can bear.
I am starting to think he made a mistake with me, because this time I sometimes feel in too much pain. The shock of losing two husbands so suddenly has left me wondering what the hell I did wrong. Maybe my silly brain thought that lightning wouldn’t strike twice in the same place.
I also know that watching someone you love die from an illness is equally painful, worse in some ways because I have experienced that with both my parents and sister.
Xx
It’s strange isn’t it how some people get only a few precious years,while others like my wife and I got 55yrs (still not long enough) we discussed it many many years ago,she said I should re-marry whereas she would have a friend with benefits as she couldn’t be bothered breaking a new one in.