Hoping someone can help?
I lost my mum on 11th February this year. She had a positive COVID test, it it was not really the cause of death.
I’m struggling with not being able to say goodbye and feel guilty. She went into hospital in January and despite it being during COVID times we were told we could go and see her; daytime or nighttime, so long as there were no more than two of us and we were in full PPE. She did not have COVID at this point. Unbeknown to us, the ward she was on became a designated COVID recovery ward and they needed to clear the patients. One day, we were told we could not visit and she was being transferred to a nursing home that afternoon. We telephoned the nursing home that afternoon and were told that she was tired and needed time to settle in, which we respected and understood. The following day she tested positive for COVID and no visits were allowed. I didn’t get to see her again before she died. We weren’t allowed to see her afterward as it had to be a sealed coffin. I never told her I loved her or said goodbye. I’ll never know if she was aware no one visited her and that she died alone? I’ll never know if she questioned why she spent her 70th birthday alone or whether she thought no one cared?
Mum’s death and the ‘loss of control’ and the inability to say goodbye has triggered some terribly painful memories. So much so, I have pushed all feelings to one side and placed all of my efforts into helping dad sort things out, been there for everyone else, launched myself into work - anything just so I am so busy I don’t have to think or process or feel. Mum deserved to be remembered and I feel even more guilty that I have opted for a road of self preservation than to accept and process what has happened.
I have been called selfish multiple times and unemotional, asked why I am so ‘cold’? I can’t begin to explain to these people why, because I won’t allow myself to go there. I haven’t cried for mum and she deserves more than I have given her.