Hoping someone can help?
I lost my mum on 11th February this year. She had a positive COVID test, it it was not really the cause of death.
I’m struggling with not being able to say goodbye and feel guilty. She went into hospital in January and despite it being during COVID times we were told we could go and see her; daytime or nighttime, so long as there were no more than two of us and we were in full PPE. She did not have COVID at this point. Unbeknown to us, the ward she was on became a designated COVID recovery ward and they needed to clear the patients. One day, we were told we could not visit and she was being transferred to a nursing home that afternoon. We telephoned the nursing home that afternoon and were told that she was tired and needed time to settle in, which we respected and understood. The following day she tested positive for COVID and no visits were allowed. I didn’t get to see her again before she died. We weren’t allowed to see her afterward as it had to be a sealed coffin. I never told her I loved her or said goodbye. I’ll never know if she was aware no one visited her and that she died alone? I’ll never know if she questioned why she spent her 70th birthday alone or whether she thought no one cared?
Mum’s death and the ‘loss of control’ and the inability to say goodbye has triggered some terribly painful memories. So much so, I have pushed all feelings to one side and placed all of my efforts into helping dad sort things out, been there for everyone else, launched myself into work - anything just so I am so busy I don’t have to think or process or feel. Mum deserved to be remembered and I feel even more guilty that I have opted for a road of self preservation than to accept and process what has happened.
I have been called selfish multiple times and unemotional, asked why I am so ‘cold’? I can’t begin to explain to these people why, because I won’t allow myself to go there. I haven’t cried for mum and she deserves more than I have given her.
Oh my heart goes out to you and the way you are feeling.
So sorry for the loss of your Mother and the horrible circumstances you was forced into. Covid was bad but I think the covid restrictions had equally devastating consequences for the vulnerable and their families. You have so many questions that can’t be answered and I feel for you.
I don’t think you should feel guilty for self-preservation. You do have to work and look after yourself and you’ve a right to do it any way you can. Take care of yourself.
I’ve been called ‘selfish’ in different circumstances and it is a really horrible thing to say to someone. But it’s just that - a horrible thing to say. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone. It is your way of dealing with it. And so be it. Well done you for doing what you need to do. Here’s a big hug (x).
It took me a while to cry. And that’s okay.
x
Hello Clare, Danson has said it all because my heart hurts for you and yes I was called selfish and uncaring because I couldn’t let go when both my father-in-law and then mum-in-law both went within a month of each other. I just got stuck into doing everything that needed to be done but then we went away for a weekend, just the one night but I spent it crying. It has to be allowed out and it’s got the be the right time for you. Ignore what others say, they are not you and only you know how or when it’s right for you.
Please enjoy having your dad there and make him feel special because he is. Take extra care xxx
Thank you for replying and for the hugs (what is really needed right now 
)
It is so hard being everything to everyone.
It’s not getting any better. Feel stuck and a complete failure in dealing with all of this. Can’t keep keeping busy as a mechanism to cope. How do you face your most painful emotions - guilt, guilt and more guilt?
Claire, things will improve, honestly but please try to let go of the guilt because you have nothing to feel guilty about. When life comes to the ultimate end it’s not our or anyone’s else’s decision. Our bodies can only take so much.
I know at present there are long waiting times for counselling but it may help just to know you are on a waiting list. Or if not think of someone who may feel happy about listening to your worries, sometimes it’s the most unlikely person but I do feel you need to let all your feelings out and talking is the only way. Please take time to think it through and get some help if you feel totally stuck, grief is hard and we are hard on ourselves. Blessings and big hugs to you. Sxx
Don’t feel guilty. And it isn’t selfish, it’s self protection/preservation and that is DEFINITELY ok to do. And anyway sweety, sometimes we HAVE to be “selfish” - it’s the only way we can get through things.
In many of us it is instinct to care for others ahead of ourselves, and when we are grieving, sad, unable to cope, it’s so much easier to do that and not look after ourselves. That’s ok, but we will always end up needing some looking after ourselves, whether that’s us doing it or someone else.
Someone has mentioned counselling - and that’s a brilliant thing to do. I don’t know where you are in the country, but try and see if you have a Well-being Service, they have counsellors and some have peer support workers who have lived through stuff themselves.
I’m still avoiding actually concentrating on myself rather than others (I’m the hypocrite who’s tag line is “do as I say don’t do as I do”), and 5 1/2 years after my mum died I’m still terrified of facing my grief. Don’t be like me ffs!
Much love
Cat x