I’ve just realised, actually someone pointed it out to me as I didn’t actually realise I was doing this. I’ve been carrying on almost as normal, occasionally crying mainly over songs on the radio to work. I’ve been thinking that I can’t really remember much from our 30 years together. Now I know I’ve been avoiding thinking about my husband to spare myself the pain of losing him. I know I need to stop avoiding thinking about him but just don’t know how to move forward. Also when visiting his woodland burial site I don’t feel any connection to him, just that it’s a really beautiful peaceful place. Also people avoid talking about him not to upset me.
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I don’t feel any connection but I also feel at peace where he died. I often go and visit and as he was cremated, I’m grateful to have somewhere to go. It’s on the edge of a forest of trees and is very peaceful and maybe that’s why I like it.
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@Ria1
I have only just seen your message so sorry for the late reply.
I think the self preservation has its place but I suspect you may be right that you need to face what has happened head on at some point.
A lovely friend from here sent me a book called Resilient Grieving by Lucy Hone. In it she talks about just that. The mix of time off from grieving by distraction and time spent walking straight into our grief.
I do use music to spark tears if I feel it building up and I need a good sob to relieve the build up.
Not that I need that at the moment as next Monday night will be a big trigger for me. I always chat to a friend over Skype at 8 every Monday. A year ago that 8pm Monday was the last time I saw Richard as he said his usual goodbye as he went out to football. The date is the Tuesday but the Monday 8pm trigger is looming scarily.
I wonder whether you can explain to people who are avoiding mentioning your husband that you’d rather talk about him? It may help them to know what to do as well.
Love to you
Karen xxx
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I’ve been feeling this way too and feel guilty why I’ve stopped crying constantly and my life is pretty much back to normal. However I’m not trying to avoid pain, I’ve just got other stuff going on in my life at the minute. My therapist said it’s normal, you can’t be upset every minute of every day. I have ocd and an anxiety disorder. I think they link, if my grief is bad, I’ll find that my ocd kicks in, I develop a new obsession, therefore I can’t focus on my husband anymore. Once the ocd is under control my grief returns.
It’s a constant battle of different feelings and emotions. At first I tried to fight them, as I wanted to experience what I perceived as normal grief, ( whatever that means) then I realised I don’t have a choice. It’s a process, the less I stopped resisting the better I’m actually starting to feel. We deserve to have periods of normality too, even fun and happiness, without feeling guilt.
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It’s important to remember that we don’t get a choice, we are still here. Very early on I obviously couldn’t enjoy anything but I had the attitude that I wouldn’t enjoy anything ever again, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling anything, other than broken.
Then somehow I got the thought that I didn’t really deserve to be unhappy forever, neither did my kids. So I guess you fake it til you make it.
You do eventually start to feel joy again, I wish someone would have told me that in the early days. I was terrified I’d never climb out of that black hole I was in.
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