Thank you so very much. Every tells me I am strong. I’ve always been strong. I’ve always been in control. I’m a Head of Communications. I have my stuff together.
Only I don’t any more, and that scares me too.
I think my desperation to go back to work was down to control, and trying to reclaim some over my life.
In the last six weeks since Colin suddenly died, I’ve had no control and lost my/our life and future, I don’t even control my own emotions any more.
At least at work I’m in control.
But everyone was right and I failed. I’m exhausted, I can’t stop crying. I can’t cope. It is so hard.
My boss has told me I’m back too soon and should take another two months off, but what the heck am I supposed to do?
I’m alone at home. If I don’t have my husband and I don’t have my work, what do I have to call my own - despair, fear, overwhelm?
I just want to be me again - but my me was so defined by my partnership with Colin. I am so so desperately sad. I wish I could go with him. It feels a better option that a long future of emptiness.
Work have agreed I take an extended break for five weeks in September so I can travel to stay with a friend in New Zealand. They have said I should stay off until after my trip but I have asked to just work half days until then. I need to find me and try and have half a life. I love my job and I am proud of what I do. Colin was immensely proud of my work too. He’d be gutted to think I couldn’t work any more,
Thank you for understanding, Your message, knowing you understand, means so much. I know our personal lives are most important, but work is such an important part of my life too. My work helps people.