18 months since I lost my lovely husband - it would have been our golden wedding in May. Thought I was beginning to improve slightly from the all encompassing grief I had during the first months.
But today the grief and loneliness have hit me like a sledge hammer. Woke up crying and been crying on and off all day. Feel very lonely today too. The house is very quiet. Tried to do a bit of gardening - but felt overwhelmed with it. I’m not physically fit and K did all the outside jobs - I wish I was not such a wimp. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just feeling sorry for myself - but I do miss him so much - it’s agony.
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Hi BarbM you not feeling sorry for your self, your in pain from losing the most important person in your life. Fifty years is a long time, and I’m going to say happy anniversary. I still celebrate ours, it was 44 years this month. I still send my husband a card and put up more solar lights for him in our garden which he loved. We are still married he may not be physically here but every year still counts for me.
Grief is so cruel, we never know from day to day when it is going to crept up on us. Time passing makes no difference to really sad tearful I miss you days.
I have taken to listening to music alot more since my husband died, the house is not so quiet and you can lose yourself in the moment. Being lonely even in a room full of people is something I don’t think I will ever get used to.
You spend years being us, not easy to adjust to just me.
Tackle the garden a small bit at a time so it’s not so daunting, there is no hurry it will still be there tomorrow.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow,
Debbie X
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I am having a bad day today too. Not sure why. Perhaps the sunshine is making it harder. I keep thinking how much we would have enjoyed the weekend in this weather. I have just added to the long letter I am writing to my husband. It might sound silly but it helps me organise my thoughts. Hoping for an easier day tomorrow.
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I do that too, I have journal where I write letters to my husband, tell him everything that’s happening with the family, tell him about work, what’s happening in the street and how much I miss him.
I often imagine he is working away and keeping him up with my news.
Your right it does help.
Love to you all, Debbie X
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Debbie
Thankyou so much for your kind words and support. It does help to feel that I’m not on my own with these feelings. It’s hard for all of us on this site - life is not easy when we are the ones left behind after a lifetime of being with our soulmates.
You’re right - gardening will still be there tomorrow when hopefully I’ll be more up for it.
Barbara x
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Thankyou Sharon - we’ll hope for a better day for both of us tomorrow.
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Hiya barb it’s grieve you lost the most important person in your life it’s so different lv annie x
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Today has been a challenge although I had one break through I had a coffee out on my own….this was a break through but I couldn’t help feeling so sad then cried for hours once I got home. I can’t believe I sat in a coffee shop trying to be normal when my world has fallen apart. It’s been two months since my beloved hubby passed and each day is different one step forward and two back. My stress and anxiety levels are all over the place, paperwork has kept me distracted but things are coming to an end and I need more distractions to help me through this time.
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I am watching old TV programs to distract myself. We used to enjoy watching the different series of Star Trek together. I find this gives me some respite.
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My day has been awful since yesterday, it’s been 13 months since my husband died, but today it just feels like yesterday.
I been crying on and off all day, broke down at work which is unusual as I normally manage to hold it together until I get home. They told me I can take some time off but I’m frightened to as I might not ever want to go back.
I just need someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay, but he’s not here anymore.
I don’t know why I’m feeling this low, thought I was coping better lately. But also a year since my sister died and both our neighbours within a month of my husband. Alot of first anniversaries.
Sarah72, I so pleased you managed your first trip out for coffee, you did it, next time might be easier. It does get harder once the funeral and all the admin is sorted, I remember feeling sort of lost, distractions are definitely needed.
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Oh I’m so sorry you’re feeling like that Debbie. Grief is a total rollercoaster.
Maybe a little time off work will do you good. Maybe you really need a good rest. Grief physically & mentally exhausts us that is for sure.
I retired, and 6 months later my darling succumbed to the evil cancer, but sometimes I still think I’m in sleep deprivation, as during his illness there were many, many nights where neither of us slept. Then, as you know, sleep is evasive after our great loss isn’t it.
I have days where I feel ok and can do things & enjoy them, then other days when I’m almost back at square one.
Ian has been gone for 14 months and in some ways it feels like yesterday, and in others it feels like years.
Look after yourself Debbie, I totally understand you needing that hug, I feel exactly the same.
Take care,
Janey xx
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Hi Janey, I have never felt the need before, but I have booked GP appointment, to see what advise she gives me. I work in a school only 4 weeks to get through until a week off, but I hear what your saying.
I have 20 months until I retire, but always regret not retiring early so I could have at least spent more time with Doug.
I know what you mean about sleep, I used to get up at nights with him the last few months, it’s tiring perhaps we just got used to it.
It horrible isn’t it this fine one minute in pieces the next. sending a virtual hug to you to 
Debbie X X
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It’s OK to cry in your Grief.
It’s the very worst of inner self to deal with and soon you will have cried enough and start to recall the fun times and happy occasions without the tears coming.
Out partners would not want to see us destroyed by their passing but to go on being exactly who/we you are whilst keeping them in your heart as they will be forever.
People Die but LOVE NEVER DOES !
:adhesive_bandage:.
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My feelings also. Everyone thought I was the strong one in our relationship but they were so wrong, he got me through every single hurdle in life. When he told me everything was going to be okay, I believed him because with him by my side I knew it was true and that was all I needed to hear.
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It was my H funeral a year ago today and it feels like yesterday. I don’t know how I’ve managed to get through the year. I’ve cried an ocean. I miss H so much I feel empty inside and lost without him x
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Hello Nel
I know what you mean - but you have got through the year - so well done for that - it will have taken a huge effort. I know everything just feels wrong. It’s like we’ve lost half of ourselves. Been 18months for me - and while some days are slightly easier - I still feel lost and lonely too. It feels such a struggle managing on our own.
I hope you get through the day as best you can - sending a hug
Barbara
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@Sheila26, reading your message has brought on tears, missing those hugs this morning.
Sending everyone a virtual hug we miss them and need them more than ever now. 
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It’s so awful Nel isn’t it?! I have days, weeks even, when I don’t feel too bad, then that emptiness hits and I feel low again. I’m off for a long walk with my friend now, that always helps.
We’ve done more than a year without them now Nel, it’s unbelievable really.
Thinking of all of us.
Lots of love,
Janey xx
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Dear Debbie57
When our children were young they both suffered from febrile convulsions. My husband had suffered the same when he was a child and he got me through each episode and subsequent hospital admission for our children. Each time telling me not to worry and giving me a hug. Now our two grandsons (aged 2 and 1) suffer regularly from the same condition brought on by ear infections. But now there is no husband to get me through any of this and each time I rush round to the house to help our son and his partner, then have to return to an empty house and try to console myself and fail badly. Last month it was the youngest, yesterday it was the oldest. The pain is sometimes all too much and I so desperately need him by my side telling me everything will be ok.
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Dear Shelia 26, it must very frightening, to see your children then grandchildren to have seizures.
When our daughter was two she nearly died from viral infection of the epiglottis. It’s the love and support you give each other that help you get through anything.
No one wants to see a child in pain and I wish I could give you that hug you need now and tell you everything will be alright. I hope those horrible ear infections lessen over time .
Sending love and hugs
Debbie X