I don’t know what it is but I’m really struggling today I just can’t get the picture of my partner having his heart attack out my head and then I keep questioning if I should have done something different to help him. He had said he was feeling awful, twice I asked if I should call an ambulance and twice he refused, should I have done it anyhow? Would the outcome have been different? I’ve been assured by everyone that I had done all I could but still the doubts are here. I had called 111 and they were supposed to be calling back but by the time they did it was too late. I don’t know why this is so bad today but I don’t know what the point of my life is now. I’m existing not living and I really don’t want to live like this
Sorry but I just needed to put my thoughts into words and there is no one to talk to about it
You don’t need to say sorry
That’s what this site is for sharing our thoughts
I so feel for you
My mum was a believer that we were all born with so many heart beats and unfortunately your partners time was up
I too was in the same situation 5 years ago
I found my husband bottom of our starts I started pushing on his heart but he was gone
For well over a year I would think what if I had done this would he be alive
No his time was up
If you can don’t dwell on this chapter
Try and remember the happy times together
I know it’s so hard
But it will make you ill it did me
Your life is different now
What is the purpose without them
You need to live your life for them
So they can enjoy and share it all through your eyes
When you feel down come on this site and share your thoughts
It does help
Take care xx
Thank you @Scottie10 I’m usually coping pretty well but today has not been good. I think that I have just had Covid and have not had any visitors for nearly two weeks has highlighted the loneliness although I did go out with friends yesterday. I don’t know why I can’t get that awful morning out of my head today. I’m going to try to get some sleep now and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day
I know I have got to move on but at times it just seems so pointless
My husband died in August of a heart attack, he wasnt iĺl , didnt have any symptoms. When i found him he had been dead a while CPR was not an option that was obvious the minute I saw him. I still go through preceding days/week/months looking for things i might have missed. I beat my self up for watching tipping point while he was dying in his office Why didnt i go up sooner if id been there i might of saved him. It doesnt matter what anyone says my mind is going to do all that for a long time
@Reluctantred it is so hard not to blame your self. If only is constantly in my head, he had slept late that morning and I had woken him up and asked if he was going to get up, if I had left him to sleep would that have changed things? I know that you it is unlikely, his artery was blocked and I guess he maybe would have just passed in his sleep. Would that have been better for him? So many questions and so few answers 
@Annde sorry you are having a bad day but sharing on here will hopefully help a little. I too have just got over Covid. It really emphasised how alone I am now. No one to moan to or to make me a drink and not speaking to anyone in person for over a week 
. Take care.
Very well said!
Take care x
I’m in a similar situation regarding my husband’s death. He died very suddenly in the garden while cutting the grass. He was gone when I found him, and I also have terrible feelings of guilt, thinking he might still be here if I had cut the grass, and maybe he would have survived if I’d gone out earlier. Just over 3 months ago. Today I’ve had a bad day, starting with kind friends who brought me a selection of tray bakes from an event they’d invited me to but I just couldn’t face it. You might wonder why that was so bad, but they were all his favourites and I could just imagine how much he would have enjoyed them. Then I was on the phone for over an hour to Talk Talk changing the account to my name because the contract is up. He dealt with all these things and I haven’t a clue. Apparently they will be sending me a Talk Talk box (??!!) as part of the package, no idea what to do with it. And then I went to view a very nice property which would be very nice as I get older. I’m not in a position to do anything about it just now as the estate hasn’t been through probate yet, and I certainly wouldn’t feel like making a huge decision like that for a while. But they hardly ever come on the market and I just wanted to see whether it would be an idea for the future. But it was a mistake, because the last time I viewed a property it was with my husband when we purchased the house we’re in, or rather I’m in. I wonder if anyone else feels so unsure and worried about having the responsibility of a house on their own for the first time in their lives. I dread things going wrong with it and not knowing what to do.
And tomorrow is his birthday.
Sorry if I’ve rambled.
@Mist2 you had a horrible day.
I so know what you mean about things round the house, I’ve had water pressure problems and a man came yesterday and wanted to look in the loft. It needed a key, hadn’t a clue. He opened it with a screwdriver in the end.
Also read that it’s better to leave big decisions like moving for at least a year.
Hopefully today will be better.
Thank you @Paddy53
Life is just overwhelming for most of us, I think. The grief of our loss is bad enough but fear and that awful aloneness in trying to deal with things makes it unbearable. . I hate being vulnerable and knowing that I’ll have to keep asking neighbours for help, I have very few family .
Today I’ll take flowers to his resting place and remember all the birthdays we spent together. Mind you, it’s a kind of surreal experience because my own name is already on the headstone lol!
Just realised that might sound very weird. The stonemason guided me regarding the wording and I was in such a daze that I just went with it. However, it shows that he was my beloved husband and completes it for him and whoever survives me won’t have much hassle in completing mine. Sorry to be so morbid, it’s just another thing that you never imagine having to deal with.
@Mist2 so sorry for your loss and for having a bad day! I understand how you must be feeling having to now deal with the unknowns. My husband used to take care of everything around the house and since I lost him 7 months ago I have been ringing around switching all the contracts from his name to mine and that’s not easy. I am completely lost and clueless about all this. One day I called British Gas about my central heating not working and the gasman came quickly just to tell me that it was not turned on - how humiliating! I felt so useless and embarrassed. It’s very challenging to be living alone and be responsible for everything in the house- I am dreading everyday thinking what else will go wrong!
Take care and be strong everyone x
@Angel1309 you are so right, it’s that feeling of being responsible for everything round the house and if something goes wrong, and it does, finding out how to fix it, or finding someone who can.
I hate it. And if someone does come, it’s hard to admit you’re on your own, I think it was @Scarl34 who said that. And a woman on your own too, worrying that they might take advantage of your lack of knowledge.
I have never felt so anxious and vulnerable. I don’t know when our boiler was last serviced, and all I have is a contact number on my husbands phone. I felt so silly leaving a message for him saying I don’t know when it was serviced and does he have any paperwork relating to it. Still waiting for a return phone call. I’m embarrassed to say that my neighbour had to tell me that I need to send in meter readings, I thought people still came to the house to read them. I wish I had paid more attention, but we just had such a comfortable way of working together. I don’t even have much of a clue about the TV, I always left him in charge of the remote control (and he usually fell asleep with it in his hand!)
It’s a steep learning curve, and it’s only now that I realise how comfortable and contented my life was with him.
@Paddy53 yes, exactly and to find someone that you can trust to do a good job is hardest especially these days you hear so much about cowboy workers!
I had my boiler serviced yesterday and I was telling myself not to ever reveal I lived alone, for my own safety I would say my husband was at work or something. Good thing I didn’t have to say anything.
I always look around me when coming in and going out of the house everyday to make sure no one is looking suspicious - so stressful but I have to be careful as you never know!
Take care everyone x
@Mist2 I am totally with you on this! I only found out about the boiler being due for service when I looked at text messages on my husband’s phone and saw a text from British Gas and another from Octopus requesting readings from electric & gas meters. I did not know where the gas meter was and the gas man helped me find it & how to read it.
It’s a learning curve indeed. I was too, contented that he took care of everything and never realised how much I didn’t know until now that I have to do them myself- so stressful not knowing what to do, how to fix and who to ask if things go wrong!
Take care & be strong everyone x
I’m so thankful that I can share these anxieties with people who are in the same situation. My latest debacle today was that the inside of the letterbox came off in my hand and I had a melt down. It just feels like everything is a problem and everything goes wrong. When I calmed down I phoned my brother who patched it up until he can fit another one. It feels like I’ve gone from being someone who has coped with responsibility in my working life to being totally inept and very dependant on help from other people.
I know we’ll all get there, and hopefully there will soon come a time when we’ve dealt with these things for the first time and life will become a little bit less stressful but for now it’s challenging.
Best wishes to all x
I couldn’t agree more - we will get there someday.
Be strong everyone x