My precious partner passed away on Wednesday morning. Does this big hole in my life and emotions ever heal over? Our bedroom is exactly as we left it when the para medics took him to hospital. I changed the sheet and put the duvet back on. But I cannot bring myself to tidy away the medicines, fresh water bottle, glass, stickers from the ECG’s and I really cannot switch off his bedside light because it was the last thing he did for himself. I am sleeping ( or not as it happens) in the bed so I can go through our routines. But this is so difficult. Any ideas, suggestions, encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
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Oh Dee, I am so sorry, but glad you’re here. You should be a complete mess at the moment but I guess as I was, you’re still numb as it’s so recent. I had the 2 month anniversary yesterday, and I’ve touched nothing on ‘her’ side of the bed: her flip flops are still on the floor where she left them. Don’t worry about doing anything other than the absolute essential things - anything else can wait!
You don’t have to move anything if you want them there still - what you want is what matters, not what anyone else thinks! Yes, the hole will lessen but it is not going away anytime soon I’m afraid.
In time you’ll be able to move those things, and switch the light off, but there’s no rush.
I don’t know what encouragement I can give you yet as there’s going to be good, bad and horrible days ahead. But just let things happen, we’ve all been through tears, anger, complete devastation and laughter. We all respond to grief differently so be prepared to just accept how things are. I know I don’t sound really positive, but I’m confident that we will all get through this horrible thing forced on us.
Sending you huge hugs and much love. Marnee xxx
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Take your time, I find comfort in his slippers being there, I sleep with a t shirt of his and his dressing gown.
Please remember we all deal with things in our own way. Find whatever gives you comfort and carry on with that as long as you need to.
I’ll have that t shirt and dressing gown in bed with me for the rest of my life if it brings me comfort.
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Don’t touch a thing.
Dee, I am so very sorry that your husband so recently died. I lost mine 16 weeks ago and know exactly how you feel. Does it ever go away? No. We just learn to live with grief and all its friends: confusion, sleeplessness, numbness, crying, depression, anxiety, lost in a fog, no appetite, intestinal issues, loneliness, fear, change, loss. Horrible group to know.
My advice is to pay the bills, feed yourself nutritious food and make yourself eat, feed the kids and pets, if any and stay hydrated. Everything else can wait.
Live hour to hour. Do not think of the future lost, you will live it in real time and grieve it then, make a list of 5 things you must do each day and check them off when done. It is a visual reminder that you are getting things done, despite the fog.
It doesn’t get easier, we just get used to the loss because it is part of us now and will always be. But, step-by-step, you will emerge from the fog. Just not yet.
The old cliche’ is true, it takes time, and there is absolutely nothing we can do to rush it along. Be patient.
However you chose to handle things is 100% your decision. It was about 10 days before I cleared up the site. I hid it behind an upholstered chair as it was too hard to see.
The idea that company was coming in for the funeral motivated me to clear up some things, then afterwards, I cleaned like a maniac, house, yard, cars - trying to put my life back together and purging the house. Many of us are doing so. Maybe all.
For now, you don’t have to do anything but bills, food, and water.
Much love
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My wife died 8 weeks ago tomorrow morning. The only thing I have move is her dressing gown that came back from the Hospice. All her shoes, boots and coats are still in the utility room where she last left them . She was ill for only a short time and it was only 4 weeks before she died that she was out every day with the dog. I cannot see a time when I will move anything of hers, her books are still on the table. The only thing I have had to move is some of her papers in order that I can sort out all the official stuff. The real pain comes when look in the fridge and see empty space where she would have made sure it was well stocked. I shop and eat but the empty space is such a reminder that I am now alone in this world.
I promised my wife I would take care of the dog and myself, but it is only that promise that has stopped me joining her.
Check out all the options for counselling. This site has helped me tremendously, but 1:1 counselling seems rare and not offered for several months. Group sessions start at the end of the month and there is a bereaved walking group available near by. You have to push for help and make sure that everybody knows that you are struggling. Hiding your pain will only increase it. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
Best wishes
Derek
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