I don’t know why but I have been struggling more since your funeral darling for the past 5 weeks all I do is cry the crying is getting worse the emptiness doesn’t go away feeling lost all the time and so alone its getting harder to get up everyday I do eventually because of our animals every morning I wake up and cry in bed and through out the day when I eventually go to bed I cry myself to sleep I can’t focus on anything or motivate myself my niece texts me regularly to see how I am and is telling me I need to get out more I go out when I need to with my dog cara I don’t want to go out more I feel close to you at home and coming home is so hard now you are not here my life has no purpose anymore I love you pauline with every breath I take and every beat of my heart you are in my every thought every second every day you completed me babe now I’m nothing but an empty shell without you my heart is broken as am I all I want is for it end and be with you that time can’t come soon enough for me but I can’t do anything because of our babies they need me and I need them I couldn’t do it without them my head is such a mess but I will keep trying for you my darling and our babies love you forever my one and only true love xxxxx 5 kisses babe only ever did those for you my beautiful soulmate
Oh Casey, it’s so hard isn’t it? I know exactly what you mean and yes, it gets harder every day because it’s a longer time since we hugged our loved ones. Sending hugs
@Jules4
Yeah it does thanks for the hugs at least here I can say what I feel and not be judged or told don’t let it consume you
Oh, @Casey1,
I feel for you. It might not comfort you to read this, but I was the same for many weeks after Jim died. I was numb, in shock, going through the motions of life like a robot.
Everything you say is true. I remember in the first few months, every time I looked around a room I’d see echoes of love gone.
Now, more than 8 months later, my feelings are changing. I look around and see people who are married, who had everything I once had, and I sometimes see sadness not joy in their eyes.
Our relationship wasn’t perfect - what relationship is - but we realised that and worked together to make it better. And it did get better, for almost all of the time we were together we floated together on a cloud of bliss. Jim had just retired, he was worried because he didn’t have a lot in his pension fund (his unhappy first marriage had cost him dear) - we worked on that and realised that if we pooled our assets and shared the work, we’d be absolutely fine.
We’d had so many problems during our time together - I was diagnosed with late stage cancer, he had problems with his hormones after a benign brain tumour was removed, he was made redundant twice. With hindsight, we spent a lot of money we didn’t need to spend. But we dealt with it all together.
I am beginning to see it differently now. We had nearly 20 years of being in love, of partnership and marriage in the true sense of the word. Many people never have that. They are married, but for whatever reason they aren’t happy. They have cars, money, a home, but they’re not content.
Like you, I have dogs. Our dogs were our family - now they are my family. I am still on this earth, Jim is in Heaven (I believe in God). Our love remains in the memories, the precious mementoes, the friends we made, the things we did.
I’ve had a lot of help - the whole enchilada now, a mental health nurse, a psychiatrist who’s prescribed anti-depressants, a psychologist who will help me deal with the traumas that haunt me, lawyers who are advising me. Most of all, friends. I have a few real friends in this world, but now I know who they are and that they are worth their weight in gold.
Christie xxx
@Casey1 I really feel for you. The early weeks after the funeral are really tough. I know you walk your dog. I haven’t got a dog, but sometimes when things get overwhelming I pop out and do some gardening (although I haven’t got the passion for it I once had) or I go for a walk. I feel my partner more in my house than anywhere else. I like to be at home with him now. My son got me a fairly large canvas and left it in my house while I was at work. I walked into the living room and there was my partner grinning at me. I have put it by the TV so it feels like we are watching programmes together. I talk to him, and when I get home there he is welcoming me with that big grin. Don’t get me wrong I want him with me in person, but the canvas has helped me enormously. It has given me a focus. I had photos but on this canvas his head is nearly life sized so it does feel like he is in the room with me. He just doesn’t say much! It may or may not work for others, but has helped me. Obviously you can’t all have my partner’s photo, you would need your own loved ones picture.
In the first week after Valerie passed I could not look at any of her photos. I just broke down.
Now I have photos of her in every room.
I now enjoy looking at them.
I talk to her when ever I see one of her photos.
I kiss and stroke her photos,
I say good morning and good night and “have wonderful dreams of me”.
Every time I open the fridge I see her photo attached to the fridge door.
It helps.
That’s lovely. I’m only 2 months on. I do like to look at my wonderful husband’s photos but it often makes me cry. The fact that he’s not here to touch is much, much worse though so I will carry on looking at his photos.
So sorry about your wife @LarryVal. I read your profile, and my heart goes out to you. It is early doors for you still. I am 5 months ahead of you. I still struggle most days, but have got to a point where most of the time, with numerous exceptions, I cope in a very haphazard fashion. I hope you have some support around you. Most of us find that support and messages can dwindle away quite quickly which can be hurtful. You will find others on here you can relate to, and even just writing down how you are feeling sometimes helps. Be warned though that sometimes when you do really need help, and write something, others bypass your post completely and start off on a completely different tangent. You can be left feeling “I opened my heart and soul there, and was ignored.” I suppose it shouldn’t feel like a personal slight, but sometimes it does. Very best wishes to you. You have been through trauma and your body and mind need to try and heal as much as they can.
@Christie thankyou I am sorry for your loss I too have mental health issues I have ocd and a border line personality disorder and suffer with depression I have had these all my life and pauline bless her still loved me and accepted me she was my rock she grounded me and kept me calm when I panicked I keep telling myself what would pauline say when I’m struggling I’m waiting to be seen by the mental health team and for grief counselling but my pets give me strength and love I have tried to end my life in the past because of my issues but I won’t dishonour her memory that way so I tell myself I have to keep going I’m not sure if I will be allowed to stay living here as we were moved temporarily while they worked on the old flat because of damp and mould been here 2 years come September I want to stay here at the other flat we took abuse because of our sexuality and our car would get damaged I can’t go back to that
@Wong thankyou again I am sorry for your loss unfortunately the only pictures I have of Pauline are on my phone she hated her picture being took I have 2 that she sent me 2 days before she died I look at her pictures on my phone all the time and talk to her all the time
@LarryVal I am so sorry for your loss I look at paulines pictures and talk to her all the time kiss her before bed each night and in the morning it does help to see her and sometimes it even makes me smile god I used to get so lost in her eyes she was beautiful inside and out my sweet angel god bless her and all our loved ones that we have lost
@Christie I also believe in God and in heaven as did pauline and I believe that she is up in heaven with her mum and dad and my parents and our pets that we lost in the past and that one day we will be reunited with our loved ones
I can only say bless you for believing in yourself, as Pauline helped you to. Explain your feelings about your old flat and hopefully you won’t have to move again.
OCD is bad enough, but a personalist disorder is so very difficult to live with. I know people with that diagnosis and they having a huge struggle to get treatment.
Plain old depression is simple in comparison. I haven’t started the pills yet - apparently they take time to work, so more waiting.
Take care of yourself and your dogs.
Christie xxx
@Christie thankyou yeah it is hard to get treatment and depression is hard to and out pets are beautiful such characters my dog cara is 12 and my cats chip and dale are 3 they all sleep on the bed with me take care stay safe x
Hi Wong,
Yes I too have three or four large canvases around the house, with my husband smiling. It is lovely to see them, and on the other hand so upsetting that it is not actually him here with me. Overall though, I am glad I have them. Take care xxx
I haven’t seen you post today Casey, I hope it is not too bad a day for you.
@Jules4 hi I’m a bit all over the place right now I don’t feel like I’m coping it keeps hitting me that she is gone and its breaking my heart I just want her back just like we all do I miss her so very much I’m just empty without her but I have to live with it well exist like we all do now without them sorry there is just so much going round in my head how are you doing? I hope its not to bad a day for you and thankyou for checking in on me x
I’m finding it hard too so I understand. I have my counselling session now so I’m hoping that will help a bit although the only thing that would really help is having him back with me.
@Jules4 I totally understand and I feel exactly the same good luck with the counselling I hope it goes ok my thoughts are with you sending you hugs x
Thanks Casey, it was what it was. She listens and seems to grasp how I feel but ultimately how can anyone make this any better?