My husband passed away in his sleep just over 2 weeks ago while working away on a cruise ship. He was only meant to be away for 2 weeks and was a week into the trip. As he was abroad everything is taking a long time and we still don’t have a cause of death and are still waiting for repatriation to happen. He was 43 and we have a 16 year old daughter and 12 year old son. I am very lucky to be surrounded by wonderful family and friends who are dealing with all of the admin for me with the repatriation and generally looking after us but the thing I am finding hardest is supporting my children in their grief. I hate them seeing me upset and hate seeing the sadness in their eyes knowing I can’t make it better for them. I look at them and feel so sad for them that they won’t have their dad to see them grow up and I worry about how much this will impact their futures. All I can do is make sure I talk to them lots and hold them tight and encourage them to open up but it’s so hard and I’m so desperately sad for them. My husband and I discussed everything regarding their upbringing, we were a real team and I just want to take this hurt away from them.
It is really hard but I think just talking to them and knowing they can talk to you is what they need.
But also look after yourself! That is a hard lesson but to help them you also need to get all the support you can for yourself.
x
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, @MrsO1. Thank you for reaching out to the community - I hope you find it to be a support to you.
It can be hard supporting children when we’re grieving ourselves. I wanted to share some resources with you which might help.
- Sue Ryder has a guide on supporting a bereaved child which you may find helpful to read
- Child Bereavement UK supports bereaved children, young people and families through grief. They have in-person and online support groups. They also have a free helpline on 0800 02 888 40, or you can email helpline@childbereavementuk.org.
- Winston’s Wish provides grief and bereavement support for children and young people (up to 25) after the death of someone important. They have a helpline that you can call free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays. They also have a live chat feature on their website.
Books can be a good way to help children understand death and grieving. If you search online you can find lots of suggestions. The Book Trust have this list of books for teens that you might want to look at: https://www.booktrust.org.uk/booklists/g/grief-and-loss-teen/
Take good care and keep reaching out,
Seaneen
I’m so sorry for your loss @MrsO1 and the additional stresses you have at this time.
Your children will miss their dad so much at the moment and it’s understandable you are worried about their future.
I have 4 kids - a bit older but 2 still teenagers, it is heartbreaking to see their pain and feel you can’t help them.
But just being there for them is what they need, and for me that is my priority at the moment and likely yours too.
We can’t be both parents but we can share our feelings, be there to support one another when we can and talk about our loss and loved one so he isn’t forgotten.
We can only try our best, and for me that is by managing my grief and suppressing it often, so I can be there for them. It’s not a great plan and one I know I will have to face up to in time, but you should try and do what’s right for you and what works best for them. Use your support network and make sure you look after yourself as you need to keep healthy for them as well as yourself.
I try give myself lots of compassion as this is likely the most difficult time you will ever have in your life. And you may find you all grieve differently and at different times which is so hard to navigate. You can’t take away their pain but you can make it more bearable for them. And it sounds as like you are doing great already - so keep going and just take a day at a time.
Sending lots of strength your way. Xx
Sweetheart, it must be so difficult to be mourning your husband and watching your children mourn their father.
2 weeks in and you must be numb, in shock and robotic. It is awful isn’t it?
Surely, the children are frightened as to their future without a father. Assure them that you are fully capable of taking care of the family and that they have nothing to worry about, you are in charge and they are safe.
Perhaps counseling for the kids is the way to go. Let them talk to someone who won’t burst into tears as they express their pain. Seeing you cry is daggers in their hearts and they worry about you too. They need help or they will find solace in something else which will not be good, even self-destructive behaviors, and it is not in your wheelhouse to manage their psychological issues which arise from such a loss. Let a pro talk to them and help them process in a healthy way.
It’s the best I’ve got. I pray for you and yours. My heart hurts for your kids so much.
May God hold your hand as you walk this painful path, may He guide and protect you and your children and may Peace be upon you all.
Much love your way.
Thank you for your kind words. I have already spoken to their school who will sort counselling for them and have already put support in place as this is something I know that they will need.
I just wish I could take all the pain away for them. It feels so unfair that they have been dealt this hand. Their dad was such a hands on dad, so involved and so proud of them both.
But you are right, I will be there for them and have their backs for always. 100% my priority and they will always know how much their dad loved them.
Hi, I’ve no better advice than what has already been given but I just wanted to reach out as we are in similar positions. My kids are both under 10 and their dad died suddenly at home 4 weeks ago. It’s so hard seeing them going through this but just being there for them is exactly what they need right now. My kids talk about their dad and if we get upset then that’s fine. Reaching out to the school is one of the best things I did, they have been so supportive. We are going to go down the counselling route too when we are all ready. My husband lost his dad when he was in his early 20’s and his brothers were younger so I’ve seen first hand that although it’s hard sometimes, they have all grown up to be happy well rounded individuals. I hate that my kids are now going through this too but I’m just trying to do what’s best for us all and hope it works out. Please try and take time for yourself, sit and watch something easy to follow and slowly go through all the death admin, some things aren’t urgent. Sending big hugs to you all.