My father died of a massive stoke and heart attack after an argument with me. I know that it wasn’t purely down to me. He was massively overweight, had angina (which I only 4 years later found out about…. And was on statins). At the time I was going through a very domestically abusive relationship and was begging for help out of it (which he didn’t want to do - couldn’t do I found out later on - because in spite of being raised in a wealthy family he was broke but never told anyone. ) I was desperate for his help and I argued with him and he died. I donated his organs in ICU. My mother and brother have blamed me ever since. I don’t blame myself but I do miss him and forgive him for numerous things, but I feel I can’t grieve when I’m being held responsible for his death.
Hello @Dino,
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. It sounds as though things are very tough at the moment and you are struggling to deal with your grief.
I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through .
Take care - keep reaching out,
Alex
Hi Dino,
I am so sorry to hear about your predicament after losing your father. It’s extremely hurtful when you are blamed for a death you did not cause whatsoever, even more so when the blame is being apportioned to you by family members. Like you say, you simply cannot grieve as others are not allowing you to.
My Father suffered from two forms of epilepsy for over thirty years until it abruotly curtailed his life at 46 years of age. I tried giving him CPR whilst awaiting for paramedics to arrive but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be.
My Father and I had a volatile relationship; one minute he would be so considerate, helpful, and empathetic; the next he would sulk with me for days on end, with the odd slap around my temple slipped in for good measure.
After his burial, my siblings and Mother’s behaviour towards me changed dramatically in such an austere manner. My siblings blamed me directly for our Father’s death, whilst my Mother turned around to me the once and said the only way I am grieving the loss of my Father is because he is no longer here to give me a sub of money.
I have never received an apology from any of them for what they wrongly and cryelly said to me.
I felt completely isolated and felt so alone., and kept asking myself “Why are they saying such cruel, unfounded things abiut and to me?”
Whilst I had a few friends at the time and that did help matters, I always felt I was a peripheral figure in my social circle, which naturally never helped me emotionally.
I returned to work the day after my Father’s funeral, something I will regret for the rest of my life. However, because of the cruel things that were being said and that I’d been off work on bereavement leave for 10 days, I’d have felt guilty for not returning to work when I did, something which was thrown in my face, so to speak, 6 months after at my-then place of work.
Due to being off on bereavement leave and that my employers operated a first in the door gets first choice of consecutive fortnightly holiday dates to its employees between the start of May to the end of August, I was unable to get 2 consecutive weeks together for my holiday leave. My employer kindly said that due to the exceptional circumstances of my Father’s passing which had a bearing on my ability to get holiday within the company’s timeframe, I could take a week off in September to coincide with my 21st birthday.
Unbeknown to me, there had been a lot of resentment towards me behind the scenes in respect of this matter.
I never knew this until the following January when a colleague angrily said on the shopfloor to me that should never have happened. Naturally I was so taken aback, and reacted to what she had said and explained the reason for the exception to the rule. However, I was made out to be in the wrong for simply having the audacity to react. I arranged a meeting with my boss, over the phone there and then, which was heard by my repugnant colleague. She came over to me to apologise, which I responded to say “Don’t worry about it. What’s said cannot be refuted. I know where I stand. You’ve probably done me a favour”
I had the arranged meeting with the boss soon afterwards and he said you can continue to finish your shift today or take the remainder of the day off. I chose the latter option.
Thankfully, I was offered alternative employment elsewhere within a coupke if days of the meeting, of which I gladly accepted.
25+ years on, whilst there gave been the very occasional “ups”, unfortunately the “downs” far outweigh the good times.
Even after 26 years of my Father’s passing I still feel I am not allowed to grieve and I will forever have the burden of his death on my person for the rest of my life. The perennial isolation and inability to grieve haunts me everyday.