Dear Community, I feel very lost right now. My husband was the bravest, and strongest minded person I have ever met.
He made me laugh even when I did not want to! He astonished others when they found out he was terminally ill with motor neurone disease.
“How come you are still laughing and joking?” said a friend.
“Well, I don’t see any point in being miserable!” He exclaimed.
I added “It is Shakespearean; Life is a Comedy and a Tragedy. That is who we are.”
I guess I knew what the reaction would be when he died… How could someone who was so Alive, be dead?
I find myself in the revolving door of thoughts: [It happened; it is not real; but it is; we knew he was dying; but it is not possible; everyone has to go sometime; I wish I could see him; not yet; but soon; I am too young to be a widow; I feel guilty for being alive; death is not the end; how long before we see each other again?..]
My reaction to stress has been super weird and caused alot of physical issues. I got treated for cancer and have stomach issues and really out of wack sleep patterns.
I distress myself by feeling guilty when I feel sort of okay. And then appallingly regret the thought when I am crying my eyes out at 3am. Getting up looking like a blotchy panda. Craving jellybeans and giving myself a stomach ache. Then wish I never had to eat anything again, ever. 3 hours later decide to make dinner. Fortunately my adult son appreciates my cooking. But I miss making things for him and my beloved Husband. I still make too much and we have the same thing for 3 days.
The turkey crown for Christmas was Way too big… I am in a sprout ban, but they always remind me of my darling Husband so one day I might clear them out of the freezer and donate to my vegetarian friend.
Please don’t judge me. I can only cope with the existential horror of my situation by sliding the gears round in my brain and seeing things the way my Husband could see them. I am at least glad that his defiant positivity is a contagion I cannot be cured of, even while I am crying on the inside.
You speak so well’ Pompom, and I use adjectives reservedly theses days especially sine my personal loss. I am so sorry for your loss and feeling of being lost’. My husband too, was the strongest, bravest most genuine authentic person I have ever met. I am a 56 years old widow but age isn’t any regard. I am sorry to hear you have health issues ongoing too or severe concern. Your feeling guilty by feeling sort of okay’ I get entirely. It is a defence mechanism to keep us from emotionally caving’ to oblivion. My love of my life and best friend cooked me the best Christmas dinners over the years with 12 different foods. I had roast potatoes, broccoli and gravy like it was soup last year with his favourite Paul Smith cardigan over the back of the opposite chair. No judgement here. Horror is the word of our situation, keep that defiant positivity of a contagion’, what a A 1 description ,don’t look to be cured ’ of it.