I am reaching out to find others who have been or are in a similar situation to me. I am finding it difficult to find specialised support for complex feelings of grief after losing my 43 year old husband slowly over the last few years to alcohol addiction. It was seven weeks ago today that we lost him. We had been together for nearly 12 years and married for nearly 7. He passed away after weeks in hospital with a complex mix of alcohol induced problems but ultimately his liver disease and kidney failure took over his body and we sat with him for days in ICU as he gradually lost consciousness and struggled to breath. I was able to tell him while he could still nod and let me know that he could hear; that I loved him and I will always be grateful for this fact. It was bitter sweet as we had been living in separation for 11 months due to his difficult behaviour when drinking and things had been pretty bad. I had to ask him to leave and stay with his mum until he was willing to stop drinking and get help. This put a huge strain on an already unsteady relationship between his mum and I however, I think that living with his drinking and subsequent behaviour in her own home meant that she became slightly more understanding of what we had been going through for the previous few years. While we sat by his bed she kept telling me about how he cried every night and all he wanted was to come home. This made me feel very, very guilty. I still feel very strongly that I am judged for putting myself and my daughter before my husband but in the end I had to do this to ensure I was being a good parent and I truly thought in the beginning that in doing this, my husband would see the light and be compelled to start the process of addressing his addiction head on, sadly that never happened. The alcohol had made my husband into a different person who was not very nice at all most of the time and my daughter and I had to put up with some really awful behaviour. I had not really come to terms with the fact that I had already lost my husband gradually over a period of years and was throwing myself into work and exhausting myself so that I could get through life like a zombie. Now I have awoken into a nightmare, the loss feels too much to bear and watching my 9 year old daughter suffer is the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. The initial shock and numbness was a kind of protection at first although I struggled to sleep and to eat and would have panic attacks before meals as I felt so guilty about being alive when he was not. I got through this with the support of my wonderful grown up children - I have three girls in their twenties. The funeral and the cremation were extremely traumatic and I constantly felt like a fraud; I felt that people would wonder why I was so devastated when we had been apart for months, but adrenaline got me through followed by extreme lows not wanting to get out of bed and crying all of the time. Every tiny reminder of which their are multitudes, set me off. The mundane tasks that we have to do like shopping in a supermarket or brushing my teeth, having a bath all seem pointless and take every effort I have. If I didn’t have a child to look after I would really be in trouble. I guess what I want more than anything is to connect and talk with others who know about all the complexities of living with someone with alcohol addiction; the lies and bad feelings mixed with sadness and loss and then ultimately the shock of losing that person and along with them the hope that you will every be together again and they will be sober. Please do private message if you feel the need. I am trying to find online zoom meetings or even local in person groups to share and support but have not had any luck yet.
Hello @Lisalulu,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling like you are living a nightmare. Please take time to be kind to yourself. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
You might want to check out the AtALoss website. It is a directory of bereavement support, including support groups. If you click this link then select your region, you can see what bereavement support is available in your area.
Also, you may find support at Winston’s Wish - They provide grief and bereavement support for children and young people (up to 25) after the death of someone important. They have a helpline that you can call free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays. They also have a live chat feature on their website. You may find this helpful for your daughter.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hi , know it was some weeks ago you posted.
I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain you are in.
I lost my Dad to alcohol related liver and heart disease 7 months ago. I too am in absolute agony. Not just the loss, the missing him. But the guilt, that I should have could have done more. The tragic pain of knowing he was in so much pain. I too had made distance with my Dad and this is completely haunting me.
As you’ve acknowledged, you are so incredibly lucky to have had the chance to sit with him and say your goodbyes. I can’t bear to imagine how painful that was. But I’d give anything to have been able to have had a goodbye with my Dad.
I have two very young children and feel like I’m only alive and coping because of them. They are getting me through as I mask everything to be a present and nurturing mother to them. But it’s exhausting to bottle it all up all day every day and then deal with immense waves.
Just wanted to send some solidarity. I feel like I just can’t talk to anyone. I have friends who have lost parents but they’ve sat with them and they knew they were going to pass for some time. They’ve said goodbyes and had inheritance. I got trauma and debt. No one understands this pain. I want to keep it close to me also to protect him. He was so ashamed of his addiction and where he was heading. So o feel like I’m dishonouring him even more by talking to others about it. He was an incredible person, and alcohol destroyed him.
The guilt makes it hard to breathe sometimes doesn’t it.
Yes it does. I am always here if you find you need to speak with someone…and I do understand many of the complex waves that will be lapping at your feet, hitting you, overwhelming you at times. I am so sorry that you have lived through this trauma. I completely get what you are saying about masking for your loved ones and them feeling like the only reason to go on. Please do PM me if you feel you can.
Lisa. x
You asked him to move out to protect your daughter from his drinking. That doesn’t mean you stopped loving him or your grief is any less than anyone else’s. Watching him destroy himself must have been heartbreaking. I’m sure there must be others on here who can relate to your circumstances.
Hi LisaLulu
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband because of alcohol. It is very early days for you and I can understand what you are going through as my 65 year old husband died of a heart attack at home in December 2024 also because of alcoholism. I could not even say goodbye as he was gone when I found him on the stairs in a short space of time. There is nothing you could have done more so don’t feel guilty. Al Anon is a organisation which supports families of alcoholics. I went to my local group after my husband passed away and it was drummed into me that there was nothing I could have done to save him. You cannot blame yourself for anything. You did your very best. Please message me if you want to chat. Sending you love and peace. R