Day 6, just beginning, on day 5, I am waiting for the relevant certificates for the ability to sort out informing the many organisations. Yesterday in the morning I had begun numb in mind etc, I called in to the bank, informed them, 6 feet apart ( in confidence). Received 4 months of statements, the wife has looked after the bills payment of this that and t’other, I discovered a £6000 debt on one card £1800, on another, and 2 accounts in her name where regular amounts being paid into. I thought that I had known and trusted her, my 2 daughters knew of these. I am shattered, feel confused, angered by the deceit, 44 years and I feel betrayed. Brother’s have told me to not be rash, makes sense, but, but, but
Oh Colin. I feel so sad for you. I am not surprised you feel shattered and confused. Do we really ever know anyone properly? Yes I agree with your brothers. Don’t make any hasty decisions until you feel calmer. Anger will come and so often can override grief. It’s very difficult to say anything that will help. The bank may be sympathetic and allow you time to sort things out. Give them a try. If you explain what a shock this has been they may help. Try not to allow negative emotions to rule you. The feeling of betrayal mixed with grief will be difficult to cope with, but like all of us here, you will find the strength. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. John.
Hello Colin. As your brother’s say “don’t be rash.” Try to make sense of it all. Talk to your daughters about it. It’s very easy to run up a debt on a card. Your wife perhaps thought she had it under control. She didn’t tell you because maybe ashamed/embarrassed. There could be a number of reasons. It doesn’t alter the fact that you had a loving relationship. Legally, I’m lead to believe, we are not responsible for our late spouse’s debts if they were her/his debts alone, ie not in joint names. So slow down Colin, gather the facts. Take care x
Yes Kate, that’s how I understand it. But if we leave a will and everything goes to the wife/husband then we remain responsible for the debt. I am no lawyer so I could be entirely wrong. Legal advice, however costly, is needed in such a situation. But it’s all so sad. All that on top of grief must be so upsetting. Best wishes.
I was a financial adviser in the housing sector, so my advice is to contact the CAB who should be able to advise on the debts and liability as I agree with Kate, it does not always fall to surviving partner to pay.
I also reflected on how we did our household finances, it was left to me, I was happy enough to do it and my husband, just like you did your wife, trusted me. It worked, and if I had passed before him, he too would have had to look at our financial position. Credit is something we live with now, in fact the more astute you are with your money, the access to credit is much easier.
It’s sad that you now have to sort out your affairs, we all feel we could do without it as we deal with the early days of loss. It looks like your wife did a pretty good job over the years. I’d like to think my husband would have given me credit for same even if he found I had one or two credit cards.
I am not sure how to express the following, I or We had been through debt consolidation before, I hate the feeling that I must have been unapproachable or considered that she could not have shared the truth and need with me. I had failed in some way towards being there, I did appreciate her for everything that she did, and I believe that I showed that, all those from the family have said that she loved me as every bit as I her. Confused and confounded. Not Not able to pin the emotional feelings on the pony.
Day 7, ans a sleep, talking with family friends and this forum has created a new day, and consideration of understanding
One thing I am aware of is up is occasionally now down or swinging in the balance
Yep, Colin, that’s the way it is and it’s like that for a while. But it really is early days and you need to be kind to yourself and take comfort in the wonderful memories. They will be painful but it will get easier. As you will hear, some of us are into the years of loss and from somewhere we found strength. When your down you will always find someone on the site who can who can relate to that.
It’s lovely to see you write about the love you shared with your wife and your lovely daughters who are supporting you.
Early days, early days, we can all relate to them Colin.
Hi Colin
It is so hard to know why people behave as they do. If your daughters knew about the cards they might be able to give a bit more explanation
Why your wife didn’t tell you? Maybe she wanted to spare you of the worry, maybe she was embarrassed by the debt, maybe she thought the cards could be paid without problems.
It is not because you are unapproachable ( you seem not to be) - talk to your daughters
And remember your wife may have hidden all this out of love
Sadie x
Tonight driving to work, (9-9), smooth radio was on, I left it on the local bbc station for traffic reports. As I listened the first we would have smoothly climbed into each other’s arm, and Danced. Often at the impulse at the side of a road during a trip.
Then “where do brokens hearts go, find their way home to find the love that’s waiting there” etc.
First someone left a pool of water in, salted tears as I traveled, several others followed, it’s later as I reflected the words or our choices, the lass had let me know etc, finally the song from Simpson and Simpson “solid as a rock”, following sorry is the hardest word to say", our penultimate movie Rocketman.
SadSadie, like Sanw, I offer the virtual hug, squeeze etc. Nights are long, well longer at the moment, hence nightworker widower for a general chat.
This gives us all, the option and opportunity to reach out