Bereavement as PTSD

Hello and thank you to everyone who has put their thoughts here. I can identify a lot with what is being said, which helps me to have the courage to express myself.
I am 59 and lost my mother when I was 15 in 1976. She died of a third brain haemorrhage aged 48. I lost my farther at the start of 1981 when I was 19. He died of a pickled liver and a broken heart aged 52.
I won’t go into any great detail of the events as I’m very sure people here can Identify and imagine quite easily the sort of things that went on. And how it affected myself and my brother.
At the time and in the following few years neither myself or my brother were given opportunities to talk or express ourselves. Consequently my brother took to drugs and eventually suffered a psychotic breakdown and spent time in psychiatric hospital. As did Dad after mum died. I became very angry and have gone on to suffer with depression and anxiety disorders. I have been in and out of therapy most of my adult life. I have been seeing my current therapist for 8 years. My bother is now married and I have two wonderful grown up nephews. However, a long time ago my brother ‘ran away’ travelling and ended up settling in Brazil, so don’t see him or extended family much. This was before dad died and I stayed at home to look after him.
Over the years I have met people I’d like to ‘settle down’ with, but have always had problems forming relationships. My bereavement feelings are still very close to the surface even after all these years and when I meet someone I can tend to overwhelm them with emotion and ‘scare’ them. Generally though the people I’ve met (and there haven’t been many) are caring and want to understand, it just that they can’t and I recognise it’s not their fault. However, it can create a gulf the size of the Atlantic. I’m sure people reading this know what I’m talking about. I feel that my bereavement trauma has over the years become a PTSD - can anyone here identify with that?
As I said, my feeling can be close to the surface and have found through therapy that I need to dilute my feelings. I live alone and have no real family around me to help dilute them - another reason for coming here.
Any thoughts or observations are most welcome. Thanks for reading.

Hi Peter, your story is so tragic, it makes me immensely sad that you did not get to receive the love that most of us get from our parents in our adulthood.

There are some online tests which you can do which can tell you whether you might have PTSD, but I think it would be best to see your GP and ask him or her to refer you to a specialist so you can get a proper diagnosis.

I am almost 20 years younger than you, my brilliant dad died in April and I am devastated, I would like to get married and have kids but I wouldn’t like to have kids after my mid 40s, so I have a few years in which to do all this, and it is stressful, because the grief of my dad will probably affect me a lot in the next few years and I am afraid that like you, it might stop me in my relationships, as for you, I really hope you manage to find someone to settle down with because you deserve this.

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Thanks very much for your kind message and thoughts mate. It’s good to know someone out there cares and appreciates what it’s like. Hoping you find someone understanding.
Cheers mate, Peter

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There are lots of people here who would care about you, Peter. You have had a difficult life, and seem to have missed out on quite a bit relationship wise because of the tragedies that happened in your life, but I sincerely hope you’re able to find that special person that you could end up spending the next 20 years of your life with. Hopefully other people here will read your post and be able to offer their views too.

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Thank you mate. I hope the same for you too. I’m really sorry to hear about the loss of your dad - I can certainly identify with what you’re going through.
Are you able to point me in the direction of the online PTSD tests you mention?
You have my support mate.

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Hi mate, thanks for your very kind words.

There are different variations of PTSD Tests availabla online, the one that is most comprehensive is PCL-5 (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Checklist), it has 20 questions and you can take the test here.

Once you get your results it might be a good idea to then take them to your GP to discuss further because these sites clearly state these tests are not a substitute for a diagnosis from a medical professional, they just indicate whether or not you might have PTSD and then you should go to your GP and ask to speak to a professional.

All the best.

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Thank you mate. I’ll have a look and let you know how I find them/get on.
I hope we can stay in touch?
Cheers, Peter.

Of course. This place is all about helping one another, and hopefully others will read your post and reply too, this place can be a bit hit and miss at times, please do not take it personally if you have not had many people reply to you.

Great, thanks Abdullah.

Hi Abdullah,
I have just done the PTSD test - I scored 50 - so I think I should be talking this over with my GP.
Thanks for sending the link.

Hi Peter, sorry to hear that you probably have PTSD, but at least you could finally have a diagnosis and get some treatment, it would definitely be a good idea to go to your GP and speak to them about this and make sure you do get a referral.

Thank you mate - will keep you informed as to how I get on. Will call my surgery tomorrow morning and arrange an appointment.