My partner of 25yrs recently passed away after 4yrs of me caring for her whilst she suffered from dementia and motor neurone. At the moment I still feel really burnt out after putting my heart and soul into caring for her and our 2 boys, whilst still working full time…the problem i have is that i am a believer in true love and would normally just accept that i had my one great love and that was that…however my partner didnt treat me well before she was ill, being alcoholic and having an affair…its making it hard for me to know how to grieve, how to move on, what to make of our relationship…especially as we had already grieved for our loss in anticaption of what has happened…
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Hi Grrth,
I am so sorry for your loss.
For now I would just try to rest and look after your own wellbeing band your children’s wellbeing. That is more than enough. You need to try to heal after caring for your wife and put yourself first now.
Try not to look back on the past right now. You can analyse things over and over when you feel stronger but for now focus on yourself and your children.
Eat, rest and get each other through the immediate trauma of your wife’s passing. Spend time with the children as they need to share how they are feeling with you.
Take time off work if you can so you can recover from the burnout you are feeling. Take all the help you can from other people and speak to your GP if you feel you need more help.
You have done all you can for your wife . Now it’s time for you and your children to heal
Deborah
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Grief can be so complicated w/ a variety of emotions that come and go like a wave. I think it’s normal to go over these things in your mind. Eventually, you will sort it out. I would focus on just essentials right now. Sorry for your loss.
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I think im mainly wondering if anyone else in the community has been in a sikilar circumstance?
Hi Grrth,
My life with my husband wasn’t like yours but my problem with him was he wouldn’t take about anything personal. After having a heart attack in 2005 he kept his distance from me. Our last love making was in 2006. As he wouldn’t talk about it I assumed he didn’t love me any more. I asked him about it 5-6 years later and he said he didn’t enjoy it anymore. Since losing him in 2024 I have found our that if we had made love he may have dropped dead. He died of heart, lung and kidney failure. I wish he could have told me. It wasn’t that he didn’t show affection or care just that he didn’t touch me like he used to. I don’t know if it helps you but if you love her, like I loved my husband over the 50 years together, I found forgiving him helped me the most. I was his carer for his last 3 years and was with him alone when he passed away.
Thinking of you and hope you find peace.
Bee23 x
Grrth, l’m sorry about the loss of your partner and so sorry for the terrible pain you’re in. I loved my husband dearly w’ed been married a long time. The last few years of his life he was caring and nice towards me, but there so many times he treated me so badly, I was stuck as wanted so many times to go, but I loved him so I just kept quiet if I said anything he didn’t like he flew into a terrible rage. My heart was shattered when he passed away. A few weeks after the funeral I was so angry with myself for putting up with what I did, and it made me feel pathetic and worthless. I’m all alone, family are so far away. I’m trying my hardest to move on and think about myself for the first time in all these years, it hasn’t been easy, but I’ll get there. Meanwhile, look after your boys and yourself but importantly start to love yourself. It’s baby steps. After everything I wish my husband was still here. Sending you a hug.
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thanks both for your kind replies…i think thats what i find difficult…how do i grieve something that hadnt been good for a while…the boys wanting to eulogise their mum and me hurting because of how much she hurt myself and the boys…we were advised before she got ill that the alcohol issues were becoming a bit of a safeguarding issue, so its so hard to fathom how to feel…
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So sorry to hear of your loss.
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Grrth
Please try to look after yourself and your boys. You all need time to grieve for your loss.
Kate
I know it is hard to deal with how things are but remember we grief for the hard times as much as the good times, maybe more. I don’t know how old your boys are but, for them, it is still their mum.
My son in law, a lovely man, was abused and ostracised by his dad and it was accepted by his mum. He has lost them both now and he still struggles. Me, `i was glad to see my abuser in the ground, I was only 5 years old. Grief is a weird thing, it defies everything that you would think rationally. My advise for what it is worth, if it makes you angry and run with it, if it makes you cry then run with that as well. We have to accept how we feel one day at a time.
I have just heard my brother is back in hospital within a day of going home. It has tipped my back to losing my husband 14 months ago. I am a wreck but I am running with it to see where it leads. Perhaps another step forward.
Hope it helps.
Kind regards,
Bee23
thanks for your really kind thoughts and message…you right regarding the boys, she is still their mum even though she didnt treat them well at times either…i was advised that she needed to leave our home due to safeguarding concerns but i couldnt do that as i knew it would break her heart and my kids…at the moment im just angry that i had to protect everyone, whilst noone was protecting me…
sorry to hear you also going through a really tough time, it definitely doesnt sound easy…you always think that when someone dies you will only have to cope with the grief, forgetting that sometimes things were already very messy…
I am sorry no-one was protecting you. You have all of us now, we will watch your back.
King regards,
Bee23