Hi, I wondered if anyone could offer some advice please.
I lost my mums few weeks ago in May. She had paranoid schizophrenia and was admitted to a main stay hospital be cause my dad couldn’t cope and was exhausted with looking after her. She had behaviours every day and was delusional and had hallucinations on a daily basis for many years.
Three days after admission, she passed away, suddenly. My dad didn’t want a post mortem and we managed to avoid it due to her age, although it was stressful as it originally went to coroners.
A week later dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He is in the final stages, which is heartbreaking to watch. I think I may have 2 weeks left with him at a push. He has refused invasive tests and so again I do not what what type of cancer it is etc. He wants to die at home
Over the last few weeks I’ve had 4 days off work for my mums bereavement, a day off for her funeral. I’ve also had 2 days leave for my dad and other odd hours out for caring, where I have said I will make the time up. Work have been accommodating, but I’m now faced with death again in such a short amount of time. I will be losing two parents and not knowing exactly what has caused them to pass and I am the type of person who needs to know things like this for my own sanity.
I’ve read that usually bereavement leave is 3-5days off work, which I think is disgusting when losing a parent.
My concern is I don’t think I will be ready to go back after that. I haven’t been able to grieve for my mum as my dad became ill straight after her death. I feel quite strong in respect of my mums passing but I think it’s because she was so mentally unwell - it took a toll on everyone. But my dad is different and I’m struggling already.
What are people’s experience of how much time they had off work when parents have died please? I’m wondering if it would be unreasonable to have two weeks off?
My goodness, you shouldn’t be having to worry about work at a time like this. I’m so very sorry for this devastating situation you find yourself in. Any employer would have to be very hard hearted not to realise that you need time off. When my Mum died suddenly in January I had a week of compassionate leave as policy, then I went to the doctor and was given two consecutive ‘fit notes’ for ‘bereavement stress’ for a further four weeks. I found that I needed this time off, and even then when I went back my heart wasn’t really in it for a good few weeks. I know it’s hard to predict how you’ll feel but please put yourself first, you need time to process everything. Plus there’s so much to do in terms of admin and organisation. Best wishes to you xx
Many thanks for your reply. My cat is ill now as well. May be an emergency trip to the vets tomorrow, so more time off work! Gosh if I lose him as well, I don’t know how I’m going to cope.
Hi, you’re clearly going through an absolutely horrendous time and you need to prioritise yourself over your employers. They’ll cope, they always do. Don’t feel any guilt whatsoever about getting signed off. Doctors will sign you off for as long as you need, and employers will just have to accept it. I was off for 7 weeks after I lost my dad at the start of this year, and when I went back I did a phased return. The last thing we need at the worst time of our lives is to be worrying about work. Just take the time you need and don’t rush back - nobody will thank you for it and you might end up needing more time off further down the line if you go back too soon.
My husband died suddenly in January. I got paid one days bereavement pay from my employer. Don’t get sick pay so then had to wait a few days to get statutory pay. I went back to work part time after 5 weeks but this was for my sanity as going mad at home. My employer eventually got me a week’s bereavement pay by badgering hr. I have emailed many MPs but they don’t seem to think it’s disgusting that it is up to the employer. When a baby is born you can get weeks off but when someone close dies it’s up to the employer. There should be a law that gives grieving people at least a week or more. No one can be ready even then. My thoughts are with you. x
My husband became ill quickly and died all within 12 days. Macmillan told me to get a doctors note. I got one for compassionate and then one for bereavement. I was off 7 weeks in all. I was paid only statutory sick pay. £109 a week. Losing £240 a week. So had to go back to work. Was allowed staggered return but wouldn’t get paid for the hours I wasn’t there. So went back full time. I was paid 2 full days pay as is required by law.
In a way I’m lucky because our sick pay has just changed from 3 days paid sick to two weeks, but after that it’s discretionary. I have got some savings but I just think it’s bad when you only get a few days compassionate leave. Seriously how do people cope?! I was wondering whether I was being unreasonable with thinking I will need more time, but you have made me feel better about it. I work for a small company so I feel compelled to have to go back. To be honest I haven’t been able to fully put my heart and soul into my job since my mum passed anyway, so I’m not working to full capacity, hut I guess they feel some work is better than none. Part of me just feels really guilty if I’m gonna have to take more time off.
It’s really bizarre to me that it’s discretion of the company. My company have been wonderful, they gave me 2 weeks compassionate leave and made it very clear that there was no pressure from them & have been supportive in my return to work. My brother was given 2 days I cant recover from a hangover in 2 days! Unfortunately the crem had a back log so it was 2 1/2 weeks before we could have her funeral & this climate he couldn’t afford to stay off. It really saddens me that people are forced back into work in one of their most vulnerable states of mind
There should be a new law that all firms pay at least a weeks bereavement pay. No one can go back quickly but are forced to so they get paid. It’s disgusting really. It’s difficult enough without the stress of work.
I cant recover from a hangover in 2 days! Unfortunately the crem had a back log so it was 2 1/2 weeks before we could have her funeral & this climate he couldn’t afford to stay off. It really saddens me that people are forced back into work in one of their most vulnerable states of mind