First time posting
I’m 31 and have one child who is almost 2. My mother was admitted to hospital in august and passed a week ago in hospital at age 70
I have grieved since very quickly into her admission as doctors warned me and my father that she was unlikely to make it. I cried most nights and I think Almost came to accept the outcome. I don’t have many regrets with my mum we had a great relationship and talked many times about meeting each other on the other side and that she’d wait for me. It was the last questions I asked her when all she could do was nod, will you wait for me wherever you go, and she nodded. This gives me some peace as we had such a close bond and I don’t think that disappears after death.
I had been waiting for weeks on a call telling me the worst, then when it happened I wasn’t prepared as I thought I was, and spent 4 days unable to eat or do much other than think of her and what had happened.
Over the last couple of days I’ve been getting up and taking my daughter out, planning her funeral and spending alot of time with my dad. I’m not feeling as negative and feel I’ve had signs from her already that she is indeed okay wherever she is just now.
I feel a bit guilty for not being so upset right now. Am I beginning to accept this? I think I might be as I had 7 weeks of visiting her and seeing her condition get worse, she had irreparable lung damage. People keep telling me I won’t grieve til after the funeral and I keep wanting to tell them I’ve experienced anticipatory grief and no one knew or really cared as they weren’t visiting and seeing what was happening. They tell me it will hit me later and I’ve said it hit me almost 2 months ago.
Do you think it’s true my grief will come back/get worse after her funeral? I’m not treating her funeral as a way to say goodbye I always told her it’s see you later never goodbye. I am feeling quite strong but now nervous I’m going to go to her funeral next week and be grief stricken all over again.
I chose the tag coping with guilt as I currently feel guilty for not being as sad as I was anymore.
Are holidays always going to be difficult now? And does grief come in waves? Is it normal for me to have a few good days and then I might have some bad ones again? I’ve never experienced any huge loss before.
I’ve bought a journal to write to her in too.
sorry this is rather long and over the place but, is it normal to have some days when you’re okay, even good days, then bad days to come back? Should I feel guilty for feeling good today?
Will holidays always be hard, and is there any point you do actually move on and look back on your mother and smile and not feel upset?
Hi Amy, I’m so sorry you’ve lost your Mum. I was reading your post and I have a lot of the same feelings.
My Mum was in and out of hospital over the last month, home for a few hours or days then another ambulance, so like you I think I might have started anticipatory grief. Even if just to cope with the scary situation. Last week the doctors said Mum was doing well and should be able to go home soon so the call last Saturday was so unexpected. In a few hours it will have been a week without my beautiful Mum. I’m replaying finding out quite a lot.
Celebrating my Mum in a couple of weeks, planning is bringing waves of uncontrollable tears. Trying to make her proud though.
My fear is that it hasn’t sunk in, I feel like I accept it. I don’t like it but I understand what has happened. Mornings are really difficult and I cry so much before getting up to start the day. I feel I’m not doing it right though, I keep googling the stages and reading up on grief. But, actually writing out my feelings just now, I can feel this anxious, painful feeling in my tummy and chest. For the first few days I felt like my chest was physically shaking inside.
Like you, don’t know what to expect and feel so lost. Stumbled across this community last night.
How are you sleeping? I’m waking about 1, 3 then 5. In the evenings I’m so tired I fall asleep watching tv after dinner. I read in other feeds some people talking about melatonin to help them sleep, I was only offered some fairly strong sleeping pills, pharmacist warned me they are addictive to I’ve not taken any.
Thinking of you.
Thank you for replying and I am so sorry to hear about your mum too. We must have lost them around similar times, mines left us the Thursday before last. Thursday night was really difficult around the time she went, as you said I keep replaying that night.
Similar to you too there actually was a point in my mums hospital stay where they said she could go home, we were elated and she seemed a lot better for about 3 or 4 days before getting worse than before. The entire hospital stay was an ordeal on all of us. In the end my mum could barely keep her eyes open or breathe without non invasive ventilation. Perhaps apart of us will shut down a bit to try and help us process the trauma? It was very traumatic for me to see her in that state and I think I am unconsciously putting up walls in my mind to try and cope with things.
I hope you have a lot of family with you at your mums funeral, I have been planning it too and choosing the photos for her order of service I found particularly distressing, she didn’t have alot of photos of herself so I had to sift through family photo albums and it’s just not the time to do that after a huge loss like this.
Sleep wise I have been struggling too, never been a great sleeper. With having a toddler I’m woken up bright and early and have to get up and start the day. For the first few days I cried uncontrollably and I think I was confusing my daughter. Now I find mornings not so bad but night times are not good for me, everyone asleep and feeling very alone. Maybe we should take it as a time to talk to our mums? I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I don’t think your mum will leave you or go very far. My daughter sat bolt up right in bed and said bye to her gran after she passed, and we’ve had some other signs. I believe if they can their spirit will stay close or at least check in when they can. Talking to her even out loud might help - my cousin told me she’d go walks and speak to her mum and just pretend she was on the phone. I’ve also bought a journal to write to her in when I want to.
I hope you’re okay and if you write back I will reply again. I think there is comfort in knowing that this affects so many of us and we are not alone. Thinking of you.
Thank you for replying. I felt a wave of emotion reading your reply. It must have been so traumatic for you, I found it so difficult seeing Mum get more down with another hospital admission. After her first admission she caught Covid in hospital, then pneumonia, then she developed pulmonary edema. She was so weak the last time I saw her in this life. I’m immensely proud of my Mum, she fought so hard and will always be my inspiration.
My beliefs have been shaken, thank you for saying she isn’t far. I know my Mum is at peace but it’s little comfort when I’m hurting, Mum will always be my best friend. We hung out all the time, talked on the phone loads so I’ve been talking to her if I sit outside or go for a walk. Even if it’s just to say hi. My dog keeps looking for her.
You see everyone else, and I’m looking at people wondering if they’ve grieved before and how are the looking so happy. I feel like I’ve been hollowed out.
I’m so sorry I haven’t replied until now I read your message earlier but been busy with my daughter all day.
I totally understand my belief is shaken some times too, I’ll think I’ve had a sign and then a sinking feeling overtakes me and I think what if this is it, what if we never see each other again? What if she’s reincarnated somewhere else, or when it’s done it’s just over and we don’t exist anymore? However I will remind myself I’ve no doubt that if my mum can stay by me, she would. And with my daughter saying goodbye to her that night, she’s never done that before, it just tells me she was here. I believe your mum would stay with you too, yous sound so close, don’t let that go. We will make new memories with others but hold our mothers in our hearts. I know it’s not the same, and we will probably never feel the same ever again. But just know you’re not alone and I do believe when it’s our turn to go we’ll see our mothers waiting to walk us to the other side. That’s not a reason to wish our lives away though, we need to make them proud while we are here.
I found it difficult too, my mum caught covid in hospital too but they assured me her condition wouldn’t have improved even if she didn’t catch it and I believe them, her lungs were just not working as they should. But it makes me sad that people go to hospital to get better and catch covid. Our mothers did fight hard to be here with us even just a little longer. I bet your mum wishes she could give you a big hug and tell you not to cry. In time I believe we will get stronger we won’t forget them but we will be strong and smile again.
This is what I wonder also… so many people have been through what we have yet no one talks about it and no one seems to be affected in their daily lives. It’s a shame that death isn’t more openly discussed as it’s a fate that we all meet and being able to speak about it can help. I spoke to alot of my colleagues about it, some who’ve been through it and some who haven’t and all were understanding and listened to me. It really helped me to have others listen to me. I know counselling wait lists can be long and I’m not suggesting we do that but I hope you have some friends and a good support system around you. And you can always message me sometimes it is easier to write it down.
I hope you’re right, I think I’ve seen signs too.
I think over would it have been better to have had time to prepare, I knew my Mum wasn’t well and she kept getting another complication but she fought it off. I guess either no one told Mum or if they did she didn’t tell us. She wasn’t well the night before when I visited but I didn’t think the next morning she would be passing.
I know, are all these people wearing masks or have they gone through healing? Where I am now, I want to be healed because I made a promise to Mum that I’d be strong.
You’re right, my Mum would! Anytime I was upset she was right there to cheer me up. We were really close. Sounds like you and your Mum were too. It’s so beautiful and painful at the same time.
I’ve reached out about counselling so I’ll hopefully hear more soon. I think I need that type of support, it’s different to the care family or friends can give. Like you, I’m finding talking helps but I’m worried that people will soon not want to listen.
Hello @Universal and @amyrose92 sorry for the loss of your lovely Mums. My Mum died back in January so I’m further on this grief journey. Firstly please don’t feel any guilt about how you’re feeling. Grief seems to have phases with days that are okay and others when emotions are bubbling. In the early stages there’s such a lot of organising to do it’s hard to process the shock of what has happened. Then after the funeral it can feel like everyone expects you to just get on and be normal. Don’t place any expectations on yourself at all because grief really doesn’t stick to any timeline. In trying to manage my grief I have created a garden tribute in a pot and a photo tribute in my living room. It’s these very simple physical things that have helped me on a daily basis. A favourite framed photo with a little vase nearby that I place a rose in (my Mum loved flowers). Sometimes I say a few words to her photo… Anyway, you will both find your ways to help. Getting out in nature is good too I find as you can see the changes in the world that keeps going on around you. I try to keep going because I know my Mum wouldn’t want me to be sad. I try to remember this during the difficult times. Best wishes xx
Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot and I’m sorry you lost your Mum.
That’s a lovely idea to have a space in the house and garden as somewhere to feel connected to your Mum.
I’ve been trying to find out roughly how long the early stage lasts, how long did you feel you were in the early stage please?
Hi, I don’t think you can really measure the time in stages…as sometimes you think you feel okay and one tiny trigger sends you spiralling back to when it all happened. I think up to the funeral is a definite raw phase of trying to get things organised, then it’s endless days of trying to adjust to the absence. You know you want to be ‘strong’ to honour your Mum, but the emotional pain is still there. I lost a lot of motivation and enjoyment for everything, but this is normal and I’ve accepted it. I know this feeling will inevitably change with time. Sending you best wishes xx
Yes, children are very sensitive, aren’t they? That probably was a sign your daughter was getting. Children are on a much higher vibration, and some can communicate with spirits. I’m sure all our loves ones are around. It’s just so hard not seeing them. I feel like I’m becoming obsessed with the afterlife! (I’m reading loads of books), but if it helps us find comfort, that’s a good thing, I think. I trust that they will be there to meet us when that day eventually comes around. xx
Mum and I shared hobbies and I can’t pick any of them up. You’ve described exactly how I feel that I’ve lost motivation. It feels so long since my beautiful Mum passed, it was last weekend.
I hope your motivation returns soon. I honestly don’t know how everyone looks so “ok”. Thank goodness for finding here coz we can support each other
My dog barked in the house and he never barks so I was hoping he could sense my Mum. I’m trying to learn more about signs too, I know butterflies and feathers but there’s a lot more to learn. Something to give us comfort and I wouldn’t want to miss a sign.
I think it will be hard to do your hobbies for a long time that you shared with your mum but I know one day you will and you’ll talk to her while you do them. I can’t eat a lot of the things I liked because she liked them too and don’t think I’d enjoy them, and tv shows we watched alot together don’t think I’ll watch them again for a long time. Same with places we went together it will be hard to go to them again and enjoy them but I think one day we will, even if it’s a long time from now. We need to be patient with ourselves even a year or two on will likely still feel raw. I think once I get to an age where I know she wouldn’t have been here anymore, like when I’m 45 or 50 and she’d have been 85-90 I’ll feel like she wouldn’t have made it to this age. I don’t know I’m just looking into the future. We need to remember there is still a future here.
I think alot of people must mask their pain and feel it in private, that’s my guess. It’s not widely talked about in society people are expected to get up go to work and get on with things so I think alot of people just busy themselves and don’t feel like they should talk about it alot.
You mentioned too that people might not want to listen forever but some will, and we will. And I hope you have someone in your life who will listen my partner has said he understands it’ll affect me forever and I’ll bring her up and be sad probably rest of my life at times.
Yes, definitely signs. So many. I’ve read a few books from the library. Coins, birds, feathers, electricity interference, dragonflies, butterflies, deer. I believe there are strong signs immediately they pass. But they do appear to send signs when they feel they need to get through to tell us something we need to hear, and that they will consistently keep sending the signs. I woke a few weeks ago at 3:33am and I just looked at the clock and something made me stare for a minute, I just didn’t realize something just seemed weird that it was exactly 333. And then when I researched, 3:33 can be a sign as well (repeating numbers can be signs).
She must have been there I’ve read looking at a photo of her and trying to focus on that can help you connect. My cousin is going to take me to a spiritualist next year I will write back and let yous know how that goes but it’ll be a long time from now.
I think robins and butterflies feathers and lights, my tv has been turning itself off of what I’m watching sometimes. Maybe mum doesn’t like that show and wants to watch something else.
I asked her to help me find a four leaf clover today and I found it instantly, but I find them sometimes so it’s not a clear sign but I didn’t even look for it. Just keep talking to her and asking if she’s here to hold you and listen to you she will.
I lost my mum in july to this day i cry every .orning & every night my mum was my best friend i sometimes think i dont know how im going to cope without her my heart is well & truly broken
Thanks me too I am becoming a bit obsessed with afterlife also. I hope we get to see them again, whether or not we get to spend eternity with them we won’t know til we get there it’s one of life’s beautiful mysteries. I bet once we experience it and get there we think it’s great and wish we could tell everyone still living, but I don’t think life would be as fulfilling if we knew what lies on the other side. I think believing in the afterlife and that good things await us is all we can do and hope they’re waiting for us.
I agree I think children and maybe pets can be very perceptive. It’s such a shame we can’t see what they do. What I find now though is when I used to say Gran or Granny Barbara my daughters face would light up and she’d say her name, recently when I’ve said her name she stares at me with an almost blank expression - maybe she understands that she’s not living any longer and realises that she can’t interact with her the same anymore? I don’t know, I just find it so odd that she seems to not even respond when I say her name now when a few weeks ago she would.
Take care x
Hi Lisa, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad. I cry every morning, it’s an absolutely ugly sobbing.
I’m trying to find meaning in the pain and the one I can settle on is that grief is an expression of love, if it wasnt there then we didn’t have the type of connection we had with our Mums. We’ve been lucky to have our Mums as our best friends.
Thanks, some days I’ve been feeling fine which is surprising me and feel a bit guilty about that, but I have an underlying anxiety about that as I know it won’t last long and I’ll eventually think about things again. I think I’m good at distracting myself though a lot better than I could imagine. That’s a lovely idea about the flowers my mum loved flowers too, I am going to frame a photo in the living room with a candle beside it and light it when I want to speak to her. Right now the rooms covered in sympathy cards.
I really want the funeral out the way the thought is making me feel sick as I don’t think I really want to admit she is dead and I don’t think I’m in denial I realise it’s happened I just don’t think my mind wants to keep going there. I am able to accept the reality that she was unwell I thought she had a good few more years left but it wasn’t to be and I’m able to realise the facts, and I don’t know if it’s wrong of me to be distracting myself a bit. It’s getting me through it though.
A very small part of me is at peace with things as I know I can’t change things, and she’s no longer in pain, and I also feel she is with me. And when I reflect I wonder if it’s one of life’s journeys we need to go through too, if there is afterlife I think we aren’t here to be happy all the time I think we’re here to learn lessons and maybe losing a parent is one of the hardest ones we experience. I am trying to practice some gratefulness too as I know some people who lost a parent extremely young, someone who’s mother left them and didn’t want to know them, I am trying to remind myself that while she’s not here the time we had together was beautiful.
I think I will make a garden tribute too we’re doing up our garden it’s such a lovely idea. I love walks in nature too it’s good to get out and see life all around you and remember that there’s still beauty everywhere. X