Beyond awful

Its my birthday today, but I dont feel in a celebratory mood. Reading the comments on this board bring a level of solace but sometimes I wonder if they can exacerbate your own feelings. I dont know. My mum and I lost my dad year and a half ago now, hardly a moment passes when I dont think of him. The ability to put what has happened aside in your mind, accept the situation and continue your life in a positive way feels insurmountable. As others have mentioned seeing people enjoying and planning their summers with a light, joyful, carefree attitude to life is hard to see when you feel the complete opposite but also knowing that was how you felt before all this happened. So much has changed in my life in the last year, I miss the way things were terribly, I worry about my mum and the future. Nothing prepares you for it, even when you have had years before knowing where things were headed. I feel part of my personality has gone forever, replaced worth endless sadness. I find it hard to conceale. I hope for better, brighter days.


@Matt2 just read your post & the bit about Summer resonated with me. Dad died in March just weeks before my own Birthday so I didn’t really celebrate it although my mum did make a bit of an effort. As for the Summer days it just emphasises the fact our loved ones are no longer here enjoying these moments. I too feel I’m changed forever & hate what I’ve become. Sometimes I just feel I’ll go mad with the stress of it all. You’re not alone. X


Hi @Matt2,
My birthday is this month to, & I don’t feel like celebrating it either, though I’ve felt that way since my baby died in 2007, I was still pregnant with him at the time, he passed away 5 days before my birthday, & it’s like no-one understands, the anniversary of his death will always be 5 days before my birthday, every year, so after 16 years, I’ve had enough of having to put a smile on my face like a mask & pretend I’m ok when I’m not. I’m untitled to my feelings, & if I don’t want to celebrate my birthday, if I want to spend the day on my own, & just treat it like another day, that is my choice.

Thank you for your responses. Wishing you all the best.

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I do relate to you Matt2 as I also lost my mother last year and it’s been fourteen months now.
Like you, I support my remaining parent - my father so we are in a similar situation. I can honestly say that what you are feeling is understandable and I hope somehow things will get better for you.
For me and like you said, it’s the change of situation now. I feel as if i’ve lost friends and I can feel problems relating to people in general. I don’t have much energy to be sociable but my part-time job gives me routine.
I hope you read this and don’t forget that the second year can be very hard as the shock has worn off and the grim reality and permanence of our loss is really sinking in.

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