Big blip grief

Hi guys, having a massive big blip…i am just over a year…and finding it all very exhausting.
To have interaction with people, i slip into a role i have relied on all my life, smile, listen to generally peoples stuff…this way i have interaction of sorts with people. I have always been a sociable person teaching and doing hair all my life. All very chatty. I have become a master of it.
But…without my dear hubbie Simon i am so incomplete, that it takes so much energy. I really believe, that as much as people want to say and do right by you, their emotional capacity, the loss is either overwheming for them, or they just do not get it.
I feel like i have a addiction, i keep it a secret, and close to me, as no one gets the loss, my loss is my addiction, it lives inside me all the time, inside my head, whilst i put a human, acceptable face on to the general population.
I can not clear it, delete it, or at the moment move on. But like many addictions its not socially acceptable, so you mask up and do your best.
The more i do this, the more interaction you have. But its not helping me, its isolating me.
I have wonderful parents, who are elderly and have been so strong for me, but i do not want to wear them out any more than i have. I have daughter, grandkids, all beautiful reasons to carry on.

Its the instant fix i want, in the moment, when i am puddling tears on the floor. When i need that hug now…when i am bewildered…
Its ok having people that care, but they have busy days,and lifes, and grief does, not fit into a week tues, we can talk …and you get that. But the instant fix of support or warmth, a hug is what i need the most…being a warrior is exhausting…i just needed to spill, let the top of the pressure cooker and be real…


Dear Elvis,I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling at this point. It is positive that you call it a blip, it’s just that blips hurt so much don’t they. The thing is we all always carry the grief, it is how we carry it that changes, I am told. I am a little behind you time wise, the anniversary of my husband’s death is in August. But I really identify with what you mean about slipping into a tried and tested persona to get through the day. It is easier to fall back into that ‘armour’, especially at work. Maybe we feel that it’s boring for others for us to share our pain or go over the loss we have had again? But, having that thought doesn’t make it true. Some ways of helping at those super low points might be giving yourself a hug, calling a loved one to ask for help and a hug. You have already shown you have courage and resources by posting for help tonight. Grief mentoring/ support has really helped me and my daughters; have you tried it? It’s a great way to make time for your grief. Sending you love and hugs. Lindsay

Thank you Lindsay for your response .
I am not sure i know about grief mentoring.
I have had bereavement councilling at the beginning, though mentoring sounds different.
I am sending you a heartfelt hug, and condolence at the loss of your husband.

The personna can be a bit weary at times. Do you rely on that as well.


I think grief mentoring is similar to counselling to be honest. Focused on moving forward through the grief. Does that sound familiar?
I do rely on the persona; so much that I felt I had lost some authenticity as myself. I hope that makes sense.
Did I say how sorry I am to hear how you feel without your partner Simon. My heart goes out to you.

I think Lindsay, when you rely on a personna, it becomes second nature, and it becomes a coping statergy.
I am not sure if its helping us or the people that surround us.
I know if i revealed how messed up my head is, i don’t have the confidence that they would accept and be there for you.
I would rather not have that disappointment…

I am so sorry you too are having to rely on a mask, to keep people safe from how you really feel.
Its more for me, that i do not have the confidence that if i reveal how i really feel i will be let down.
Do you feel like that to.

Hope you don’t mind me adding to your conversation but thought I would share my experience. I try (sometimes very badly) to keep up this persona and try to convince people I am coping. I did let it slip one particular day and since then one ‘friend’ has stopped calling and only occasionally texts to ask if I am ‘feeling better’. A phrase I hate. I have subsequently just shrunk those I interact with as I find it too exhausting maintaining the pretense of being ok.

So sorry sheila that you had that disappointment. I very much feel that people who have not experienced the loss of their life partner, really have no comprehension, that a little warmth, and acknowledgment is all that is necessary…as we know they can not change it for us. But the silence from people is more unbearable .

Dear Elvispresley69

This ‘friend’ is one among many who I thought would be there in some shape or form for me only to not hear from them and when I try to call they do not pick up or return my call. So I have resigned myself to living my days out only with company from our kids and their families but am trying to limit that as they have to be allowed to live their own lives.

I can understand that Sheila…i think its hard work keeping friendships now days. Our loss and covid on top has made it hard work keeping communication going.
I have felt very despondent…
I find as long as i outwardly act ok, friendships are better, Which makes for a very one sided support network. Allowing them to off load all the things they used to, where i feel i can not discuss my loss as its a repetitive issue. But it doesn’t go away like that
Grief doesn’t work like that, does it.

I hope you don’t mind me joining the conversation I to put on a mask when I’m out if someone asks how I am I say I’m ok even though I’m not my beautiful soulmate pauline passed on the 14th of April I’m so empty and lost without her I hate how my life is now I’m not living just existing for her and our pets I love them all so much but I don’t want this life anymore and the feelings of not wanting it are getting stronger everyday I have a niece who messages me once a day because I asked her to just in case something happens to me so she could get help for our pets I have copd and high blood pressure high cholesterol and I am meant to be on a beta blocker to slow my heart down as it beats fast and aspirin to thin my blood I have mental health issues and have not taken any medication in years I’m broken since I lost my pauline and I won’t take any medication that’s going to prolong my life no one in my family or friends apart from on here bother with me I’m all alone apart from our pets I go weeks without talking to anyone and it’s so lonely my every thought is of Pauline and I keep on wondering if I had persuaded her to go to hospital sooner would she still be here and is it my fault she is gone she took care of me and stayed home because she didn’t want to leave me alone and we are both high risk from covid I was so scared of her getting it as was she but I lost her anyway she was and is my world I’m sorry to have gone on I think I just needed to get it out and to people that I know understand I just want to curl up and die and be with her

We all do the What ifs Casey - I certainly do. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change our sad realities. Keep posting when you are feeling like this as there are always people to support on here. I keep trying to get out into the countryside when I can because I feel less pressure when I’m outside and there aren’t meant people around. Take care

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Hi @Casey1,

Thank you for sharing so bravely on here. I’m so sorry to read about Pauline and how you are feeling at the moment - it’s completely understandable that you are finding things overwhelming.

We have recently found out about a new web chat service that Samaritans are trialing – I wondered whether it might be helpful for you. Here is the link if you are interested: The chat service is a trial and isn’t currently available 24/7 but please do keep checking in if it’s something you feel you’d like to try.

Thank you again for taking the time to share how you are feeling – please know we are here for you and that you don’t have to struggle alone.

Take care,

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So sorry you are feeling so poo…i completely get how hard it is for you.
I lost my hubbie, over a year 12 april. I am struggling behind closed doors.
It is very very isolating, no one will replace your pauline, and its very early days, i can understand why you are not taking meds, but i cant say strongly enough, i wish you would. I read what your saying about prelonging, but its also the qaulity of life and health, day to day, this can add to your physical and mental capacity, without the end result you wish . So please, re evaluate that and take your medication.

We all carry quilt, in one way or another, go over our decision maker. I definately do.
I am having p.t.s.t, and that has helped some what . As i am fixed on it all, and have trouble moving on in any way.

Please keep talking on here, i hope you get support with your mental health. Dont turn your face to the wall, i do not know my purpose, but i do know my hubbie wanted to live, and for what ever reason we are here, i feel it would be disrespecting him
To not value, what he would have cherished. So we keep fighting…i hope you can to.

@Jules4 @Elvispresley69 @MeganP thankyou all for replying to me I will keep trying I just can’t stop wondering if we had got her to the hospital sooner would it be different when she went in her doctor put possible heart failure on the letter yet they never did a cardio endoscopy to check her heart I can’t help but wonder would it have made a difference I talk to her all the time even when I’m walking our dog cara i just feel so empty without her maybe in time I might get the meds right now I can’t but I won’t give up I owe it to her and our pets to carry on its just so hard the only person in the world who loved me is gone life is cruel and I am so sorry for anyone going through this heartache I am deeply sorry for the losses we are all suffering stay safe take care x

Hi Casey, I am so sorry you have lost Pauline. Jules is right about the what ifs…. I wish we had called the ambulance minutes earlier despite the assurances of the Drs and medical friends that nothing could have saved my husband. I think it might be a grief thing, but it’s not helpful is it!
Do keep talking on here and reach out for help. I found walking the dog helped me not scream all the time in the very early days. I hope it is helping you too.

@LindsayV hi Lindsay I am so sorry for your loss it does help walking my dog it gets me out she is very social and loves meeting other dogs I also have 2 cats our pets give me a reason to get up everyday and all help me I would be even more lost without them thankyou for replying to me

:two_hearts::two_hearts:I can really relate to this. One year on since I lost Pete and I try to face the world bravely but inside me and at home I am broken. People say “Pete would be proud of you -you are so strong “ but only he knew the real me and I need a hug and someone to share this hurt with.:cry:


Hi I really understand how your words are so true .as I’m got the same with my family. Sending you my thoughts x

I think people mean well, and are struggling to think of positive things to say but it is daft stuff people say.
I am sorry you are feeling so rotten to, its is exhausting to keep pushing yourself.