It was my wife’s birthday yesterday,I took some of her favourite flowers to put on her grave,and sat and talked to her for a couple of hours(well I talked) it occurred to me that most family and friends had slipped back into their own way of lives,and the heaviest burden of grief was on the surviving partners shoulders.
I ruminated on what people had advised me,”join a group” “go on holiday with others”
You have probably had the same,why would I want to join in with people I don’t know,probably don’t even like or get on with,if I am going to be miserable and unhappy
I will do it in our own home,although like many bad thoughts have entered my head and could/would never act on them,however the spectre of meeting the guy in the hooded long black robe and carrying a scythe looks quite appealing.
Sorry I am pretty down.
Hi Ron, those special days just seem to be so hard to deal with when we don’t have our loved one with us. It’s hard to watch how others just go back to their own daily lives and I find that really hard to deal with as well - sometimes it feels as if my husband didn’t even exist.
But I reflect and think how I have done the same in the past - my husbands brother died 2 years ago aged 52 and we did just incorporate our sadness into our lives and carry on. I had no idea of how losing your partner impacted the survivor even though I’d see it with my grandparents and my mum. And my sister in law appeared to be doing ok - now I know how she isn’t / wasn’t.
Please do think about trying to making some other connections - maybe not at the moment, but when you feel strong enough. It will never be the same as having your wife but people are social beings and having some company and activities to engage with can help you feel less lonely and might result, in time, in having something to look forward to.
My mum just gave up after my dad died. She refused to come visit any of her children and grandchildren even though she was able and refused to go out with friends or make any new connections. As her mental health deteriorated she would refuse to see her nurses, befrienders, doctors, physios, neighbours, friends and would only see me and my siblings if we went to visit her.
6 years on and my husband dies and boy how I need my mum.
But she is so entrenched in her own grief she just makes me feel worse, constantly telling me “ it never gets any better “ . I don’t want to hear that at 52.
Sadly what keeps me going ( apart from my amazing 4 kids ) is that I don’t want to be like my mum - stuck, bitter, self obsessed and unable to support anyone that she used to care about. She has fractured my once happy family and my Dad would be so angry with her. We have lost our mum/gran to her grief and that makes us all so sad - and hugely frustrated.
Yes life seems bleak now and the future scary, but yesterday for most of the day I felt a little better. I have no idea why, but I could think about my husband in a positive way and although I was sad my grief wasn’t so oppressive and all consuming.
Today I’m back to the pit in my stomach and ache in my heart, but if I can get to where I was yesterday, whilst not anywhere like I was before, it would certainly be an improvement and would be a place I could manage and hopefully continue on.
Don’t lose hope - we can’t go backwards and we will never ever forget but our loved ones would not want us to be sad and miserable. My husband said to me “Live the best life you can “ and I will try to honour that - maybe not yet, but hopefully in time I will be able to remember him and our life more with happiness and less in sadness.
Take care of yourself. It’s not our time yet however much that may feel preferable to what we are having to endure.
Xx
I know just what you mean, sometimes it all seems so pointless. I wouldn’t do anything silly, but on some days if a brick wall was collapsing my way I don’t know if I would run away.
Other days are better and I stick my fingers up to the Grim Reaper, or the Happy Shopper!
Chin up, Ron. Two fingers as well, if you can manage it.
Xx
Hi Roni.
Thank you for your reply,I still maintain contact and support my family,sadly I am a quarter of a century ahead of you with probably neither the time or resilience to live my best life,I had dinner with my family last night and as with previous gatherings I was the only one on his own there,being of an age my mobility ain’t the best and the restrictions placed on travelling are not worth it even if I wanted to.
I really appreciate your comments.
Thanks again.
Ron.
Thanks Willow.
I think I could manage it problem is do I want to,fighting (both personal and professional) was my life for many years,I think the boiler has just run out of steam,
And there is now no-one to re-fire it up.
I appreciate your support thank you.
Ron.
Really feel for you … sometimes we do wonder what is the point … it’s my birthday today … lost my husband 3 months ago and all I am doing is crying !
Keep your chin up … we will somehow learn to deal with dreadful time x
Hi.
Sorry for your loss,it really does dosent it.
I will try.
Oh, I do understand. I thought I would cope ok when it was John’s birthday last week, but I just went to pieces for days. One day you might feel like joining a group or some other kind of socialising, but only when and if you feel ready. Take care of yourself.