I lost my dad in 2022, I’m 32, he took his own life 3 days after Christmas and 10 days before his 50th birthday, understandably I am still struggling with this and don’t think I ever won’t struggle with it. They say the anniversaries are hardest, especially the first, but I think that it happened so close to his birthday last year that I was still in the “what just happened?!” stage and it put a fog over it. Well, today is his birthday and I am still awake gone midnight and I have to get up in 6 hours, I just feel unsettled. I don’t really know what to do with myself and I feel angry with him because I shouldn’t be up at midnight feeling angry with him, vicious cycle.
I don’t really talk about it, I don’t want people to be “thinking of” me, I don’t want pity I just want to forget that my dad is dead a lot of the time to be honest but I think I just need to put it into words today or I don’t think I’ll sleep. I cope by making dark jokes and comfort eating so I know that’s not particularly helpful but therapy 4 u from the NHS still doesn’t have a place for me and I just don’t know where to start with private counselling, or if I can even afford it.