Apologies if this is totally inappropriate for this site, but I honestly don’t know what else to do to help me cope with what has happened.
So I’m a care worker and have recently lost someone I have nurses for 5 years- the circumstances were terrible and without breaching confidentiality this person was moved from one care setting to another and consequently lost their life.
I’m struggling with the events leading up
To them leaving, and just the devastating grief I am feeling through losing them- it’s a tough one as being in the position I was I always maintained professional boundaries, but I’m only human and nurse from the heart and this person became like a member of my family, I miss them so much, and hold so much resentment for the way in which it all happened. It’s messy in my head and I don’t know really how to cope with it all- it’s very overwhelming but I know I need to break it all down and accept that the way I’m feeling is ok? I know I need to allow myself to grieve in the way in which I feel I need to- I don’t know just need to put these feelings down like I am without being judged as a professional and for people to understand my journey with this person in leading to me becoming so attached to them.
Thank you for listening
Your grief is very appropriate and I hope you find comfort and support on this site.
It’s lovely to hear of a carer who regards the person they care for as family. We hear so many bad stories about carers.
You must feel very upset over what has happened.
My mother was in a care home ( fortunately for only 2 weeks) but I cannot understand how even the tea and coffee were undrinkable.
Most of the staff were lovely but a couole couldn’t care less.
You sound like a lovely caring person and I understand why are you so upset. You have lost somebody important to you, you are very welcome on this site.
Well I think it’s wonderful that you cared so much for your patient. If only more carers had your caring heart and nature. Do your employment offer any counselling? . Maybe you could get some from Sue Ryder. There is no shame in asking for it. You are perfectly entitled.
Thank you both for your kind words- unfortunately I have had very little support from my employer, my colleagues however have been a huge support.
I just keep reliving those last few weeks to the build up of them going, then in such a short time they passed- I did fortunately before I left them say the things I wanted and needed to say to them and told them exactly how I felt about them. I’m so grateful for that and that I did decided to say what I did - I found this site myself and can see from looking in the forum that people can express their true feelings without being judged- I am hopeful this will help me x
Hi Rubyroo
It sounds like you need to talk this over with someone - I hope this forum will help you too. It’s lovely you cared so much about your resident. My mum was in a home for 13 years so the staff were very attached by the time she passed even though you couldn’t really have a conversation with her. We even had the wake at the home.
Can you go to the funeral? It might help if you are able to pay your respects. Or if not perhaps visit the grave. You could try to write down your feelings in a letter to the person who has passed - sounds odd but it can help.
Best wishes,
V
Hi Rubyroo15, I am a health care professional as well (in the Mental Health Sector). So often I come across colleagues who have lost, or never had, the “human” touch. They present as cold and clinical, and often punitive. We need to maintain professionalism, while still being approachable to our patients.
Therefore it is refreshing to come across someone such as yourself. You are obviously a sensitive and empathic individual. Your “work” is not just a job, but a labour of love. Your feelings are valid and seem compounded by the circumstances around the demise of your patient. Because you are “human” and so aptly put, “nurse from the heart,” you will understandably deeply grieve for the person you cared for all those years. I hope you found an outlet for these feelings. Talking to others (your colleagues) who knew the deceased, or as Victoria suggested, visiting the grave? No apologies needed. Here we deal with all types of loss, because we understand that although the circumstances may be different, the grief is universal. I hope you are finding some resolution, and will post again to let us know how you are getting on.
Xxx Sister2
Thank you both for tour kind words of support and understanding, it means more than you know.
I did go to the funeral and in some ways found it a point of closure to a degree.
But since have been diagnosed with PTS from it all and the events that have happened.
I can’t quite believe how this has affected me and have had no support from my employer.
I also haven’t told my husband yet as I don’t know where to start with it all.
Thank you again xxxx
I hope you can open up to your husband or even get some counselling - perhaps your GP or Sue Ryder can help with that? There may be some bereavement support groups that could help in your area?
It’s ok to be affected by caring for other people and it’s ok to get attached. The pain is not nice but it means you really cared about them and that’s special. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…
Try to be kind to yourself. What you are going through is like shell shock - it’s bewildering and not pleasant but it is a normal reaction and I’m sure in time you will manage to accept what has happened and cope with the emotion much easier.
I hope that reaching out to others can help you.
Best wishes,
V x