Fantazey I know at the moment I am just existing, walk around the house in doldrums. Just received a speeding fine caught near the hospital when I was rushing after the paramedics as my husband went into cardiac arrest, did 41 on a 30 zone, I have to fill out the form and send back or £1000 fine and 6 points, it never ends, and get a call from the hospital for another biopsy to check for cancer, It never rains they say. But I know that God at my side I will get through this nasty storm. Sending love and hugs to all xx
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Hi Molly my husband died in may I feel just the same as you I don’t like going out I miss him so much people ask me if I’m ok I just say yes but I’m not we had been married 57years the nights are the worst they last for ever but like people keep telling me life goes on it will get better so let’s hope it does it’s so hard very lonely but this chat has helped me so take care Molly x
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My husband of 51 years died within an hour of becoming ill, no warning, he collapsed in our hallway. Each morning I wake wondering how to get through each day. I’ve lost a lot of weight as no-one to share a meal with. Now, 18 months on, I find I’m better in company, someone to talk to, take my mind off my emptiness. A short respite. I have no children to comfort me just my little aged dog. No choice but to keep going. I hope it will get easier for you. Take care. Susie.
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Hi Molly 120
I’m so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. I too lost my husband to Cancer but it was 2 and a half years ago. I’m 55 now my husband was 51 when he passed . He was with us at home also. The first few months really are so awful, as much as people support you , unless you’ve experienced such a devastating loss, no one really knows how it feels. For me I have always been totally honest with my feelings with my three children. They have seem me at my worst , and also my husband when we would get upset at home. I would encourage to talk with your children, trust me they can’t get any more upset , you’ve all been through so much. Let your emotions out, it helped me enormously, grief isn’t something you can hide from it’s a process you have to go through and though it is incredibly difficult I personally think it’s better to let it out. I too felt like my life was over and it would be easier not to have to bear the pain but you have to think of your children and grandchildren and how much they love you. It’s very early days and for me it was just baby steps every day to try and rebuild some resemblance of a life. I’m two and a half years down the line now( three and a half years from the initial diagnosis) and I know they say time heals, in some respects it does. I kind of forced myself after about 18 months to think about rebuilding a life for me , and though difficult, as I was naturally a bit of a loner where socialising with friends was concerned,I started to meet old work friends, made an effort to keep in touch with people, I go out at every given opportunity even if it’s just a coffee and a chat and this has massively helped me and given me confidence to carry on. You will know in your heart if you ever feel ready to do this but take it easy, be kind to yourself, you’ve been through so much . I hope that helps .
I lost my partner of 30 years March last year and have no idea what I want from life other than to go back! I don’t know how people move on and I have 0 motivation to do so!
He didn’t have an awful passing despite having cancer. In fact he would of known nothing of how ill he was. He wasn’t meant to die. He just had successful surgery to cure liver cancer, but he died of heart attack triggered by aspiration from a common side effect of surgery that is not considered serious. Otherwise he was making excellent recovery. So long story short I know your anxiety despite not going through the heart wrenching journey to death you did 
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Thankyou for all your replies I’ve not posted for a while for some unknown reason had another urine infection felt really unwell .When your ill not having your loved one by your side hits home even more ,I think ive had so many 1st times in a short space of time I. E christmas,new year,11 jan my husbands birthday, then 20 jan would have been our 46th wedding anniversary all without him so my bodies telling its all too much. A plus today is seeing the sunshine and blue sky after all the gloomy weather we have all had.thinking of you all and my love.
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So cruel isn’t it. Not that Id wish it on anyone but some people do seem to deserve this far less than others.
Your first paragraph certainly resonates.
I really hope that changes and you find a way and a reason to move forward. Genuinely, though that makes me a hypocrite as Ive no desire to do anything other than give up.
This is a good place to vent any feelings you have with no judgement, we’ve all been there. I think you should try to be kind to yourself and do whatever you feel like doing. You don’t have to ‘get out there and try and make a new life’. there’s plenty of time for that in the future. It’s 2 and a half yrs since I lost my husband of almost 52 yrs and it’s only in the last 6 mths or so that I’ve even felt like getting out and trying to be more sociable, I’ve found it difficult as I’m basically very shy but I’m trying. It’s very early days for you yet so don’t put this extra pressure on yourself, try to concentrate on looking after yourself if you can. There are many of us on here who know exactly the despair that you feel but it does eventually become less ‘raw’ and you will one day start to find things easier. Take care.
Seems I don’t know me anymore its always been family and caring for my husband.I have not really thought about what I want or need and then suddenly being in a position to consider your own needs is extremely strange,But as you say its early days and I am hoping I will feel better in the future. Thankyou all for your sharing your feelings means alot hope you can find some peace .
Dear @PeachesDixon
It is not true that we lose our other half, we lose our whole.
You said it exactly right - we don’t just lose our husbands /wife’s/partners. And even the phrase " losing half of ourselves is simply not true"
I didn’t lose half of myself , I lost all of me.
I’m not the same person I was. And I miss the old me. I don’t even like the new me.
I miss when my smile was real. I miss having things to look forward to.
I miss cooking. I used to love cooking for my husband. I don’t cook at all now , not really. I literally can count on less than two hands the number of times I’ve used a saucepan in the last 2 and a half years!!!
(Apart from boiling cubes of sweet potato for my dogs, as a supplement to their dog food!)
The sadness and loneliness is deep and emotionally exhausting ALL the time,
But the MISSING part of grief, that’s the worst part (I think) It’s all consuming. I still don’t believe that he’s never coming back, that he’s gone. My whole purpose in life is to keep him “alive” , and never ever forgotten by others. I imagine him with me all the time, talk about him, write to him, talk to him. Feel him with me. Its how I cope.
The other morning driving to work , 7.30am, I had a complete breakdown in the car. And I ended up driving to Sainsbury’s underground carpark sitting and sobbing 
. One of those reality moments when I had a realisation that I had the rest of my life to live alone , without him being physically with me.
I’m “okay” again for now, because I’ve gone back to feeling his presence, and taking him with me everywhere. Smiling while I think of him.
Doesn’t mean it’s not a lonely and sad way to live. But it’s my way.
Love , hugs and strength to you all.
I feel all your pain .
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You too Molly 120, you too…so right about losing sight of, and ability to think about, yourself and doing so after caring for someone else for so long. Just seems wrong somehow. Good luck finding yourself again - especially in finding that, even if it’s only occasionally, yourself can be enough
Cathphil you’ve again descibed things so well it could almost be my thoughts and feelings. I can’t even face shopping for one and had the same Sainsbury’s car park meltdown. For the first time since I retired, I almost wish I were back in work!
Whatever your way, whatever you try, I deperately hope it works, that it helps make each moment that little bit easier.
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