I just want to remind people that often our brain chemistry helps us in grief, or does not help us. If you are sleep deprived, things are so much worse, than when you have had a great 8-9 hours. Also, nutrition is so important, and careful use of alcohol. But I think sleep is most important, if you can get it, because when I have not slept well, all seems lost. And, my grief is so, so deep. But, when I feel refreshed and exercised, and I am talking with someone I really enjoy, then life is so much easier to bear.
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You are so right. People constantly tell us to be kind to ourselves and it took me ages to work out what that meant.
Sometimes we also need to be cruel to ourselves to be kind. In my case that means making myself exercise, getting to bed at night when I am binge watching junk with a glass of wine I don’t need.
I think in my case there was an element of how can I be so self indulgent as to want to feel well when my child can never feel well again. She is gone and suffered intermittently since a teenager. As her mother should I not be prepared to suffer too? Would my suffering unite me with her in some way?
Someone said to me ‘you are suffering enough already; you don’t need to make it worse’. At the time I discounted this and carried on not trying to feel better. Now I think this is so true.
I certainly don’t feel like partying or taking up stand up comedy but I do feel more like looking after myself more.
Those bad feelings will continue to knock us off our feet. The first anniversary is on the horizon and will take its course no matter what I do, however I don’t need to make it worse than it can possibly be.
Take care everyone x
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Hi. Matella. What a lovely sensible post, but with love in there as well. I know you are not minimising the suffering, no way! Suffering does unite. Empathy is what it’s about. NOT sympathy, that’s entirely different. To feel close to someone in pain so often helps to relieve their suffering. It’s as if we take a small bit of the burden off them, as I think we do on this site. It may not be generally realised, but I don’t believe anyone on this site would be here without empathy. The dictionary definition is, ‘to feel the suffering of another as if it were your own’. We do because we know only too well.
Yes, it will take its course. But isn’t that the secret? To allow it to happen without fighting the emotions. So many do and it helps not one bit. Emotions will out in one way or another. Why not allow them the freedom they want and allow them to come naturally. Crying, feeling lonely and afraid is all part of it. Nothing wrong in those feelings, yet some still try and put a time limit on grief. ‘Six months? Should be over that by now’. For God’s sake!!!
Be self indulgent as often as you can, well, in moderation of course!! But take care of yourself. I’m sure your child would want mum to be feeling better. Blessings.
I think you are right. Suffering does have meaning if we look for it. I know, difficult!
Very few will emerge from this without being a better person. More tolerant and understanding. I know I am.
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and when you are tired, and wine makes one tired, you are less able to cope.
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How true! All of it. Such understanding on this forum. What a gift in our time of need.
We cannot stay at this level of pain indefinitely. We are left here living without our precious loved ones. and not of our own choice. If there is any comfort to be taken then we should accept it graciously, and certainly not do anything to make it worse.
Truly, take care of yourselves.
Hugs xx
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p.s. very good point. most cannot stay at the same level of pain, forever. hopefully, some good things come in, to help you.
That’s my main problem I think … nothing helps me sleep. Have tried absolutely everything … currently trying melatonin but without much success. Yesterday I cycled around 20 miles but still didn’t sleep. Have been out cycling today for a couple of hours. I have nightmares and panic attacks … odd times I fall asleep for maybe an hour but then wake up panicking with palpitations because of.dreaming/nightmares … then I’m awake overthinking the terrible time my husband went through and my son went through .:. Can’t just switch those images off. It’s awful.
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Hi …: I totally identify with your post. It’s so hard. Tomorrow is two years since my second son died and the first I will have to get through without my husband … I’m just dreading it. He has always been here for their birthdays and their death days …: now just me! I know I overthink it all and wind myself up. When Jamie died I said to him fight to get better what will I do without you as well as a Pete …: he said you will be ok mum you have dad. And now I dont. Love Sue x
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it takes time. I am still waking too early. upset with my life. all the stuff … but the only way out, is to let time takes its course. either we live out the rest of our lives, without our families, in our case, or we end it. it is a day to day struggle. but I think in the end, they would want us to go on. they would want us to find something. because the thing is, death is not some weird thing that only happened to them. it will happen to us, too. they just went through it, earlier.
I know you are right … right now I wish it was me instead of one of them x
I agree, can cope better when got the strength from a good night sleep. This is difficult to get sometimes.
Such a hard time we are all going through,but this forum is very precious,everyone is so thoughtful and sensitive,thinking of you all,thankyou for your wise words.Love to everyone,Corinna xx
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I really dont know if this may help. For about 3 months my sleeping pattern has been 3 or 4 hours, last week my head felt like it was going to explode, I was worn out.
The idea came to me, physical contact, I booked Into a reputable salon and had a facial complete with head, shoulder (not neck- arthritis) deep massage.
It was a 4pm appointment. I had to drink lots of water, which I do anyway, that night I slept from around 10.30pm until around 6,45 am.
Admittedly I was light headed when I awoke but that wore off by mid day, I drank more water.
I am on my 4th night and so far have slept well. An appointment has been made for a months time.
I really cannot say if it will help but the soothing atmosphere and gentle human contact I believe helped enormously.
Yes my spirit has lifted since having a deeper sleep.
Much love to you. X
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Thank you for replying. Yes it might be worth a try … Thankyou. I do miss the physical contact … a hug a hand to hold someone to lean on. I’m glad it helped you. Love from me, Sue x
this is smart thinking. IT IS PART OF THE GRIEF PROCESS … unpleasant as it is.
Just replying to the subject title of " Brain Chemistry…" Well i have Multiple Sclerosis and as " MS attacks tissues in the brain and spinal cord, known as the central nervous system…" wondering if this still apply’s to me…Hm, maybe not…
Jackie…
Hi everyone its 9 months since my partner past away it feels like yesterday my grief seems to be getting worse I find myself crying about most everything I no people say time heals but my heart just seems to ache for one more day with my partner x
Dear Jackie, for a number of years I did Pilates, I am considering joining another group, (having moved to another county,) doing research now.
Where I used to go was a gym specially equipped for patients with disabilities such as M.S, Strokes etc. normally on a one to one appointment. Originally the NHS sent me to a class for 6 weeks due to a disability I had, they did extend it to 10 weeks then I found this class independently that I remained with for years.
It is just a thought Jackie,
Sending you so much love. X x
Yes Sue, I do agree, I miss my husbands physical contact dreadfully and the reality is so painful.
Didnt sleep quite so well last night, couldn’t be bothered to have a light supper so that may have been the reason hunger.
Much love Irene x
Peace…
…back home in Bedfordshire I had joined an MS Therapy Centre where they done pilates and yoga for MS suffers, I once done both of these and Tai-Chi Chuan way back before my MS of four years ago at the age of 64, but I have no car,live miles from now where, down in the valleys, there is no MS Therapy Centres in Dorset, well one has to travel some very long miles to reach the nearest one…
Oh I too had once done my Tai chi Chuan in a lovely place in Hertfordshire, what I would give to go back to those healthy and fit days, same as have my Richard back in his younger and healthier state, yes back home in Bedfordshire not here in Dorset where bad mistake on my part, moved to a parkhome as I -we, gave up our three bed-roomed bricks and mortar home due to my late in life P-MS diagnose just four years ago, I am now 68, my Richard gave up his friends and family back home for me, now he has gone…
Jackie…