This really has been the worst year of my life. From my daughter’s diagnosis as terminal in March; to 2 x hospital surgeries myself for obstructed kidney stone/multiple UTI’s; to my dog rupturing knee ligament, first one, then almost the other; to my old employer victimizing me and threatening allsorts; to losing my brother in May; to having my son in rehab, followed by complete breakdown; to losing my darling daughter 9 weeks ago; and now, when I am struggling to get through each day, whilst the pain is still crippling - my partner fell off the ladder whilst doing a shed repair for me, fracturing pelvis in 2 places and small bones in spine. He was the one looking after me, and this happened to him. My car was stolen 4 weeks ago and have no transport for hospital visits do it’s been Ubers, trains and buses. I am not in a good way physically and mentally, been breathless, joint swelling, and more. God help me, how much more do I have to endure! I just want to grieve my daughter, I long for her, ache for her, and sometimes her absence is just unbearable. I want some peace, just a little break from all the planets of 
that keep falling on me! It has all really affected my mind, I can’t remember things, I do things 2, 3 times or not at all. I feel like I am going out of my mind at times. So much stuff, going on and on, and Lord I just miss phoning her, texting, sharing it with her, absorbing her strength and sensibility. Mother and daughter, I miss all that involves, all that we shared. I feel broken, empty, fragile, as if one tiny finger push would break me into pieces. It’s such a struggle, I just want to catch a break, to be able to heal, at least partially even, without being constantly oppressed by issues again and again. Sometimes I say ‘God must hate me’, and that comes from a Christian. So much pain, anger, frustration inside and life’s huge curve balls won’t give me the chance. How I long for some peace, rest.
This sounds so hard and you’ve so much to cope with, @Lydia3. I’m just giving your thread a gentle bump - I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. I really hope that 2025 is a better year for you and you get some time and peace to grieve your darling daughter 
Dear Lydia3,
I can identify so much with you. Losing a child is a physical, mental and emotional loss. The ache in every cell of our bodies for our babies is visceral.
I always prided myself on being of strong Christian faith but right now I feel He has abandoned me. I call out to Him for love, comfort and support and feel nothing.
I want my son back and know that isn’t going to happen. A Cardinal said today that at the moment of our death Jesus is with us. I have to believe that but why can’t He be here for me.
We know Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus and I believe He weeps with us mothers as we suffer. I just wish He would give me some peace.
I am praying for you and relief for your suffering.
Bassett, thank you for taking the time to respond. I feel so overloaded with constant bad stuff happening right now that I have pretty much no joy, peace and hope that things will start to improve, and I rarely have the energy to pray any more. I feel abandoned too; when will it all stop, and yet I cling on to Him, to the faith, even though I don’t know if he listens any more. But I do believe as you say, that he sits alongside us mums during our pain. He was always aware of Mary’s pain and anguish, when her son was put to death. He feels, I don’t doubt that, it’s His power and might that I now doubt. I spoke to a friend a couple weeks ago, also a believer, and when I explained all that to her, that however much I prayed it made no difference, He still allowed my girl to go, she said that it isn’t only me/us as the mother who has to ask, it’s the person who is going through it. This offended me a little, so we cannot pray and intercede on our children’s behalves? That doesn’t sit well with me. My daughter was not a Christian, although I spoke to her of Jesus, the faith, God etc, and although didn’t understand the ‘trinity’ she told me she had been praying regularly to God. My late husband also died from cancer, and he WAS a Christian, and asked in prayer for help. Devoted to our church and our God, a whole church prayed for him and still he died. So, somehow what my friend said doesn’t ring true with me. I just long for some respite, some rest from all the horrid stuff.
Your friend is so wrong. Jesus healed many people who did not asking for healing - think of the Centurion’s servant for example. God does not work like that. He hears every prayer. The hardest thing I find to accept is that He cannot interfere. If He responded to every prayer in a positive way the world would be more chaotic. I think of a football match - half the crowd are praying for one team and the other half want the other team to win. Would he pick the one with the biggest number?
Our children are in Heaven. They ave no pain, no suffering and it is Paradise. I will always want Dan back with me. My arms ache from not being able to hug him but I would not want him to suffer any more. He is with people who love him dearly and Jesus who is showering him with His unconditional love.
Our lives are very short compared to the age of the Universe and compared to Eternity. Each day is a day closer to being reunited with them.
God came into the world as a vulnerable baby and He holds His hand out to us. His love for us kept Him on the Cross not the nails. He hasn’t forgotten or abandoned us. He loves us and our children.
I know having lost my only child how awful it is. My soul has been pierced. God will give us strength to keep going.
I hope I don’t sound preachy because that is not my intention. I just keep praying for strength and peace.