Every now and again, not that often, I feel like I am doing okay. A bit of overdue gardening, sorting paperwork, doing one of ‘his’ jobs to an acceptable standard. Nothing remarkable, just ordinary stuff. But then I realise that my heart is saying ‘just for now, until he comes back’. My head knows he isn’t going to come back. It’s as if I keep thinking that if God/the universe/karma sees how sad I am and how much we need him, there will be a refund. How can my heart say one thing whilst my brain tells me another.
I am just taking one day at a time and if my mind wanders towards the future I try to distract myself with a book. It has been 23 days since he died.
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I’m over a year into this “new life” and I still have days where I can’t believe that he’s gone and expect him to reappear! Taking one day at a time is all you can do in these early days. I won’t say that it suddenly gets better but it’s more that you learn to deal with it, even if there are still dark days and disbelief.
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Oh @Willow112
It is such early days for you. I am 16 weeks and and I feel pretty much the same
I have the same battle betweem brain and heart.
On the up side, I am having more up days, days when I don’t feel so wretched, and I do feel happier to be at home. Our home.
Where we were happy
Love snd hugs to you x
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Dear @Willow112 ,
I am so sorry for your loss.
Someone said to me your head knows what has happened but your heart doesn’t.
It certainly is true for me.
This is such a huge overwhelming loss.
I sometimes, well quite often, can’t bear to think about this.
So I, like you, concentrate on small, achievable tasks. That is my way forward.
Sending a very big hug.
Love,
Rose
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Dear rose garden. I hope you are feeling better. I agree with what you say that my head knows my husband has gone but my heart does not accept this. It will be two years in August that he died and I am still struggling to come to terms with it. Take Care x
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Willow its so so early in the journey…it will be hard but i promise it will get lighter im 10 months now and never in a million years did i think i would feel a little better i was 40 years with my hubby 
met at 18 …its a long slow journey recovering 
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Dear Pakapa,
I am trying to take it easy. So fingers crossed.
I can cope with my husband being absent.
Reality creeps in and I try to face it but after a while it gets too much. Then I try to distract myself. Sometimes my mind closes down to avoid facts.
All of us will take different amounts of time to move forward.
Thank you so much for your good wishes.
Please take care of yourself.
Big hugs.
Love,
Rose xx
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Agree totally with all the above.
Why does our brain do this? I feel so awful when the reality hits again and again -crazy but even writing that has given me a knotted stomach and suddenly made me teary.
Sending love to everyone.
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Aww I feel for you. My partner committed suicide. He was the happiest funniest generous person.
I cannot believe he has gone. Most days I go with the motions.
I was cut out of funeral. Never said goodbye properly. Some days I think is this it. We had so many plans.
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Oh Kate7719,
So very sorry to hear about yr loss. That must have all been /is incredibly hard for you.
My partner’s sons completely changed their behaviour towards me when their dad died and now over 4 months later I still can’t believe how cruel family members can be to their parents partner -for absolutely no reason.
You have wonderful memories of the time you had together and no one can rob you of those. He is in yr heart forever as is my darling man.
Big hugs xx
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I think one thing is our brains look for reasons.
There must be a reason why something so unbelievably sad has happened.
It is really too much for my brain/mind.
Yet thoughts and questions still appear.
Love,
Rose xx
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Hi RoseGarden,
Exactly the same and sometimes the sorrow is unbearable.
As my partner had a terminal illness I naively thought that when he died I would be prepared for it but how wrong can you be.
Thinking if all our friends out there on this amazing forum full of love, support and understanding xx
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Oh @Elite
I know exactly what you mean.
My husband too was terminal and because he was worried about me and I used to say “I’ll be fine, I’ll be ok” to him everytime he said he was worried. I think my brain believed I would be.
I don’t really know what I was expecting to feel. I didn’t think about it. I knew I’d be crushed, but the total devastation and gut wrenching pain came as a bit of a shock.
And even now 16 weeks on, the pain and turmoil inside are as bad as ever.
Love and hugs to everyone x
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I remember looking at Steve often and seeing how uncomfortable and in pain he was, although he kept going. I would look up to Heaven and say “Thy will be done”, because his suffering was unbearable for me to witness and I knew how much he was struggling. I didn’t want him to go, but it seemed so cruel what he was going through. When he passed I couldn’t take it in and believed that I had wished it on him. I just wanted his suffering to be over for his sake.
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As others have said, it really is early days for you. Take real pride in achieving those goals, whatever they are. My wife did most of the cooking and veg prep; I was just a pot washer! I had to remember and learn what she did so well. Now, preparing a meal isn’t so daunting and I think she might be pleased with how I’m managing. All the paperwork we have to do when someone dies is a distraction we can do without but has to be done. Say, “well done me”, with every single thing you do: you’re worth it. You are on a long lonely road, but we’re here with you, sharing our long lonely road.
Give yourself a hug from all of us.
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I hope you don’t still feel like that.
Of course you didn’t wish it on him
Like me you just wanted the pain to be gone.
Big hugs x
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I so so feel your pain. I describe it like living 2 lives. One tou know has completely been rurnwd ypawt down & the other where you live in hope that he’ll walk through thw door again. Sending love
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