I lost my husband to bowel cancer in Oct 2022 after a 2 year illness leaving me to bring up my then 10 and 12 year old. They are now 12 and 14 and seem to finally be doing well, which was my main focus. I sometimes feel like although I have progressed in so many ways, the slightest thing can set me off again weeping uncontrollably. I have done a lot of self care, raised money for cancer charities and volunteer with them, which is rewarding in itself. But the pain just does not go away
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Hey @Cookie6
It’s great your kids are doing well, well done to you.
I too lost my husband, in June this year, to bowel cancer, leaving me to raise an 11year and 18 year old (not so much raising but guiding him 
).
My kids are my focus, I want them to get through this and be strong , living full lives. The last 18mths whilst M was ill was so tough on us all, especially the kids.
He was an exceptional father .
Maintaining some sort of normality for them is my focus but I’m pretty empty on the inside. I hate the quietness of the house now . I seem to function , some days better than others.
I’m going to try to focus on self care and finding something for me, not sure what that is yet!
I’m learning grief is a journey, that sadness doesn’t really go away but becomes part of us, sitting in us, probably forever.
It sounds like you’ve come so far , as have your kids. you should commend yourself , but still be gentle and kind to yourself too.
Xx
Hi @Cookie6 your focus has been your kids and that is absolutely how it should be, but I bet you have hardly had time to grieve yourself for your loss and of the future you thought you would have.
I have 4 kids, 2 teenagers and 2 in their early twenties and I also am focussing on them as they are all struggling so much with them losing their dad 7 months ago. He was an amazing dad and husband and has left a huge gap in our lives that we will never be able to fill.
But I know that I have very little time alone to grieve and am not dealing with all my emotions as I need to be present for them. Eventually it will catch up with me I’m sure.
I wonder if that’s what is happening to you now. The initially struggle and effort of supporting your kids feels like it’s lessening a bit ans you are left with the reality of them coming to terms with the loss where you haven’t been able to yet.
Be kind to yourself and allow the grief in when you can. Sadly I think we all need to go through the pain and heartache for us to come out the other side.
I just survive at the moment - but eventually I hope to find myself living again.
Xx