I am finding everything so hard everyday and don’t see how I can keep doing this, but I know I have to. My 11 month old stopped breathing in my arms at the end of Aug 2021, in my front room, on my floor, I did cpr for 10 minutes and couldn’t save her. The ambulance crew tried their best once they got here, we went to hospital but nothing could be done. I lived in fear of every decision I made for my newborn after that, convinced I would lose her too. I lived surrounded by the space in which it happened. I questioned every decision I made. I spent the 6 months waiting for the coroner’s report convinced that it was my fault she was gone. We found out she had an undiagnosed heart condition. But by then the guilt was entrenched. The anxiety over the baby became huge. Every decision. I lived in fear as we approached the baby being the same age, the anniversary etc. The baby has been unwell and we’ve been in hospital several times, just reinforcing the fear, anxiety etc. The baby and I ended up in hospital on the anniversary of her death. And that nearly broke me. I feel like I’m going mad. I don’t know how to do this every day. I feel guilty because I’m not the mother I used to be for the rest of my children. I did go to counselling for 24 weeks and she managed somehow to make me feel worse about myself than I did already. It all feels worse and more unmanageable than it did 6 months ago. I know there’s nothing anyone can say, I just can’t talk about this to many as they just don’t understand. Sorry.
Hello @RaaRaa, thank you for bravely starting this thread. I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby; it is completely understandable that after such a traumatic loss you would be feeling anxious about your new baby too.
Are you getting any support from your GP for your anxiety? You are coping with so much and you don’t have to do this alone. If things are becoming more unmanageable, it may be worth making an appointment with them to talk through some options.
I’m sorry to hear that counselling didn’t help you. It sounds like you want to talk to other people who have been there and who will understand some of what you’re going through. We have many members here who’ve sadly experienced the loss of a child. There are also organisations out there which can connect you with other bereaved parents. I’ve listed a few below for you to take a look at.
Sands
Are dedicated to providing emotional support and information right from the early hours after a baby’s death, through to the weeks, months and years ahead. Sands supports anyone affected by the death of a baby .
Their Bereavement Support Services for parents include our helpline, online community, Sands Groups and the Bereavement Support Book.
Child Bereavement UK
Child Bereavement UK offers support for adults and bereaved children and young people up to the age of 25.
National Helpline: 0800 02 888 40
Monday to Friday, from 9:00am – 5:0pm
Email: support@childbereavementuk.org
Live chat via website
Website: www.childbereavementuk.org
The Child Death Helpline
A dedicated helpline that offers support to anyone affected by the death of a child of any age, under any circumstances, however recent or long ago.
Helpline: Freephone 0800 282 986 or 0808 800 6019
Monday to Friday 10am to 1pm, Tuesdays 1pm to 4pm, Wednesdays 1pm to 4pm
Every evening 7pm to 10pm
Email: contact@childdeathhelpline.org
Website: http://childdeathhelpline.org.uk
Also offers free interpretation for languages other than English on the phone.
The Compassionate Friends
An organisation of bereaved parents and their families offering understanding, support and encouragement to others after the death of a child or children.
National Helpline: 0345 123 2304 (Daily 10:00am-4:00pm, 7:00pm-10:00pm)
Northern Ireland Helpline: 0288 77 88 016 (Daily 10:00am-4:00pm, 7:00pm-9:30pm)
Website: www.tcf.org.uk
Email: helpline@tcf.org.uk
I really hope you find our community to be a support too - you are not alone.
Take care
Seaneen
Thanks for the links. I’ve not seen my GP as I can’t bear having to go and talk about it yet again with someone new. Apart from anything else the anxiety that kicks off when I have to talk to anyone outside the family is overwhelming.